Here's a shocking statistic for you to ponder: Approximately 35 to 40 percent of all married men and 25 percent of all married women cheat on their spouses. Clearly, it's very difficult for a lot of us to honor our vows and commitments to another person for the rest of our lives.
Since it ranks up there as one of the most significant ways to hurt and betray another individual, we're going to take a more in-depth look at infidelity and its associated problems. When you find out that your partner has cheated on you, the work is just beginning.
Your relationship may survive, but first you need to accept this truth: Cheating will absolutely change the dynamic of your relationship, and it will never be the same again. This doesn't mean that there's no chance for redemption - the relationship can continue, but it will have to do so under different rules and guidelines, with an emphasis on trust, and an understanding of what led to the infidelity in the first place.
Problem # 1 : You Haven't Exactly Defined Infidelity for Your Partner
I know that no one wants to think about breaking up as a result of infidelity. It's certainly not a very romantic topic to discuss with your significant other - or maybe you believe that your partner should just intuitively know what's right and what's not. Either way, your expectations may not be in line with your partner's, especially when it comes to interactions with those outside your relationship. That's when the trouble begins.
Solution # 1
It's your responsibility to determine what you believe infidelity is and communicate this to your partner. I'll make this easier by offering up my own definition, which was first given to me by Karen Hand, the co-host of a radio show:
Infidelity: You're engaged in a behavior of a sexual or intimate nature that you cannot openly discuss with your partner. After Infidelity Or An Affair
This explanation is perfect, because it covers both the actual act of cheating and the subsequent process of concealment and lying. (Notice that it includes nonphysical factors, since you can be intimate with someone without actually touching them.) There shouldn't be any major secrets in your relationship, or the trust and honesty that are necessary elements of a successful union will be missing.
It's now up to you to precisely define what you consider to be cheating. Ask yourself the following:
- Can my partner have sexual relations (including, but not limited to, intercourse) with another person?
- Is there a difference between a one-night stand versus an affair? Does the frequency matter, or is it one strike and they're out?
- How much flirting can my significant other engage in with other people?
- How close can my partner get to someone else on a "just friends" basis? Is it okay for them to share personal details about our life together with someone else?
- What is my view on pornography and strip clubs? Can my partner see members of the opposite sex naked, whether "real" or on film or in print?
Your answers to these questions should give you and your partner a jumping-off point for a frank discussion on what constitutes infidelity in your relationship.
Problem #2: Your Partner Has Cheated on You
For many people, it's incredibly painful to imagine the most important person in their life having sexual relations with someone else, so they immediately end the relationship without giving their partner a second chance. Yet a larger percentage will choose to stay with someone who's been unfaithful, hoping that things will somehow get better. Many of these people will get cheated on again and again, but some will save the relationship and regain some measure of happiness.
If you do decide to stay together, keep in mind that the relationship will have no chance of surviving if you don't try to accomplish one crucial goal: Determine exactly why infidelity has become a part of your relationship. If you and your partner don't seek to understand the behavior and motivation behind the indiscretion, your relationship will have little chance of moving forward. Couples who try to sweep this issue under the rug or assume that it will all just go away are fooling themselves.
Solution #2
Here, I'm going to list the most common reasons behind cheating. Think about whether any of these apply to your own situation. If so, your plan of action should include a no-holds barred discussion about the particular area. (Note: I strongly believe that you should have these discussions not only at home, but also with a trained therapist or relationship counselor, since you're probably not going to be able to figure this out on your own. Keep in mind that infidelity is merely a symptom of something else that's drastically wrong with your relationship - it occurs because there are unresolved issues that aren't being addressed. I think that your relationship has little chance of surviving unless you both agree to go to couples' counseling.)
Sexual reasons: This is the area that you two will probably focus on the most, for it's common to feel that your partner cheated on you because your sex life is deficient. I can't deny that there are some people who will cheat simply because of sexual needs; the risk of infidelity is certainly greatly diminished if both partners enjoy having sex with each other.
So ask your partner the following question,"What, if anything, is lacking in our sex life that led you to cheat?" This is difficult, because hearing that things may need to change in this most intimate of areas can be embarrassing. Nevertheless, you must talk about it. After Infidelity Or An Affair
Emotional reasons: This could be the area where you and your partner will make the most strides in understanding each other. You'll have to shift your discussions away from sex to an exploration of your emotional states. When cheating occurs, it's natural to think that it must strictly be due to a sexual cause - but many instances of infidelity actually take place as a result of emotional needs. The third party may be providing some kind of support that isn't present in the main relationship, or the cheater may be seeking an emotional escape from their home life - they can have sex and leave the third party, no strings attached.
People also cheat because they feel anger and resentment toward their partner. It becomes difficult to verbalize these feelings within the context of the relationship, so the cheater performs an act designed to hurt their significant other. Some cheaters don't even care if they're caught; in fact, on a subconscious level, they actually hope that they will be.
Also look at the issue of boredom. Relationships can lose their spark after a number of years, but instead of communicating this to their parther, the cheater goes outside the relationship to try to create some excitement.
You never took a stand: You may not want to hear this, but the truth is that you may need to share some of the blame for your partner's indiscretions. I'm not talking about the first time you find out that your partner has betrayed you - this may come out of the blue, and it isn't your fault.
However, after you find out that your partner has cheated on you, you need to take decisive steps to stop the behavior. Don't live in a fantasy world where your partner will just magically see the light and never cheat again - most research indicates that if you take a cheater back without any help or therapy, they'll cheat on you again. Yet if you make it crystal clear that infidelity will not be tolerated but will be met with the end of the relationship, your partner will probably think twice before having sexual relations with someone else.
There's baggage from the past: Did your partner's parents cheat on each other or keep secrets? Was your partner lied to or betrayed by significant others from the past? Is there a pattern of cheating on other love interests?
I'm always amazed when someone who's fooling around with a married man or woman believes that they won't be cheated on in the future. A friend of mine was the mistress of a married man, and then they ended up in a relationship together.
She was devastated when he proceeded to cheat on her with someone else. It seemed like a no brainer to me - why would she think that somehow she could keep him from cheating? After all, she knew firsthand that he was capable of infidelity because she'd been his mistress! Your job here is relatively easy: Ask questions and keep your eyes open. Even if you have to ask your partner's friends and associates for information on their past experiences, do so before it's too late. To learn more, you can check out After Infidelity Or An Affair.
