Codependent Behavior In Relationships - Behavioral Problems Children

Codependent Behavior In Relationships

Problem #5: A Child with Behavioral Problems 

Sometimes, because of genetic illnesses or chemical imbalances, children are unable to control their behavior and emotions, even with understanding and supportive parents who set reasonable limits. These kids need outside assistance, and it's up to you to get it for them.
 

I'm not talking about kids who occasionally act out and hit their brothers and sisters or who won't clean up their room. Hitting, temper tantrums, and defiance are within the normal realm of childhood behaviors, to a certain degree. The critical thing for you and your partner to gauge is the frequency and intensity of this behavior. I'm not going to kid you this can be very difficult. You're entering a gray zone when you try to determine the fine line between normal and abnormal behavior. Codependent Behavior In Relationships
 
There are some obvious warning signs that your kids are in trouble, including the following:

• They don't reach developmental milestones and seem to lag behind the curve.
• They engage in self-destructive behavior such as head-banging or intentionally inflicting harm on themselves.
• They're never able to sleep through the night.
• They find it difficult to be away from you for a short period of time (more so than other children and their parents).
• They tear up the house repeatedly (beyond throwing toys around during playtime).
• They hallucinate or are severely depressed and lethargic.

If your kids do exhibit any of these behaviors, then it's time to have them checked out by their pediatrician.
 
Solution #5
 
I believe that an integral part of good parenting is your willingness to learn new skills. There are entire sections in bookstores that deal with parenting, and your pediatrician can also provide you with literature and resources that will be of tremendous help.
 
Most of the resources will agree on one thing, though - if your child has a learning, behavioral, or emotional disorder (which has been properly diagnosed by an expert), your job as the parent becomes that much more important. You'll be giving your child a fighting chance if both you and your partner are able to consistently set firm limits that are explained to your child and then enforced. This is no time for haphazard or inconsistent boundaries, so you and your partner have to function as a team.
 
You'll need to learn about your child's disorder - treatment, diagnosis, prognosis, and outcomes; and you may, unfortunately, need to consider psychiatric treatment for your child, which may include psychotherapy and/or medication management.
 
And if you need to enroll your child in a special program or school, please don't think that this is a reflection on you. Know that you're being a better parent by giving your child every possible chance to succeed. 

I'd like to finish up by noting a few other very important points. You and your partner will undoubtedly disagree at times about the care of your children. There's nothing wrong with this, unless the children get put into the middle of your own personal and relationship problems. This often happens when parents aren't getting along or are divorced, but no child should be the go-between or the moderator of family conflicts. Whenever you hear yourself say something like "Go tell your daddy (or mommy) that I'm angry about __," please catch yourself. Children should never negotiate adult relationship problems! Codependent Behavior In Relationships

It isn't my goal to school you on child-rearing, but you and your partner absolutely need to do the following for your children:

• Make them feel safe at home. Arguing about your relationship problems in front of them won't accomplish this goal.
• Tell your kids when you've made a mistake when dealing with them.
• Don't blame your children for your marital or relationship issues - and it certainly isn't right to force them to choose one parent over another.
• Let your kids feel secure enough to share things with you, without the threat of excessive criticism.
• Allow your kids to have real childhoods - don't place adult responsibilities on them prematurely.
• Sit down with your partner and decide on a fair set of punishments and rewards that you both agree upon. Your children should always know what to expect when they act in a certain way.
• Most of your kids' life lessons won't be taught in a classroom at school, so you two have to be their teachers and role models.

If you make it a point to take a hands-on approach to parenting and make it your number-one goal to set a good example for your children, you'll have the pleasure of raising happy, well-adjusted kids who will become balanced, successful adults. To learn more, you can check out Codependent Behavior In Relationships.
 

Why Relationships Fail - Different Disciplinary Styles

Why Relationships Fail

Problem #3: Differing Disciplinary Styles 

Discipline and limit-setting are perhaps the most important tasks you'll be charged with as parents. How you master this as a couple will go a long way in determining your child's personality and future achievements. This means that you both need to agree on the style and degree of punishments meted out; and more important, realize that the discipline needs to be fair and consistent. But be sure that you have a very good reason to punish your child - don't randomly dole it out just because you've had a bad day.
 

Here's the way things usually play out for parents: Whatever you received in the way of discipline as a child will tend to be how you choose to treat your kids. It's human nature to do what we've known or experienced, but some of this may be to the detriment of your children. For example, if you were verbally or physically abused as a child, there may be a tendency to repeat the same pattern.
 
At the other extreme, if you were rarely told no as a child or were never given appropriate boundaries, then you may tend to be a hands-off parent who isn't assertive enough. Do you really want to turn into your mom or dad when it comes to discipline? Why Relationships Fail
 
Solution #3
 
I'm not going to tell you the exact methods to use in disciplining your kids, but I do feel strongly that striking your children is an unreasonable approach to take. It just doesn't accomplish anything other than making your kids cry and causing them to fear you. Maybe you want to feel powerful and in charge, but does this do your kids any favors? I know that the argument for spanking is strong - a large part of our population swears that children behave better when this type of punishment is used. The problem I have with this is that many people will spank their kids without ever sitting them down to calmly discuss the rules so they can learn from their mistakes. So if you do utilize spanking, I urge you to follow it up with a lesson on appropriate behavior.
 
Another critical mistake that many couples make is that they don't agree in advance on a particular penalty, and then the child plays the parents against one another. I always knew that if my morn set up a punishment, my father would be more lenient and take it away. There was a chink in their armor that I was able to exploit - and I don't think that skill particularly helped me throughout my later years.
 
So you and your significant other need to agree on the exact form of discipline that will be used, as well as what offenses will warrant punishment. Then you must present a united front to your child and stick with your plan. It's easy to fall into the trap of revoking a punishment because you begin to feel sorry for your kids. But I believe that if it's a 30-minute timeout, then it should be 30 minutes. If they're grounded for a week, then it should last a week, not a day or two.
 
Also, the same bad behavior should deserve the same amount and intensity of discipline each time. What you're both striving for is consistency and agreement. If these two elements are present, then your kids will know what to expect and learn to think through the consequences of their actions.
 
Problem #4: Trying to Raise the "Perfect Kid" 

I've been to countless soccer and Little League games in which the parents seemed to care more about what happened on the field than the kids did. Parents yell and scream at their own children when they make a mistake, which practically ensures that the poor kids will grow up feeling like they're never good enough.
 
Parents aren't perfect, so it makes no sense to expect kids to be. Children are messy and make mistakes, but most important, they don't think about the world in the same way that adults do. They're going to screw up over and over, and it's a parent's job to accept this and act in a calm and rational fashion. Why Relationships Fail
 
Consider the following:

• When you were a child, were you expected to act "just right"? If you didn't do so, would your parents level severe punishment against you?
• Are you and your partner just too lazy and selfish to teach your child appropriate behaviors, finding that it's easier to get angry and dish out punishment?
• Do you feel that having a "perfect" child means that you're also "perfect"? In other words, do you see your child as an extension of yourself?
• Is it easier to see faults in someone else who depends on you than it is to focus on your own shortcomings?
• Do you want your extended community (friends, family, neighbors, and so on) to think that you're the greatest parent ever? Do you take pleasure in thinking that your kids are more well behaved than others?

If you answered yes to any of the preceding statements, please read on.

Solution #4

Every time you enroll your kids in another class or activity, or when you become angry because they're not the "best," ask yourself this: Who am I really doing this for, my children or myself? I bet you'll find that the gratification is for you, and your kids' happiness is secondary.

There's nothing wrong with the desire to see your children succeed in school and activities, but it is wrong to constantly berate them if they're not living up to your own set of expectations. When kids are allowed to go at their own pace and make their own choices, there's a natural maturation process that occurs. So one of the most important jobs for you as a parent is to be the support when your kids fall down ... but you have to let them fall down periodically.
 
Every mistake made by your child should be followed by a lesson aimed at teaching them correct behavior.
Yelling or hitting isn't teaching - it's just a process that adds another layer of scars onto a child who doesn't deserve to have a parent who acts like a maniac. To learn more, you can check out Why Relationship Fail.

Positive Relationship With Children - Are Children The Source Of Problems

Positive Relationship With Children

A relationship with a shaky foundation will probably not get better with the addition of children. I then heard from many angry people who accused me of being anti-family and devaluing the importance of children for a couple. Unfortunately, these folks completely missed my point.
 
Of course, having a family can be an incredibly enriching experience for a couple. However, some people clearly have children for the wrong reasons. Consequently, these kids grow up in broken homes or with parents who resent their existence. Given the high level of child abuse in our society, it's obvious that many kids are being damaged by adults who don't take their parenting seriously. I wish that there was some mandate requiring prospective parents to take a course in raising children, but there isn't - so generations of young people will continue to grow into dysfunctional adults.

If you have a serious relationship problem, I implore you to solve it before you make a family addition - you'll do a huge disservice to your kids if you bring them into a relationship that's heading for a breakup or divorce. I understand that many single parents do a wonderful job raising children, but it's certainly not an ideal situation for kids to see their parents fighting and splitting up. So if you think you're responsible enough to make a baby, then you better be ready to responsibly care for that child and do everything you can to care for your relationship with your partner.
 
Enough of my lecture. This post is about helping you deal with the massive life adjustments that will occur after the birth of your child. Don't be naive and underestimate the stressors that will rapidly multiply rapidly when you and your partner become parents. I've never spoken to a couple who said that their relationship didn't shift enormously after the birth of a child. Hopefully the changes for you will be positive ones ... but I'd like to help you negotiate the tough spots that will inevitably arise as you raise a family.
 
Problem # 1: Lack of Family Planning 

There are currently unprecedented numbers of unwed mothers and pregnant teens in this country. Children are, by necessity, being raised in single-parent households and by grandparents. This is a problem that can be prevented before it starts, however. And the solution lies in family planning.
 
I know this is obvious, but I'm going to state it anyway: Every single time you have sex, there's a likelihood that a child could be conceived. Sure, with birth control the odds are greatly reduced, but accidents do happen. Does this mean that you and your partner should become celibate? Of course not, but you need to be aware that unplanned children can put a huge financial pressure on you; there can be arguments about who's to blame for the pregnancy; you may be resentful and unconsciously take it out on your child; and your relationship may end, putting your child in a tug-of-war between two parents who can't get along. Most of all, it simply isn't fair to bring a child into the world just because you and your partner were too lazy to plan ahead.
 
Solution # 1 

I cannot stress enough that you need to sit down and plan your family with your significant other, whether you're just dating or you've been married for years. If religious convictions preclude taking any type of birth control, this makes things more difficult but not impossible - you just need to be very disciplined when it comes to planning your sexual activity. If you can use birth-control devices, then you both must make the commitment to decide exactly when you want to start a family. Positive Relationship With Children
 
Family planning isn't simply limited to the time frame when a child comes into your lives - you and your partner also need to openly discuss how you'll raise the child. Most couples don't even have this discussion, so they find out too late that there are significant differences in opinion relating to discipline, parental roles, and other forms of involvement with their children. It isn't humanly possible to account for every situation that could arise as your child grows up, but it can't hurt to somewhat prepare in advance.
 
Preventive work in the family-planning area could save your relationship later on and set the foundation for a loving and stable home.

Problem #2: The Absentee Parent 

This is, sadly, a common problem for couples - partner is always too busy or involved with other things to become an active participant in their child's life. Children will eventually sense when one parent doesn't care ... and it doesn't matter if both parents are living at home. I know some divorced parents who are more interested in their children than some married couples are. Maybe I got lucky, because both of' my parents supported me and took an active interest in my life as I grew up. Your children deserve nothing short of this same degree of attention.
 
It's your job as a parent to spend time with your kids and do your fair share of the workload. It's irresponsible for you to expect your partner to do everything - you contributed half of the effort to make a child, so you should at least do half the work of raising him or her. If you're not willing to do this, then I'd classify you as a "deadbeat," even if you provide financial support. Just making money doesn't get you off the hook, as many people seem to think. Your kids won't fully understand financial matters, but they'll certainly feel abandoned and neglected if you do nothing else for them besides buy them things. Positive Relationship With Children
 
Solution #2 

First of all, I give you permission to demand that your partner share in parenting tasks. Unfortunately, you can't force your partner to care for and love your kids, or even to have any contact with them whatsoever. (However, on a separate note, you can and should enforce child support to the fullest extent of the law.)
 

If you're still married, then you both need to share responsibilities. This translates to an equal division of duties - if you need to delineate actual child-caring chores, so be it. You shouldn't be the one to always get up in the middle of the night, stay at home with your children while your partner goes out, or be the "bad cop" every time your child misbehaves. These are only a few examples, but you get the picture. You and your partner are a team in this endeavor.
 
If, after confronting your partner about their lack of interest and participation in the parenting experience, there's no change, then it may be time for a serious talk about the state of your relationship in general. Try to appeal to your partner's love for your kids, even if the two of you aren't getting along. If the pattern of neglect continues, you should try to utilize any other means of support you have, including your family and friends. Most likely, someone will step up and help you.
 
You're then left with an incredibly difficult decision - stay with a partner who ignores his/her family consistently, or raise the kids on your own, perhaps with outside help. I won't lie to you - neither scenario is perfect and will be fraught with its own set of disadvantages. Although I personally don't believe that staying with an absentee partner is doing anyone a favor, including the kids, I can't fault you if you pursue this option - nor would I blame you if you took the other route. To find out more, you can check out Positive Relationship With Children.