Why Relationships Fail - Different Disciplinary Styles

Why Relationships Fail

Problem #3: Differing Disciplinary Styles 

Discipline and limit-setting are perhaps the most important tasks you'll be charged with as parents. How you master this as a couple will go a long way in determining your child's personality and future achievements. This means that you both need to agree on the style and degree of punishments meted out; and more important, realize that the discipline needs to be fair and consistent. But be sure that you have a very good reason to punish your child - don't randomly dole it out just because you've had a bad day.
 

Here's the way things usually play out for parents: Whatever you received in the way of discipline as a child will tend to be how you choose to treat your kids. It's human nature to do what we've known or experienced, but some of this may be to the detriment of your children. For example, if you were verbally or physically abused as a child, there may be a tendency to repeat the same pattern.
 
At the other extreme, if you were rarely told no as a child or were never given appropriate boundaries, then you may tend to be a hands-off parent who isn't assertive enough. Do you really want to turn into your mom or dad when it comes to discipline? Why Relationships Fail
 
Solution #3
 
I'm not going to tell you the exact methods to use in disciplining your kids, but I do feel strongly that striking your children is an unreasonable approach to take. It just doesn't accomplish anything other than making your kids cry and causing them to fear you. Maybe you want to feel powerful and in charge, but does this do your kids any favors? I know that the argument for spanking is strong - a large part of our population swears that children behave better when this type of punishment is used. The problem I have with this is that many people will spank their kids without ever sitting them down to calmly discuss the rules so they can learn from their mistakes. So if you do utilize spanking, I urge you to follow it up with a lesson on appropriate behavior.
 
Another critical mistake that many couples make is that they don't agree in advance on a particular penalty, and then the child plays the parents against one another. I always knew that if my morn set up a punishment, my father would be more lenient and take it away. There was a chink in their armor that I was able to exploit - and I don't think that skill particularly helped me throughout my later years.
 
So you and your significant other need to agree on the exact form of discipline that will be used, as well as what offenses will warrant punishment. Then you must present a united front to your child and stick with your plan. It's easy to fall into the trap of revoking a punishment because you begin to feel sorry for your kids. But I believe that if it's a 30-minute timeout, then it should be 30 minutes. If they're grounded for a week, then it should last a week, not a day or two.
 
Also, the same bad behavior should deserve the same amount and intensity of discipline each time. What you're both striving for is consistency and agreement. If these two elements are present, then your kids will know what to expect and learn to think through the consequences of their actions.
 
Problem #4: Trying to Raise the "Perfect Kid" 

I've been to countless soccer and Little League games in which the parents seemed to care more about what happened on the field than the kids did. Parents yell and scream at their own children when they make a mistake, which practically ensures that the poor kids will grow up feeling like they're never good enough.
 
Parents aren't perfect, so it makes no sense to expect kids to be. Children are messy and make mistakes, but most important, they don't think about the world in the same way that adults do. They're going to screw up over and over, and it's a parent's job to accept this and act in a calm and rational fashion. Why Relationships Fail
 
Consider the following:

• When you were a child, were you expected to act "just right"? If you didn't do so, would your parents level severe punishment against you?
• Are you and your partner just too lazy and selfish to teach your child appropriate behaviors, finding that it's easier to get angry and dish out punishment?
• Do you feel that having a "perfect" child means that you're also "perfect"? In other words, do you see your child as an extension of yourself?
• Is it easier to see faults in someone else who depends on you than it is to focus on your own shortcomings?
• Do you want your extended community (friends, family, neighbors, and so on) to think that you're the greatest parent ever? Do you take pleasure in thinking that your kids are more well behaved than others?

If you answered yes to any of the preceding statements, please read on.

Solution #4

Every time you enroll your kids in another class or activity, or when you become angry because they're not the "best," ask yourself this: Who am I really doing this for, my children or myself? I bet you'll find that the gratification is for you, and your kids' happiness is secondary.

There's nothing wrong with the desire to see your children succeed in school and activities, but it is wrong to constantly berate them if they're not living up to your own set of expectations. When kids are allowed to go at their own pace and make their own choices, there's a natural maturation process that occurs. So one of the most important jobs for you as a parent is to be the support when your kids fall down ... but you have to let them fall down periodically.
 
Every mistake made by your child should be followed by a lesson aimed at teaching them correct behavior.
Yelling or hitting isn't teaching - it's just a process that adds another layer of scars onto a child who doesn't deserve to have a parent who acts like a maniac. To learn more, you can check out Why Relationship Fail.

Positive Relationship With Children - Are Children The Source Of Problems

Positive Relationship With Children

A relationship with a shaky foundation will probably not get better with the addition of children. I then heard from many angry people who accused me of being anti-family and devaluing the importance of children for a couple. Unfortunately, these folks completely missed my point.
 
Of course, having a family can be an incredibly enriching experience for a couple. However, some people clearly have children for the wrong reasons. Consequently, these kids grow up in broken homes or with parents who resent their existence. Given the high level of child abuse in our society, it's obvious that many kids are being damaged by adults who don't take their parenting seriously. I wish that there was some mandate requiring prospective parents to take a course in raising children, but there isn't - so generations of young people will continue to grow into dysfunctional adults.

If you have a serious relationship problem, I implore you to solve it before you make a family addition - you'll do a huge disservice to your kids if you bring them into a relationship that's heading for a breakup or divorce. I understand that many single parents do a wonderful job raising children, but it's certainly not an ideal situation for kids to see their parents fighting and splitting up. So if you think you're responsible enough to make a baby, then you better be ready to responsibly care for that child and do everything you can to care for your relationship with your partner.
 
Enough of my lecture. This post is about helping you deal with the massive life adjustments that will occur after the birth of your child. Don't be naive and underestimate the stressors that will rapidly multiply rapidly when you and your partner become parents. I've never spoken to a couple who said that their relationship didn't shift enormously after the birth of a child. Hopefully the changes for you will be positive ones ... but I'd like to help you negotiate the tough spots that will inevitably arise as you raise a family.
 
Problem # 1: Lack of Family Planning 

There are currently unprecedented numbers of unwed mothers and pregnant teens in this country. Children are, by necessity, being raised in single-parent households and by grandparents. This is a problem that can be prevented before it starts, however. And the solution lies in family planning.
 
I know this is obvious, but I'm going to state it anyway: Every single time you have sex, there's a likelihood that a child could be conceived. Sure, with birth control the odds are greatly reduced, but accidents do happen. Does this mean that you and your partner should become celibate? Of course not, but you need to be aware that unplanned children can put a huge financial pressure on you; there can be arguments about who's to blame for the pregnancy; you may be resentful and unconsciously take it out on your child; and your relationship may end, putting your child in a tug-of-war between two parents who can't get along. Most of all, it simply isn't fair to bring a child into the world just because you and your partner were too lazy to plan ahead.
 
Solution # 1 

I cannot stress enough that you need to sit down and plan your family with your significant other, whether you're just dating or you've been married for years. If religious convictions preclude taking any type of birth control, this makes things more difficult but not impossible - you just need to be very disciplined when it comes to planning your sexual activity. If you can use birth-control devices, then you both must make the commitment to decide exactly when you want to start a family. Positive Relationship With Children
 
Family planning isn't simply limited to the time frame when a child comes into your lives - you and your partner also need to openly discuss how you'll raise the child. Most couples don't even have this discussion, so they find out too late that there are significant differences in opinion relating to discipline, parental roles, and other forms of involvement with their children. It isn't humanly possible to account for every situation that could arise as your child grows up, but it can't hurt to somewhat prepare in advance.
 
Preventive work in the family-planning area could save your relationship later on and set the foundation for a loving and stable home.

Problem #2: The Absentee Parent 

This is, sadly, a common problem for couples - partner is always too busy or involved with other things to become an active participant in their child's life. Children will eventually sense when one parent doesn't care ... and it doesn't matter if both parents are living at home. I know some divorced parents who are more interested in their children than some married couples are. Maybe I got lucky, because both of' my parents supported me and took an active interest in my life as I grew up. Your children deserve nothing short of this same degree of attention.
 
It's your job as a parent to spend time with your kids and do your fair share of the workload. It's irresponsible for you to expect your partner to do everything - you contributed half of the effort to make a child, so you should at least do half the work of raising him or her. If you're not willing to do this, then I'd classify you as a "deadbeat," even if you provide financial support. Just making money doesn't get you off the hook, as many people seem to think. Your kids won't fully understand financial matters, but they'll certainly feel abandoned and neglected if you do nothing else for them besides buy them things. Positive Relationship With Children
 
Solution #2 

First of all, I give you permission to demand that your partner share in parenting tasks. Unfortunately, you can't force your partner to care for and love your kids, or even to have any contact with them whatsoever. (However, on a separate note, you can and should enforce child support to the fullest extent of the law.)
 

If you're still married, then you both need to share responsibilities. This translates to an equal division of duties - if you need to delineate actual child-caring chores, so be it. You shouldn't be the one to always get up in the middle of the night, stay at home with your children while your partner goes out, or be the "bad cop" every time your child misbehaves. These are only a few examples, but you get the picture. You and your partner are a team in this endeavor.
 
If, after confronting your partner about their lack of interest and participation in the parenting experience, there's no change, then it may be time for a serious talk about the state of your relationship in general. Try to appeal to your partner's love for your kids, even if the two of you aren't getting along. If the pattern of neglect continues, you should try to utilize any other means of support you have, including your family and friends. Most likely, someone will step up and help you.
 
You're then left with an incredibly difficult decision - stay with a partner who ignores his/her family consistently, or raise the kids on your own, perhaps with outside help. I won't lie to you - neither scenario is perfect and will be fraught with its own set of disadvantages. Although I personally don't believe that staying with an absentee partner is doing anyone a favor, including the kids, I can't fault you if you pursue this option - nor would I blame you if you took the other route. To find out more, you can check out Positive Relationship With Children.

How To Improve Communication In A Relationship - Boring Sex

How To Improve Communication In A Relationship

Problem #5: Boring Sex 

No matter how hard we try, sex can sometimes get a bit routine. I've met couples who have sex only at certain times of the day, and only in the same positions. Then they complain that their sex life seems more like work. Of course it does - imagine doing the same task in the same way day after day without any change in routine. It's enough to make you want to abstain completely.
 

In addition, when people get involved in a committed relationship, they start to live out new "roles" in life. This happens to everyone and can impact your relationship happiness. Now you're not just a fun-loving, sexual creature - you're also a mother, father, boss, employee, and responsible member of the community. These roles, while necessary, invariably change your self-image. Your sexual being can assume less importance, and you'll begin to see yourself as an average person. Once you lose the sense that you're a sensual man or woman, things can start to go downhill fast - you stop wearing sexy underwear and even let yourself go physically. Sex becomes a chore, not an experience filled with romance and spontaneity. A valuable connection with your partner gets lost.
 
Solution #5 

Your sex life will only be as boring as you allow it to be. I challenge you right now to start seeing yourself as a sexual person who has the right to feel love and romance again. I don't care if you think you're ugly or overweight - you can have great sex again if you're willing to take a chance and go for it. How To Improve Communication In A Relationship
 
Remember that wonderful sex can only come about as a result of a healthy relationship, yet it can also make you feel more connected and strengthen your relationship bond - it's a two-way street. The first thing you need to do is focus on romance outside of the bedroom. This means that you and your partner will have to begin the process of reconnecting in special ways, like when you first began seeing each other. At least once a week, you should go on a "date" (it doesn't count if you take your kids or go along with another couple). The activity needs to be fun - it could be a romantic dinner, a sports event, a trip to the park, or a weekend out of town. This will start the ball rolling to spice up your sex life, even though these activities don't necessarily involve sex.
 
Next, when you actually get into the bedroom, you should both start spending more time on foreplay. It's easy to hop into bed, have intercourse for a few minutes, and then roll over and go to sleep. But it will be more fun and rewarding to try out some new lingerie or toys, and touch and caress each other before you have sex. Of equal importance is setting the scene for romance, which means that the area should be clean, softly lit by candles or low light, and free of other distractions such as the TV. Massages and baths together are also a great way to get the juices flowing.
 
Finally, if you just can't think of anything new by yourself, purchase one of the many sex manuals that are on the market, which will tell you in detail how to spark up your sex life. Don't be embarrassed many couples have a hard time with variety. You might also benefit from buying some sexy clothes. You women should realize that men are naturally very visual and like to look at you in provocative outfits.
 
And while you men like your women to be knockouts, realize that you should put the same care into your own appearance. It's unreasonable to expect that women are going to maintain an attraction if their partners have terrible personal hygiene. So men, understand that women like to feel pretty and don't want to see you in the same pair of dirty underwear night after night. This takes some effort, but the payoff could be tremendous.

Problem #6: "I Have a Headache" 

When someone is angry or frustrated in the relationship, it's tempting to withhold sex as a way to punish their partner. It's a way of saying, "If you don't do what I want, then I won't do what you want." Some couples will go for months or even years without sex because they're playing out other issues from the relationship.
 
If you start getting the old "I have a headache" excuse, then know that there are sexual problems on the horizon. If you're two healthy adults in a loving relationship, you should want to have sex with each other. So, this problem demands a careful analysis and an attempt to find a solution that pleases you both. How To Improve Communication In A Relationship
 
Solution #6 

It won't help to fight about the last time you had sex because you'll start arguing about whether it was two weeks ago last Friday or three Thursdays ago. Nor does it do any good to pick apart the excuses and invalidate your partner's feelings. Saying things like, "So what if you're stressed? I want some sex!" or "You really aren't that tired!" will only lead to an argument in which you both defend your behavior. You certainly won't get to the root of your problem.
 
The best approach will be one that seeks to understand the aversion to sex. This means that your initial statement to your partner should be, "Is there something else going on that's causing you to turn off to me?" Let them know that you want to hear the truth and are interested in finding a solution. Avoid the tendency to judge or minimize their feelings, even if you don't agree. (Remember, you're trying to get your sex life back on track, so this is no time to go on the offensive.)
 

Agree to take your partner's concerns into consideration and make the necessary changes. However, you must also make it clear that withholding sex isn't a coping skill that's going to work in your relationship. You have a right to expect that if there is a problem, your partner will verbalize it and not use the tactic of holding your sex life hostage. This is simply unfair to both of you, and it's an immature way to solve problems.
 
If neither you nor your partner have any desire to have sex again, then it could be a reflection of other more serious personal and psychological issues. As I mentioned earlier, there are medical conditions that can cause a dampening of the sex drive, so you may want to see a health-care professional. It may also be helpful to talk to a counselor and/or sex therapist if things don't improve, since depression and other stressors can dramatically impact normal sexual function.
 
Sex is one of the most enjoyable aspects of a healthy relationship. As I noted earlier, you deserve to experience intimacy and fulfilling sex with your partner. By putting a premium on romance and sex, your relationship can only get better. To learn more, you can check out How To Improve Communication In A Relationship.