You may have read this blog because you were in trouble, your relationship had gone stale, or you wanted to get partnering right this time. You've worked hard to practice each of the steps. Relighting Romance Partnering is meant to move you from reactivity to proactivity, from problems to creative problem solving together. And, you each know how you'd like to handle many situation if you are on your own.
During this final step of Relighting Romance, you'll practice applying Step 10: Resolve Conflict and Create New Options Together to the goals you developed in Step 8, as well as to the any conflicts that existed when you began reading this blog. Together you will
- invent new options through brainstorming and building on each other's ideas;
- discuss which ideas are mutually satisfying;
- choose solutions that are win/wins for both of you;
- close the loop and agree on applying win/win solutions;
- experiment and explore as you try your new options;
- reevaluate and refine action steps as you achieve your goal.
Discovering New Options
By now, you are familiar with the concepts of Your World, My World, and Our World, and you know that nothing goes into Our World until it is fully agreed upon and has become a win/win for both of you. In practice, however, many couples hit a stumbling block when they bring their individual suggestions to the table for discussion or problem solving.
Some partners may fail to see that there are other possible alternatives to their proposed solution, or they may naively imagine that their partner will be enthusiastic about a suggestion, only to be crestfallen when the other person says, "I'm sorry honey, but I don't like that idea."
Tim and Sophie became stuck during their discussions. They were in full agreement about their one-year goals, but they had different ideas about how to achieve them.
Tim reflected,
Way back in the beginning of setting our one-year goals, we both wanted to get into better shape within about six months. I had gained about thirty extra pounds and wanted to take that off. Sophie hadn't been exercising, except for chasing after our two-year-old, and we wanted to find some things to do together, because our time is limited. I was doing a lot of reading about diets and brought up an easy but healthy diet, which I was excited about. Sophie quickly agreed to join in, and we have been doing the diet for three months now. I've lost a lot of weight and feel much better. It's easy with both of us eating the same way,
Sophie added,
I was glad to do the diet. Not that I needed to lose a lot of weight, but I wanted to regulate my eating for a while and it seemed a good idea to do this together. But then, when it came to the exercise part - Tim is a fanatic! He loves to run and lift weights. I used to run, too, and he kept saying, "Just come running with me. It will be fun. We can do it together!"
Tim agreed, Yeah, I really tried to twist Sophie's arm and forgot to partner. I thought she should enjoy doing it, because she used to like to run and I enjoy it. Finally, I paid attention enough to hear her trying to tell me how tired she was after taking care of the baby and how she no longer enjoyed running.
Sophie explained, Tim finally did hear me, but then we needed some help to figure out where to go from there so we could agree on the kind of exercise approach we both wanted.
Tim and Sophie were successful in partnering on a diet because they both agreed on a method. Their different thoughts about an exercise regimen, however, led to many arguments between them. For a time, Tim was sure his idea should be adopted, and Sophie simply voiced all the reasons why this wouldn't work for her. She wanted Tim to understand her point of view.
Three things were missing from Tim and Sophie's conversations:
First, in trying to jump to a solution too quickly, Tim and Sophie were not engaging in dialogue and not actively listening to each other's needs. Second, Tim thought Sophie should simply accept an exercise form that worked for him, forgetting that Relighting Romance Partnering requires a win/win decision. Third, although Sophie wanted Tim to fully understand her objections to his idea, she didn't offer any new ideas that would have promoted a dialogue toward agreement.
As you explore more in later posts, let's also consider another couple that applied Step 10: Resolve Conflict and Create New Options Together to their problems. Rachel and Levi had parenting problems that were tearing them apart. Married for fifteen years, Rachel and Levi had two sons. Their relationship seemed pretty satisfactory until their second child came along.
Aaron, the older son, was eleven. He was a good kid, fairly easygoing and quieter than seven-year-old Josh. Josh was a handful for the entire family due to frequent angry or emotional outbursts that his mother managed but that triggered his father's rage and dictatorial discipline and that caused his older brother to withdraw.
These parents worked full time, and evenings at home had deteriorated into chaos until Rachel and Levi could barely connect on anything. Their frustration was aimed at each other. Rachel felt Levi was acting just as childish and out-of-control as their son. She was concerned that the older son was being ignored. She also felt that Josh needed some help to manage his emotions, but he would not get it as long as Levi continued to blame her for not being able to discipline their son and stop his tantrums.
On the verge of divorce, this couple finally reached for some help and I agreed to work through the 10 Steps of Relighting Romance Partnering. Theirs was not a smooth, uphill road, but they persisted because they still loved each other, and divorce would be just as difficult as trying to work things out.
These partnerships were not finding ways to come together. Both Tim and Sophie and Rachel and Levi had to let go of their old notions of how things should be in order to invent new options. They often became stuck by limiting their solutions to only one or two that were obvious at the time.
Remember, a duel to the death is an option. So is a shouting match. What is important about discovering new solutions is that they must be mutually desired, mutually chosen, and mutually beneficial. You may find that getting stuck on one idea happens in your relationship. Then what? You might let the topic drop. It might go unresolved.
Then, one of you may bring it up again, and the same old unworkable solutions are rehashed, ending with the same old stalemate. Like Tim and Sophie, and many other couples, you may forget to think creatively when you're in a stalemate situation. Like Rachel and Levi, you may blame each other and think the only solution is for the other person to change. Next post, let's see how learning to partner and creating new options worked for each of them. It can work for you. Right now, check out How Often Do Couples Get Back Together first.
