How To Make Marriage Successful - Number One Marriage Problem

How To Make Marriage Successful

Problem #3: Reversal of Fortune

l'm sure you've dreamed that winning the lottery would be the answer to all your financial woes, but it's actually been shown that a good percentage of winners declare bankruptcy within a few years because they have no long-term financial goals.
 
Similarly, imagine that you or your partner walk into work one day and find out that you're being laid off or fired. This seems devastating and would certainly have an immediate impact on your lives, but if you've done some planning beforehand, it doesn't have to ruin your finances forever.
 

The lesson here is that you really don't know what life will bring you. Maybe your stocks will hit it big one day (or tank the next); perhaps you'll get an unexpected windfall from a relative's estate; or you could be out of work for several months and have to scrape by just to put food on the table. Each of these situations demands a flexible yet well-prepared response.
 
So how will you cope with an unexpected change in your finances (either up or down)? Here are some pointers that can save you and your partner a lot of sleepless nights. How To Make Marriage Successful

Solution #3 

I believe that the key to staying afloat financially, can be found in two simple words: Plan ahead. I understand that you and your partner won't want to think about suddenly losing your source of income or having to spend your life savings, but in a volatile economy, these things happen more and more. So start planning for that rainy day - believe me, if you wake up one morning to find out that you have nothing left, your relationship will greatly suffer.
 
Begin the process of talking about money with your partner on a regular basis so that a plan is put into place to save. Here's how to start:

1. First, thoroughly break down exactly how much money comes in and goes out of the household on a monthly basis.
2. If you find that you have nothing left at the end of the month, then immediately start decreasing your expenditures. If you do have something left over, then decide how much of this will be put away in a savings account, which won't be touched for any reason other than an emergency. This is your "rainy-day fund."
3. Finally, both of you need to commit to learning about prudent money management by reading books, meeting with an accountant or financial planner, and/or understanding how different types of accounts work. Educate yourself - it will pay off big-time in your relationship!

Problem #4: The Miser 

Apparently, some people don't believe the old saying "You can't take it with you." I've treated people who literally, hoard all of their money in a closet or under their bed because they're so afraid to part with any of it.
 
Unfortunately, this pattern usually leads to a miserable life characterized by deprivation and obsessive behavior. It also greatly affects intimate relationships, since most people want to have some fun once in a while. You and your partner deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labors sometimes, even if this means that you need to spend some money on a vacation or a new possession. This doesn't contradict my previous advice - I'm not advocating that you go crazy and blow it all at once. But there's a way to enjoy life and save at the same time. How To Make Marriage Successful
 
However, you or your partner may become so consumed with money matters that one of you will refuse to spend anything - even on necessities. This is unfortunate, since this attitude will undoubtedly impact your relationship in negative ways. Arguments will ensure about who's spending what and how much, and who's saving the most. Keep this in mind if you're dating someone who refuses to spend any money on you ... this may be what you get (or don't get) for the rest of your life.
 
So what should you do if you're with someone who constantly obsesses about money issues or who won't spend anything to enhance the relationship? Read on.
 
Solution #4 

You first need to realize that a so-called cheapskate is playing out underlying psychological issues. Usually this dynamic is centered on the belief that holding on to money equals security. Some people find that having a lot of cash gives them a sense of accomplishment and pride.

Many of us also grew up listening to our parents argue about money. This sets up a subconscious need to value money to a fault, coupled with the fear that it will all be taken away at any moment. Consequently, money hounds will attempt to keep it for as long as they can, while protesting that it's for the "good" of the relationship.
 
Your first step here is to gently tell your partner that there might be other emotional reasons why they have difficulty parting with money. You may be met with the excuse, "I'm just doing it for us," but you should respond that you're unhappy and the relationship is suffering.
 

Next, offer to sit down and work out a compromise with respect to luxury items such as vacations, cars, nice clothes, leisure activities, and so forth. Tell your partner that you need to have some fun (and nice things) now and again - you both deserve to live a little. I choose the word deserve because some people seem to think that life should all be about work and sacrifice.
 
Finally, if time goes on and nothing changes, suggest that your partner talk to a therapist. At various points in this blog, I'll suggest therapy if all other options fail, and this is one of those times. You shouldn't have to go through life worrying every second about how much is being spent. After all, an important part of a love relationship is giving, both in emotional and in materialistic ways. To learn more, you can check out How To Make Marriage Successful.
 

How To Have Successful Marriage - Argument Over Money

How To Have Successful Marriage

The reason why money is the first issue we're going to address is that it's generally the number one reason why couples break up. It seems incredible that financial problems could override love and commitment and lead to a relationship's failure, but it happens all the time.
 
So it's time to systematically look at the main hurdles that arise when you struggle with money management. But first, let's briefly explore the psychology of money to understand why finances are such a sensitive and explosive subject for couples to face.
 

What Money Means to Us 

For most of us, money is our gateway to the world: having it means that we feel secure; not having it makes us feel unhappy, like we're failures. And if you've ever heard of the "Golden Rule of Relationships" (he with the most gold makes the rules), then you know that cash can equal power in relationships, Think about these questions:

1. Who will handle your money?
2. How will you spend your money?
3. How will you deal with unexpected changes in your finances?
4. Are you afraid that at any time your money could be taken away and that you'll go broke?
5. Does the breadwinner get to set all the relationship rules?

If handled correctly; the process of managing money jointly can strengthen your relationship; if handled incorrectly, money management can lead to intense arguments, hurt feelings, and a trip to bankruptcy court. So it's vitally important that you learn how to successfully deal with this issue. How To Have Successful Marriage
 
The Solutions to Your Money Problems 

I'll present a problem and then offer a solution for you to consider. And for each topic, I'll discuss what I feel are the main areas that can blow a relationship apart if not worked through by you and your partner.
 
I know that some of you may complain, "Well, he didn't talk about ___, and that's a huge problem for us!" Just understand that no blog can cover every single problem that could possibly arise, l believe that the areas l present to you here are the most critical issues that arise in relationships.
 
What we tackled previously can be applied to each of these posts. That is, you and your partner should first be able to identify your problem spots and then try to compromise on a solution. Sure, it sounds really simple, but most couples lose their focus when things heat up, and then the problem has little chance of actually getting resolved.
 
So, let's make money management a lot easier and more organized.
 
Problem # 1: Accounting 

Most couples I know have some difficulty deciding who's going to keep track of the bills and expenditures and balance the checkbook. Now these tasks certainly aren't glamorous - in fact, they're downright tedious. That's why many of us avoid it like the plague. But somebody has to be the designated accountant; otherwise, your finances will be a total mess. So who's going to do it?
 
Solution #1 

You both need to sit down and designate one person to keep track of all the money that comes in and goes out of your household. This doesn't mean that this person gets to unilaterally decide all money matters - this is just a bookkeeping function. So who's more organized, you or your partner? (This is a critical decision, so be honest.) 

Once you've decided on the money manager, the other person must agree to faithfully give all receipts and records of money spent to the banker. I sure used to be guilty of violating this little rule. I'd go to the ATM, withdraw some money, and then forget to give the record to my wife (our designated banker). Of course, this behavior caused us to be off by many dollars when Betsy balanced our checkbook. Boy, was she was mad ... and she had every right to be, because I made her job more difficult. (Thankfully, I've been trained now.)
 
The other side to this coin is that the banker must be open about the accounts at all times. The nonbanker should be able to see the checkbook and bank statements at any point. This minimizes the risk that someone will go crazy and spend all of the money. This leads us to our next topic for discussion.

Problem #2: Spending 

Recently; a friend of mine went to buy a new car. She was shocked when the salesperson told her that she had a low credit rating, and therefore wouldn't be able to qualify for a low percentage rate. My friend became infuriated and called the credit bureau to see how this could be - she was under the impression that she had very good credit. The bureau told her that she and her husband had several credit cards that were maxed out ... which my friend knew nothing about. How To Have Successful Marriage
 
That's when her husband confessed that the charges were correct. Unbeknownst to his wife, this man had opened several charge accounts and had secretly been paying off the balances. This amounted to several thousand dollars' worth of purchases, which helped amass their debt.
 
You may wonder how this could happen. Didn't the wife see the monthly statements arriving in the mail? Well, her husband was able to fool her because he'd had the bills sent to a post office box and had sneaked small sums of money out of their checking account each month to make the minimum payments. But the result of his behavior was their near financial ruin.
 
This case illustrates the fact that your partner may sometimes spend money without asking you first. Hopefully it won't be as extreme as the example above, but people occasionally spend money first and ask questions later.
 
I go out for lunch a few times a week and don't call my wife to ask for permission first; she buys the groceries and doesn't ask me how much she's allowed to spend. Expenditures like these are usually not the problem areas.
However, if I went to the track and gambled away my paycheck or wasted our money drinking at the local bar every night, then this would obviously become a major problem. Likewise, if my wife went out and bought expensive items and then overdrew our bank account, this issue would need to be addressed.
 
You don't want to end up in the "poorhouse" because of frivolous spending habits, so give some thought to the next solution.
 
Solution #2 

There needs to be absolute agreement on the following: Neither partner will ever open up a bank or credit card account without the other person's knowledge.
 

In addition, a spending limit must be defined and adhered to. This means that either partner will only be allowed to spend up to a predetermined amount on any purchase or activity - you and your partner need to define that now. Anything over that amount, even slightly, must first be discussed and approved by both of you. For example, if your set amount is $200, and a new DVD player costs $250, then you must decide together whether to buy it. (Of course, emergencies arise, but that's not what we're talking about here.)

If this rule is broken, then the offending partner will do whatever it takes to make things right. If that means returning the merchandise, taking a second job to pay off the debt, or closing all of the accounts ... then so be it. If you make the mess, you'd better be willing to clean it up.
 
If you find that spending has become an addiction, then you need to seek out professional help. There's always a psychological basis for out-of-control spending, and it should be addressed immediately. To learn more, you can check out How To Have Successful Marriage. 

Tips To Successful Marriage - Settle Your Arguments

Tips To Successful Marriage

Outcome #3: Your partner ignores your needs and makes no attempt to really solve the problem.
 
Some people think that nothing is ever their fault and assign the blame for their problems on everyone else. This is narcissism in its purest form, and it makes for terrible, destructive relationships that will never reach their full potential. Not only will a partner like this wreck your self-esteem, they'll also even eventually tear apart any sense of a good relationship.
 

The most obvious manifestation of this poor coping skill is denial that the relationship is in trouble. I've known people who simply refused to modify their behavior - even when their partner is practically begging for their cooperation. So you need to ask yourself, "What will I do if my partner ignores my needs and does nothing to work out our problems?"
 
There are two different ways in which your partner may ignore a troubling situation that simply must be addressed. First, you may be met with a string of "I'll get to it" responses. No matter how much you ask for some action, nothing productive occurs. Your partner just keeps on doing the same thing without regard to your feelings.
 
Second, if your problems have gotten so bad that you need some professional help, your partner may absolutely refuse to see someone with you, insisting that you have to figure it out on your own. On my radio show, l've heard several stories about men who just won't go to any sort of therapy even if they cheat on, or are physically abusive to, their wives. They'll say "We don't have any problems!" and then will continue to repeat the same destructive behaviors. These guys have no motivation whatsoever to change in any meaningful way. Tips To Successful Marriage
 
So let's go back to my original question: What will you do if your partner doesn't care enough to alter a certain behavior? This is critical now, because the ball is actually in your court. Once you know that your partner refuses to discuss certain issues, won't act on any reasonable suggestions, or won't listen to you, there's a decision to be made - by you. What will your next step be? Here are your nonproductive options:

• Do nothing, drop the subject, and be miserable.
• Make idle threats such as, "I'm going to leave you this time!" or "You better shape up or else!" and then stay in the relationship and act as if nothing has happened.
• Complain to anyone who will listen that your partner is mean and disrespectful. A lot of us engage in this little exercise in futility - it accomplishes nothing, but we get a lot of sympathy. Again, your partner will have little incentive to really look at the problem seriously.

There is one other possibility, the one that I feel will work best for you and your relationship in the long run. It isn't the most pleasant or comfortable position to take, but ultimately it will lead to a conclusion - either the offending behavior will stop, or you'll be able to remove yourself from the situation.
 
First, ask yourself if you're willing to leave the relationship over the conflict or your partner's refusal to change. If the answer to this question is yes, then there's only one option for you. It's time to draw a line in the sand and say, "This is all I'm willing to take, and if things don't change now, I need to leave this relationship." Memorize this line, because someday you may need to say it, exactly as written. But here's the catch - if you do say this to your partner, then you better mean it. It's the only leverage you'll have, so you can't afford to back down and get walked over again.
 
I know that taking a stand like this is incredibly hard to do, since most of us don't want our relationships to fail. I've heard the following argument countless times: "But I love him (or her)!" I'd like to point out that your most loving gestures should be to yourself first. How is someone showing you love if they won't even try to find solutions to problems or listen to your feelings? That's not love - it's selfishness. Tips To Successful Marriage

It's time to take charge of your life. I challenge you to finally ask yourself this tough question: "How much pain and sadness will I endure just to be in a relationship?" I hope that you have the strength to stand up for your beliefs; and the courage to move on if all avenues of decency, respect, and kindness have been closed in your relationship. After all, your life shouldn't be filled with problems that just won't go away. You can do better.
 
Congratulations on completing the first part and learning the mechanics of how to solve virtually any relationship problem! I hope that you'll apply these general principles to every conflict that arises in your love relationships. If you need to, reread the material up to this point and get a firm grasp on the four steps to conflict resolution. Believe it or not, yelling and screaming at each other is the easy thing to do - making a sincere attempt to change things is a lot harder.
 

I don't know if there's one secret to making a love relationship stand the test of time, but I do know this - your search for peace and harmony must begin with the courage to do something different if what you're currently doing isn't making you happy. Remember this truth: If something isn't working for you, you must put forth the effort to change it! It simply won't change by itself, problem solving takes energy, but that effort can pay off in huge dividends.

With that said, let's now begin the process of systematically tackling the major relationship problems that can challenge us all. Each post from here on will focus on a particular problem area, and outline real solutions that can truly work for you and your partner. Your love, marital, or dating relationship will then be the true winner. To learn more, you can check out Tips To Successful Marriage.