How To Improve A Relationship - Handling Your In-Laws Well

How To Improve A Relationship

Problem #3: Your In-laws Want You to Ignore Your Own Family 

This problem tends to rear its ugly head the most during the holiday. A typical couple has two sets of people to visit on every special occasion - but with the high rate of divorce in this country, you could be looking at four sets of relatives to visit! That's certainly a lot of turkey and presents.

Some in-laws, however, demand that you see only them. They want you to blow off your own family, which makes them feel special and in control. But how far can you be pushed? How much will you let them control your actions?

Solution #3 

I can't stress enough that you and your partner must be unified on this issue. Decide on a schedule of visitation, and make a pact that you won't cave in to either set of parents. Try to be with everyone as equally as possible, given the limitation of geography. If you have children, it's important to involve the grandparents as much as you can. Not only is this healthy for your kids, it's also a family bonding experience that can benefit everyone. How To Improve A Relationship

Problem #4: Your Partner Can't Cut the Apron Strings 

Many people go into adulthood with unresolved childhood conflicts; consequently, they're still attached to domineering and controlling parents and can't seem to break free. For example, I once treated someone who would go to his parents' house every night to eat dinner, have his laundry done, and hang out in his old room watching TV ... despite the fact that he had a wife and two children waiting at home! I told him up front that he was irresponsible and selfish to ignore his family this way, but he complained that his mother would throw a fit if he didn't visit her nightly. I responded that he shouldn't have gotten married if he didn't plan to be around. Apparently he agreed, because he and his wife divorced shortly thereafter.

I'm not suggesting that your situation is this severe, or that you and your partner should completely avoid your respective parents again after you form a relationship. But how can you separate from your parents and live your lives as adults?

Solution #4 

The following point needs to be clarified early in your relationship: Your bond together is now the most important thing in your lives. Of course your parents can be a part of your life together, but they're no longer your priority.
After all, a parent's prime job is to prepare their child for adulthood and then let go so they can form relationships of their own.

It's time to let go of your mother and father as care-takers and see them as a support system. If your partner can't seem to let go of their parents, you need to demand more time together and some cooperation. There's nothing wrong with family vacations together, letting your kids spend time with Grandma and Grandpa, or the occasional dinner at Mom and Dad's - but you and your partner need to come first for each other.

As the saying goes, "You can't choose your family." But I maintain that on some level you can, because you chose your partner. And, ultimately, this is the person you're sharing your life with now. Your families may not enjoy taking a backseat, but if you handle these situations correctly, your in-laws can come to accept their new place, and maybe even enjoy it. How To Improve A Relationship 

Friends And Leisure 

Friends and hobbies will have a huge influence on your relationship. As with any other outside interest, they can add some variety but can also detract from your relationship. In order to maintain balance, you and your partner should agree on the following:

• You can both have friendships outside of the relationship.
• You can choose your own friends. This means that you can't judge your partner's friends by your own criteria.
• You'll try to get to know each other's friends.
• You'll both pursue outside leisure activities whether the other person chooses to participate or not.
• You'll allow each other to grow in divergent areas, which will enhance your relationship.
• And finally, you'll both pursue these outside endeavors in moderation. This is usually the sticking point - it's not the hobby or friends in particular, it's the inordinate amount of time spent away from the relationship that causes arguments ... which brings us to our first problem.

Problem # 1: Your Partner Spends Too Much Time with Friends or on a Hobby 

l don't know of a relationship that can survive if one partner is always spending time with friends or engaging in other activities outside of the home. This doesn't define a great love relationship; in fact, it signals that something is drastically wrong. Yet it is necessary to be able to pursue some things outside of the relationship. You can't be together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, or you'll drive each other nuts!

The difficulty with this particular problem is that your idea of time required pursuing outside interests may not gel with your partner's. And that's when the fights begin.

Solution # 1 

When you commit to a relationship, you're also committing a majority of your time and energy, so you may just have to give up some of your freedom. I'm not saying to bag all of your friends and hobbies, but the time you spend on these things will have to decrease now that you're a couple. Therefore, l think that a couple nights a week out with your friends is plenty of time to unwind from the relationship. And if your partner wants to take a vacation alone or with other friends or relatives without you, I don't see anything inherently wrong with this - as long as it's infrequent, they clearly state up front where they're going and how long they'll be gone, and they keep in touch with you periodically during their time away.

When a client of mine felt angry or stressed out, he used to go to a beach house in Florida for a week and not talk to his wife. I told him that this was a terrible coping skill that could end their relationship. He persisted, and I was right. His wife got tired of his rude behavior and left him.

On the other hand, my brother-in-law goes away for a golf weekend with friends once or twice each summer, leaving his wife to care for their kids. Since he calls her each day to check in, she's okay with these trips - and they may actually help the relationship, because husband and wife get a small break from one another and have the chance to regroup. To learn more, you can check out How To Improve A Relationship.

How To Make Relationship Stronger - Family And In-Laws

How To Make Relationship Stronger

When you commit to another person, you also enter to relationships with their relatives. It doesn't matter if you're dating, engaged, married, straight, or gay - almost everyone has a family somewhere, and these people will now be a major part of your life, whether you like it or not.

Whenever I think of in-laws, I'm always reminded of the movie Meet the Parents, which my wife and I love. Now I'm sure that you won't have to encounter any of the fiascos that happen to the main character as he gets to know his future wife's parents, but your "second family" will have their own idiosyncrasies and issues that you'll have to deal with.

I've been really lucky in this department - I get along really well with my wife's parents, and we've had some great times together. I hope you enjoy the same camaraderie with your own relatives; if you don't, you're going to need a good strategy to survive.

Let's take a look at some of the more common family problems that can greatly affect your relationship, as well as some solutions that can work to defuse tense situations. How To Make Relationship Stronger

Problem # 1: Your In-Laws Interfere in Your Relationship 

You should make every effort to treat your partner's parents and other family members with respect, but if they love to meddle in your affairs, you may feel as if your brain is swimming from all their unwanted advice. They tell you how to raise your children, where to live, what house to buy, when to take vacations, and so forth. Even if you remind yourself that they mean well, how can you handle their constant butting in?

Solution # 1 

You and your partner must ultimately be in charge of your relationship and strive to make decisions independently. This, however, can often be easier said than done.

One of the things I get asked most is: "How do I get my partner to stop listening to their parents all the time?" So many adults will do exactly what Morn or Dad tells them to do because they're afraid to stand up to them, or they feel guilty about opposing them.

If this is the case in your relationship, be prepared for a long and bloody battle. On some level, the parents may be angry that they gave up their son or daughter to you. Of course this isn't your fault, but parents always want to be number one. And when they perceive a threat to displace them, sparks can fly.

I propose the following plan of action when dealing with meddling in-laws: 

Step 1: Tell them that you're not trying to replace them in the eyes of your partner. This may relieve some of the tension.

Step 2: Communicate to your partner that the two of you are now a team and must make all major life decisions on your own. Be open to accepting occasional advice and even criticism from the in-laws, but demand that your partner consult you and respect your wishes more than their parents'.

Step 3: Once in a while, accept your in-laws' advice and go with it. This will make them feel more important and valued and will enhance your relationship with them.

Step 4: Don't make the mistake early on of giving your partner the ultimatum of "it's them or me!" You may soon find out that blood is thicker than water as you're unceremoniously dumped. Later on, when your relationship is solid and serious, you'll have enough clout and leverage to insist that you're now number one for your partner. How To Make Relationship Stronger

Problem #2: Your In-Laws Don't Like You 

You may have little control over this one. Your inlaws could dislike you for a number of crazy reasons, none of which may have anything to do with your personality or character. Although fathers can be just as guilty in this department, the usual culprits here are the mothers. So let's say that your partner's mother is upset that you're in the picture. She tries to minimize your importance by shutting you out of family functions, mocking your wishes, or one-upping you in the domestic department (cooking, shopping, gift buying, and so forth). And when you turn to your partner for moral support, you find that he or she is so scared of her that no action is taken.
What can you do?

Solution #2 

First of all, you must decide early on that you'll do anything within reason to have a good relationship with your in-laws. Smile a lot, don't make any major waves, go to family functions, and try not to stick out too much. Arguing with them won't help your situation and may turn them against you even more. Having said that, they shouldn't be allowed to treat you poorly.

If your in-laws are openly hostile toward you, try asking them if you've done anything to offend them. This tactic may work, but you may also be met with: "No, there's no problem. We like you a lot" - followed by no change in their behavior.

If they continue to treat you unkindly, then it's time to sit down with your partner and ask for help. If they refuse, then you need to question their level of commitment to you (as well as their ability to separate from their family).

Finally, and I hate to say this at the risk of sounding trite, just live your life. Do things that you enjoy and make sound decisions based on your own intuition. If your in-laws don't like it, well, too bad. Maybe someday they'll come around and appreciate you, or maybe they won't - but basing your self-esteem around what they think will do you no good. Get your support from others who will truly back you without judgment and criticism. To learn more, you can check out How To Make Relationship Stronger.

How To Make A Marriage Happy - Separation Between Work And Home

How To Make A Marriage Happy

Problem #3: There's No Line of Separation Between Work and Home 

We all know workaholics ... but, to be honest, I'm not one of them. I'm often asked how I leave my patients' problems at the office; in fact, my wife and friends have commented that I generally don't talk about my work at all when I'm at home. Do I have some magical ability that allows me to compartmentalize areas of my life so neatly? Well, no ... but I do know a few tricks that I'll share with you.

Solution #3 

One of the keys to keeping things in your relationship in perspective is the ability to set boundaries on the job and at home. This means that you can't give in to your boss every time you're asked to stay late, causing you to miss quality time with your partner; but on the flip side, you also can't blow off work or show up late because your partner wants you to. Here's a statement that will work in both situations: "No, I need to attend to other things that are also important right now."

Your success in this area will ultimately be based on flexibility. You and your partner must always allow room for ~ negotiation - there may be times when you have to work long hours on a big project and put your relationship on the back burner for a while; other times you may need a longoverdue vacation, a sick day or a personal day to hang out with your partner. This is all part of the balancing act. How To Make A Marriage Happy

In addition, you should make a distinct separation between work and home. For example, on my drive to and from work, I play some relaxing music. I don't spend this time on my cell phone tieing up loose ends or returning messages - I do all that before I ever walk out of my office. I try very hard to finish my work before I leave for the day, even if this means that I stay for a few extra minutes. This is great for my marriage, because once I walk in the door to my house, I'm "home." This way, I'm able to create two distinct halves in my day ... and I get some time to myself as well.

Here are some other techniques that work to separate work from home:

• Run some errands after work to get your mind on other tasks.
• Exercise - it clears your head and works off excess energy and frustration.
• Schedule a class or hobby right after your workday so that you're focused on something you enjoy when you walk in the door to your home.
• If you work at home, make sure that you've set aside a specific room just for work. If you're not working, then don't go in there! And remember, when you're done for the day, leave your home for a while - go for a walk or run some errands, but do something to buffer your work and home time.

One more thing: Do not, and I repeat, do not, attempt to solve your relationship problems while you're at work. If I had a dime for every time I had to listen to a co-worker argue with their partner on the phone, I'd be a very rich man. There seems to be no limit to the sordid tales I've heard - stories of cheating and lying, sexual improprieties, and a variety of other intimate problems. What's funny is that nothing ever seems to get resolved this way, since after a heated exchange the phone usually gets slammed down in a fit of anger. Relationship issues need to be addressed face-to-face, not over the phone at work! In addition, stop sharing details about your relationship with your co-workers - this is something that I guarantee you'll regret.

The lesson here is this: When you're at work, focus on work. Conversely, when you get home, try to avoid extensive conversations about the stressful day you had.

Problem #4: Your Partner Doesn't Spend Enough Time with You 

One of the most common complaints that women have about men is that they don't spend enough time working on the relationship. Women have had this issue with men for as long as relationships have been around, and it probably won't change anytime soon.

I included this problem because many people use work as an excuse to stay away from home. In order to avoid chores, kids, or their partners, some people will "stay late at the office" or "meet with clients" during the evenings. I knew a guy who worked on a "big project" night after night, when in reality he was out drinking with his friends and ignoring his family. If this describes your partner, what can you do?

Solution #4 

First determine how much time you require with your partner without any outside interruptions. If you feel neglected, speak up so your partner knows there's a problem. You can say something like, "I really want to be around you more. How can we work together so we can have more alone time?" Then offer to make some concessions and expect the same in return.

For example, offer to meet your partner at their workplace occasionally for lunch or dinner. Look into some hobbles and activities that you'll both enjoy. Try to plan at least one "date night" every week - I truly believe that this is one of the most important things you can do for your relationship, since you'll get to reconnect on a regular basis. Before you know it, you'll have all the quality time you need with your partner! How To Make A Marriage Happy

Problem #5: Your Partner Can't or Won't Work 

Some people can't work due to a disability, so their partner may need to provide all the financial support. Many relationships thrive under these conditions, though, because both people contribute to the relationship in some way.

But what happens if your partner decides that they don't want to work anymore? Perhaps they're pregnant, taking time off to regroup, or going back to school to change careers - all of which could actually strengthen your relationship in the long run. However, if your partner's unemployment is due to less noble reasons (they'd rather kick back, they can't hold a job, or they've simply become dependent on you for financial support), then it will ultimately cause a huge strain in the relationship. 

Solution #5 

The decision you make will be based on how much you're willing to stand. If everything's crumbling around you and you're on the verge of bankruptcy, then it seems obvious that you wouldn't be able to tolerate your partner's refusal to work. If your financial situation is stable, but your partner seems content living off what you make, then you need to determine whether this is acceptable to you. If it isn't, then it's up to you to tell them how you feel.
Hopefully, you'll make some headway and your partner will realize how important it is for them to pull their own weight.

Unfortunately, you can't force someone to be productive in the world. I had to learn this the hard way. My intense drive to work on ten different things at once is difficult to match, so I needed to learn to back off from pressuring my wife, and give her a chance to do her own thing. However, if we were really in a bad way financially and Betsy adamantly refused to do anything to help, I'd probably be really disappointed and question her commitment to our relationship.

It may be useful to pretend you're on a seesaw, trying to balance your career and your relationship. If you do find that perfect equilibrium, your self-esteem and your relationship will flourish. To learn more, you can check out How To Make A Marriage Happy.