How To Establish Trust In A Relationship - Handling Difficult Partner

How To Establish Trust In A Relationship

If you look at the relationship pyramid, you'll .see that the top of the pyramid contains this statement: Make your partner feel good about themselves each day. This can be difficult, since everybody gets caught up in the activities of daily living. But this post deals with specific behavior that violates the two rules that define a great relationship:

1. Your partner's number one-goal should be to treat you with respect and dignity at all times.
2. There must be a spirit of teamwork - you should always work through problems in a cooperative way, and compromise should be effected without fear of future retribution.

The intent of this post is to define those behaviors that your partner engages in on a continual basis that may irreversibly harm your relationship and self-esteem. So please read this information carefully.
 

Problem #1: You Can Never Please Your Partner 

You should be praised for the things you do to enhance your relationship. Maybe you won't get a formal thank-you note, but you ought to receive some acknowledgment once in a while. After all, relationships thrive in an atmosphere of mutual contentment and positive feedback. If you're with a partner who constantly criticizes (or never recognizes) your strong points, serious trouble could lie ahead. How To Establish Trust In A Relationship
 
Solution #1 

I've treated adults who never felt they were good enough at anything they did because during the childhood years their parents ignored their accomplishments. They always felt "less than" and insecure, and were destined to perpetuate these feelings in their future relationships.
 
However, if someone is simply asking for a reasonable amount of recognition and is met with an abusive or unresponsive partner, then that's the person with the problem. At that point, action must be taken in an attempt to communicate feelings and take the necessary steps toward one's relationship goals.
 
- Step 1: Try to figure out why it's so difficult for your partner to be a giving person. Even though it's natural for people to be kind and generous to one another, some of us simply won't allow ourselves to act this way. If this applies to your partner, keep in mind that the second you call them on their behavior, their first reaction may be one of defensiveness and denial. They might say, "Hey, I gave you a compliment a few weeks ago - I told you that you looked nice!" This could then lead into a "he said, she said" argument where you go back and forth on how many times you were acknowledged. But don't give up. Make your partner understand that it's really important for you to feel good about yourself when the two of you interact. And resist the temptation to make a list of "slights" if things digress into how many compliments are offered versus how many criticisms, nothing will ever get resolved. It's more productive to explore why it's so difficult for your partner to open up in a loving way.
 
- Step 2: Call attention to the positive by praising your partner whenever they do something that helps you or the relationship. This may seem pretty generous, especially if you're getting nothing in return. I predict, however, that over time, your partner will come around and join in - it will be a mutual lovefest of sorts. If they don't, it's time for the next step.
 
- Step 3: Decide when enough is enough. How long will you stay with someone who's surly, mean-spirited, and condescending? This is your call - no one else can decide for you. But keep in mind that if you decide to leave this relationship, you'll then be free to find someone who will value you and will tell you so. You just need to make a supreme effort to overcome the little voice inside that says: "You're not good enough for anyone to love." How To Establish Trust In A Relationship

Problem #2: Your Partner Publicly Humiliates You 

Many of us know a couple who can't get along to save their lives and who pick at each other constantly. I once went to a dinner party and watched a husband berate his wife in front of everyone - he criticized her dress, makeup, hair, and conversation skills. Anytime she spoke up, he'd cut her off with: "God, you're so stupid! You don't know what you're talking about!" She eventually started to sob and left the room. His offhand response was, "She'll get over it."
 
Of course there are times when your partner may occasionally say or do something that embarrasses you, but it will turn into a major conflict if they insist on ridiculing you in public so that others can witness your pain. This is sadistic and actually a reflection of your partner's own insecurities.
 

Solution #2 

First of all, you need to believe that you deserve to be treated well by your partner. This means that you've got to ignore that voice in your head that says you're not good enough, smart enough, funny enough, or attractive enough. (My father always reminded me that there are enough people in the world who won't hesitate to treat me badly if given the chance, so why should I treat myself badly first?)
 
Then, you must in no uncertain terms tell your verbally abusive partner that you will not tolerate this behavior any longer. I personally believe that if your partner refuses to stop, then it's a relationship-ender. Your problems should be dealt with in private, so do yourself a big favor and demand respect. If you don't get it, find someone who will treat you the way you deserve. To learn more, you can check out How To Establish Trust In A Relationship.
 

Effects Of Infidelity - Missed The Signs

Effects Of Infidelity

Problem #3: You Missed the Signs 

It may be that you're the "last one to know," or you're simply denying that your loved one could be with someone else and hurt you tremendously. Now, I don't want you to walk around feeling paranoid and suspicious for no reason - but if you suspect that something's up, you may be right.
 

Solution #3 

Learn to detect the red flags of infidelity: 

• Your partner begins to spend a lot of time away from home, either "working late" or going out with "friends." Maybe there is a lot of work to do, but be aware that this may be a sign that trouble is brewing.
• Your partner is evasive about details of daily activities. If there's nothing to hide, then there won't be any hesitation to answer your innocent questions. If you hear, "It's none of your business!" then you need to be on guard.
• You find unfamiliar addresses or telephone numbers. I'm not telling you to rifle through your partner's purse or wallet, but if you happen to find suspicious-looking scraps of paper or business cards, you need to take this as a sign of possible behind-the-scenes activity. It's perfectly acceptable to ask, "l was just wondering - who is that?" Again, an angry, defensive, or defiant response should be a tip-off.
• There's a dramatic change in your partner's appearance or behavior. Is there a shift in your sex life, especially a dwindling of sexual contact? If you and your partner don't have sex anymore, it's fair to wonder if someone else has entered the picture. If your partner starts to take an unusual interest in their physical appearance (buying a new wardrobe or exercising), it may be the case that an effort is being made to impress someone else.

If any of these red flags are present in your relationship, you need to confront your partner about your concerns immediately, and stress to him or her what constitutes cheating in your book. Effects Of Infidelity

Problem #4: Your Partner Doesn't Want to Save Your Relationship 

When infidelity has occurred, two things must happen if there's to be any chance of salvaging the relationship.  

First, the cheater must be willing to give up the affair. Second, they must agree to do whatever it takes to make your relationship whole again - be it couples' counseling, a renewal of the marriage vows, or a trial separation.
 
Solution #4 

This one is really straightforward - if your partner won't agree to the above conditions, then you should take action to end the relationship now. This is the most caring thing you can do for yourself. There's no other option, unless you're masochistic and desire a lot more pain in the future.
 
In addition, your partner must let you be angry and gradually learn to trust again. They must be patient - after all, they lost their right to tell you how to feel when they broke the covenant to stay true to you. It won't help you to punish your partner for the rest of your lives, but it's okay to take some time to regain trust. However, if you find that you can never regain faith in your partner, no matter how hard you try or how much time has passed, then read on,
 
Problem #5: You Can Never Trust Your Partner Again 

I won't fault you if you simply can't feel the same level of love and trust for your unfaithful partner again. You may have trouble with the image of them having sex with someone else, or the details of the affair may be so incredibly hurtful that you just want your partner to go away forever. This is understandable.
 
The question is whether you can ever attain the same level of trust that was present before the infidelity. Some couples work through it and go on to a healthy and loving relationship; others find that the cheating tears everything apart to the point that they can never go back. Effects Of Infidelity
 
Solution #5

You shouldn't have to live your life with someone you have little confidence in. At the end of the day, you'll be miserable. So you need to ask yourself these two questions: 

1. Am I still in love with my partner? If the answer to this question is no, then it's time to admit that you need to move in a different direction. I know that love is a nebulous emotion, but why stay with someone just to prove a point? It's not as if any of your friends or family members will think that you're being strong if you've got nothing left emotionally. 

2. Is there any happiness left for us? It may be that the pain and humiliation outweighs any sense of joy between you. You might still feel some degree of love for your partner, but your relationship ceases to be fun, or maybe the infidelity is just the final straw in a relationship that went bad long ago. If this is the case, why stay with someone and muddle along? You deserve the chance to find someone else who will love you unconditionally and honestly.

I know this is a very difficult and painful subject to deal with, but with time, support, and a lot of work, you will make it through ... and your relationship just might, too. To learn more, you can check out Effects Of Infidelity.

After Infidelity Or An Affair - Infidelity And Affair Problems

After Infidelity Or An Affair

Here's a shocking statistic for you to ponder: Approximately 35 to 40 percent of all married men and 25 percent of all married women cheat on their spouses. Clearly, it's very difficult for a lot of us to honor our vows and commitments to another person for the rest of our lives.

Since it ranks up there as one of the most significant ways to hurt and betray another individual, we're going to take a more in-depth look at infidelity and its associated problems. When you find out that your partner has cheated on you, the work is just beginning.

Your relationship may survive, but first you need to accept this truth: Cheating will absolutely change the dynamic of your relationship, and it will never be the same again. This doesn't mean that there's no chance for redemption - the relationship can continue, but it will have to do so under different rules and guidelines, with an emphasis on trust, and an understanding of what led to the infidelity in the first place.

Problem # 1 : You Haven't Exactly Defined Infidelity for Your Partner 

I know that no one wants to think about breaking up as a result of infidelity. It's certainly not a very romantic topic to discuss with your significant other - or maybe you believe that your partner should just intuitively know what's right and what's not. Either way, your expectations may not be in line with your partner's, especially when it comes to interactions with those outside your relationship. That's when the trouble begins.

Solution # 1 

It's your responsibility to determine what you believe infidelity is and communicate this to your partner. I'll make this easier by offering up my own definition, which was first given to me by Karen Hand, the co-host of a radio show:

Infidelity: You're engaged in a behavior of a sexual or intimate nature that you cannot openly discuss with your partner. After Infidelity Or An Affair

This explanation is perfect, because it covers both the actual act of cheating and the subsequent process of concealment and lying. (Notice that it includes nonphysical factors, since you can be intimate with someone without actually touching them.) There shouldn't be any major secrets in your relationship, or the trust and honesty that are necessary elements of a successful union will be missing. 

It's now up to you to precisely define what you consider to be cheating. Ask yourself the following: 

• Can my partner have sexual relations (including, but not limited to, intercourse) with another person?
• Is there a difference between a one-night stand versus an affair? Does the frequency matter, or is it one strike and they're out?
• How much flirting can my significant other engage in with other people?
• How close can my partner get to someone else on a "just friends" basis? Is it okay for them to share personal details about our life together with someone else?
• What is my view on pornography and strip clubs? Can my partner see members of the opposite sex naked, whether "real" or on film or in print?

Your answers to these questions should give you and your partner a jumping-off point for a frank discussion on what constitutes infidelity in your relationship.

Problem #2: Your Partner Has Cheated on You 

For many people, it's incredibly painful to imagine the most important person in their life having sexual relations with someone else, so they immediately end the relationship without giving their partner a second chance. Yet a larger percentage will choose to stay with someone who's been unfaithful, hoping that things will somehow get better. Many of these people will get cheated on again and again, but some will save the relationship and regain some measure of happiness.

If you do decide to stay together, keep in mind that the relationship will have no chance of surviving if you don't try to accomplish one crucial goal: Determine exactly why infidelity has become a part of your relationship. If you and your partner don't seek to understand the behavior and motivation behind the indiscretion, your relationship will have little chance of moving forward. Couples who try to sweep this issue under the rug or assume that it will all just go away are fooling themselves.

Solution #2

Here, I'm going to list the most common reasons behind cheating. Think about whether any of these apply to your own situation. If so, your plan of action should include a no-holds barred discussion about the particular area. (Note: I strongly believe that you should have these discussions not only at home, but also with a trained therapist or relationship counselor, since you're probably not going to be able to figure this out on your own. Keep in mind that infidelity is merely a symptom of something else that's drastically wrong with your relationship - it occurs because there are unresolved issues that aren't being addressed. I think that your relationship has little chance of surviving unless you both agree to go to couples' counseling.)

Sexual reasons: This is the area that you two will probably focus on the most, for it's common to feel that your partner cheated on you because your sex life is deficient. I can't deny that there are some people who will cheat simply because of sexual needs; the risk of infidelity is certainly greatly diminished if both partners enjoy having sex with each other.

So ask your partner the following question,"What, if anything, is lacking in our sex life that led you to cheat?" This is difficult, because hearing that things may need to change in this most intimate of areas can be embarrassing. Nevertheless, you must talk about it. After Infidelity Or An Affair

Emotional reasons: This could be the area where you and your partner will make the most strides in understanding each other. You'll have to shift your discussions away from sex to an exploration of your emotional states. When cheating occurs, it's natural to think that it must strictly be due to a sexual cause - but many instances of infidelity actually take place as a result of emotional needs. The third party may be providing some kind of support that isn't present in the main relationship, or the cheater may be seeking an emotional escape from their home life - they can have sex and leave the third party, no strings attached.

People also cheat because they feel anger and resentment toward their partner. It becomes difficult to verbalize these feelings within the context of the relationship, so the cheater performs an act designed to hurt their significant other. Some cheaters don't even care if they're caught; in fact, on a subconscious level, they actually hope that they will be.

Also look at the issue of boredom. Relationships can lose their spark after a number of years, but instead of communicating this to their parther, the cheater goes outside the relationship to try to create some excitement.   

You never took a stand: You may not want to hear this, but the truth is that you may need to share some of the blame for your partner's indiscretions. I'm not talking about the first time you find out that your partner has betrayed you - this may come out of the blue, and it isn't your fault.

However, after you find out that your partner has cheated on you, you need to take decisive steps to stop the behavior. Don't live in a fantasy world where your partner will just magically see the light and never cheat again - most research indicates that if you take a cheater back without any help or therapy, they'll cheat on you again. Yet if you make it crystal clear that infidelity will not be tolerated but will be met with the end of the relationship, your partner will probably think twice before having sexual relations with someone else.

There's baggage from the past: Did your partner's parents cheat on each other or keep secrets? Was your partner lied to or betrayed by significant others from the past? Is there a pattern of cheating on other love interests?

I'm always amazed when someone who's fooling around with a married man or woman believes that they won't be cheated on in the future. A friend of mine was the mistress of a married man, and then they ended up in a relationship together.

She was devastated when he proceeded to cheat on her with someone else. It seemed like a no brainer to me - why would she think that somehow she could keep him from cheating? After all, she knew firsthand that he was capable of infidelity because she'd been his mistress! Your job here is relatively easy: Ask questions and keep your eyes open. Even if you have to ask your partner's friends and associates for information on their past experiences, do so before it's too late. To learn more, you can check out After Infidelity Or An Affair.