Problem #3: Your In-laws Want You to Ignore Your Own Family
This problem tends to rear its ugly head the most during the holiday. A typical couple has two sets of people to visit on every special occasion - but with the high rate of divorce in this country, you could be looking at four sets of relatives to visit! That's certainly a lot of turkey and presents.
Some in-laws, however, demand that you see only them. They want you to blow off your own family, which makes them feel special and in control. But how far can you be pushed? How much will you let them control your actions?
Solution #3
I can't stress enough that you and your partner must be unified on this issue. Decide on a schedule of visitation, and make a pact that you won't cave in to either set of parents. Try to be with everyone as equally as possible, given the limitation of geography. If you have children, it's important to involve the grandparents as much as you can. Not only is this healthy for your kids, it's also a family bonding experience that can benefit everyone. How To Improve A Relationship
Problem #4: Your Partner Can't Cut the Apron Strings
Many people go into adulthood with unresolved childhood conflicts; consequently, they're still attached to domineering and controlling parents and can't seem to break free. For example, I once treated someone who would go to his parents' house every night to eat dinner, have his laundry done, and hang out in his old room watching TV ... despite the fact that he had a wife and two children waiting at home! I told him up front that he was irresponsible and selfish to ignore his family this way, but he complained that his mother would throw a fit if he didn't visit her nightly. I responded that he shouldn't have gotten married if he didn't plan to be around. Apparently he agreed, because he and his wife divorced shortly thereafter.
I'm not suggesting that your situation is this severe, or that you and your partner should completely avoid your respective parents again after you form a relationship. But how can you separate from your parents and live your lives as adults?
Solution #4
The following point needs to be clarified early in your relationship: Your bond together is now the most important thing in your lives. Of course your parents can be a part of your life together, but they're no longer your priority.
After all, a parent's prime job is to prepare their child for adulthood and then let go so they can form relationships of their own.
It's time to let go of your mother and father as care-takers and see them as a support system. If your partner can't seem to let go of their parents, you need to demand more time together and some cooperation. There's nothing wrong with family vacations together, letting your kids spend time with Grandma and Grandpa, or the occasional dinner at Mom and Dad's - but you and your partner need to come first for each other.
As the saying goes, "You can't choose your family." But I maintain that on some level you can, because you chose your partner. And, ultimately, this is the person you're sharing your life with now. Your families may not enjoy taking a backseat, but if you handle these situations correctly, your in-laws can come to accept their new place, and maybe even enjoy it. How To Improve A Relationship
Friends And Leisure
Friends and hobbies will have a huge influence on your relationship. As with any other outside interest, they can add some variety but can also detract from your relationship. In order to maintain balance, you and your partner should agree on the following:
- You can both have friendships outside of the relationship.
- You can choose your own friends. This means that you can't judge your partner's friends by your own criteria.
- You'll try to get to know each other's friends.
- You'll both pursue outside leisure activities whether the other person chooses to participate or not.
- You'll allow each other to grow in divergent areas, which will enhance your relationship.
- And finally, you'll both pursue these outside endeavors in moderation. This is usually the sticking point - it's not the hobby or friends in particular, it's the inordinate amount of time spent away from the relationship that causes arguments ... which brings us to our first problem.
l don't know of a relationship that can survive if one partner is always spending time with friends or engaging in other activities outside of the home. This doesn't define a great love relationship; in fact, it signals that something is drastically wrong. Yet it is necessary to be able to pursue some things outside of the relationship. You can't be together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, or you'll drive each other nuts!
The difficulty with this particular problem is that your idea of time required pursuing outside interests may not gel with your partner's. And that's when the fights begin.
Solution # 1
When you commit to a relationship, you're also committing a majority of your time and energy, so you may just have to give up some of your freedom. I'm not saying to bag all of your friends and hobbies, but the time you spend on these things will have to decrease now that you're a couple. Therefore, l think that a couple nights a week out with your friends is plenty of time to unwind from the relationship. And if your partner wants to take a vacation alone or with other friends or relatives without you, I don't see anything inherently wrong with this - as long as it's infrequent, they clearly state up front where they're going and how long they'll be gone, and they keep in touch with you periodically during their time away.
When a client of mine felt angry or stressed out, he used to go to a beach house in Florida for a week and not talk to his wife. I told him that this was a terrible coping skill that could end their relationship. He persisted, and I was right. His wife got tired of his rude behavior and left him.
On the other hand, my brother-in-law goes away for a golf weekend with friends once or twice each summer, leaving his wife to care for their kids. Since he calls her each day to check in, she's okay with these trips - and they may actually help the relationship, because husband and wife get a small break from one another and have the chance to regroup. To learn more, you can check out How To Improve A Relationship.
