You may be wondering why I'm including a post on failed relationships. After all, the decision to divorce or break up is clearly made because it's determined that problems can't be solved.
Well, the reason is that I'd like you to think about several important things before and during the process of leaving another person, and I want you to know that there's a right way and a wrong way to do it. You're going to have to work through a tremendous amount of pain, and deal with your feelings of loss, before you can move on successfully. Divorce is especially difficult - particularly if you have kids or if you and your ex didn't split on the best of terms.
Instead of our old problem-and-solution format, in this post I'd like to suggest some ways to make the transition from "coupled" to "single" a bit easier.
Suggestion #1: Do Everything You Can to Save Your Relationship
There are unprecedented levels of divorce in the United States today. More than 50 percent of marriages break up, which means that the odds are greater that you won't end up being together till death do you part than that you will! What Makes A Marriage Happy
But I don't want you to give up easily - a marriage or relationship at least deserves that you give it your all to save it. Here's what you can do:
- Sit down with your partner and tell them what you're feeling. If they're engaging in behavior that you can't tolerate, tell them that it must stop immediately.
- If there's no change, tell your partner that their actions are endangering your relationship.
- Insist that professional help (either singularly or together) is needed to work on a solution. Tell your partner that if this happens, your relationship has a chance of surviving.
- If your partner refuses to acknowledge the problem or won't take any steps to correct it, you have every right to start the process to end the relationship.
- Finally, try. not to second-guess your ultimate decision. Yes. it will be difficult to leave your partner and end the relationship, but remember that you're doing it to ensure your future happiness.
Suggestion #2: Create a Formal End to the Relationship
If the judge bangs down his gavel and proclaims that the marriage is over, then that's a pretty, good way to formally end things. But many relationships don't end so neatly, so it can be difficult to get on with your life. Consequently, many people keep returning to old partners because of unfinished business - they continue to see each other just as "friends," or they still sleep together. I think that's a mistake.
Of course it's really painful to say good-bye to someone you once loved, but unless you definitively end your relationship, you won't be able to move on. Your grieving process will be much more difficult if your former partner is still hanging around. Moreover, you probably won't begin to date other people, since the fantasy that you can "still make it work" will be alive and kicking. What Makes A Marriage Happy
I suggest that you tell your ex the following: "I really need to move on. This is incredibly difficult for me, but we need to go on with our lives and not see or talk to each other for a while." This implies that you may come into contact again in the future, but it will also give you time to really separate from each other.
You must find the strength to make this break. Use friends and family for support, and take some time for yourself. And this is really important - if there are possessions to be split up or children to raise, then the separation must be handled in a legal fashion. (I'm always amazed when people try to arrange their own custody. Invariably, one person begins to slack off on visits or financial support, and the children are ultimately the ones who are hurt.)
Suggestion #3: Try to Remain Civil, Even If Your Feelings Are Hurt
Rejection hurts, and it brings out the worst in people. You may find yourself acting irrationally and doing things out of character, but please try to resist making public scenes or seeking revenge on the one who hurt you.
Anger and bitterness can consume people's lives, and these feelings won't make you feel better. I'm not saying that you shouldn't strongly express your sentiments to someone who got the best of you. If you need to tell them off, go for it. Get it out of your system, but then tell yourself that it's time to grieve your loss. This is the action that will help you the most, Focus energy on yourself instead of your ex. Relationship failures hurt, and you need to take time to deal with your feelings. It may take up to a year or so before you'll feel like going out and meeting new people again. This is perfectly acceptable. Don't bow to pressure from close friends and family members who want to speed you along - you need to go at your own pace.
The best revenge is moving on and finding happiness. Don't give someone you broke up with the power to ruin your life forever.
Suggestion #4: Be Kind to Yourself
This may sound cliched, but so what? At the end of the day, the only person you have control over is you. You can't force anybody else to be nice to you, but when things get rough, you can make the conscious decision to be nice to yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and say; "I'm okay. I really am. I pledge to do good things for myself that make me happy."
Then let yourself be a human being. Cry if you must, and talk about your pain with your family and friends. Before you know it, you'll laugh again and will even find someone else to bond with ... and maybe that person will be the one you ultimately spend your life with. But until you properly deal with the emotions of your breakup and give yourself time to heal properly, you won't be ready for the happy and healthy relationship you deserve. To learn more, you can check out What Makes A Marriage Happy.
