How To Improve Communication In A Relationship - Boring Sex

How To Improve Communication In A Relationship

Problem #5: Boring Sex 

No matter how hard we try, sex can sometimes get a bit routine. I've met couples who have sex only at certain times of the day, and only in the same positions. Then they complain that their sex life seems more like work. Of course it does - imagine doing the same task in the same way day after day without any change in routine. It's enough to make you want to abstain completely.
 

In addition, when people get involved in a committed relationship, they start to live out new "roles" in life. This happens to everyone and can impact your relationship happiness. Now you're not just a fun-loving, sexual creature - you're also a mother, father, boss, employee, and responsible member of the community. These roles, while necessary, invariably change your self-image. Your sexual being can assume less importance, and you'll begin to see yourself as an average person. Once you lose the sense that you're a sensual man or woman, things can start to go downhill fast - you stop wearing sexy underwear and even let yourself go physically. Sex becomes a chore, not an experience filled with romance and spontaneity. A valuable connection with your partner gets lost.
 
Solution #5 

Your sex life will only be as boring as you allow it to be. I challenge you right now to start seeing yourself as a sexual person who has the right to feel love and romance again. I don't care if you think you're ugly or overweight - you can have great sex again if you're willing to take a chance and go for it. How To Improve Communication In A Relationship
 
Remember that wonderful sex can only come about as a result of a healthy relationship, yet it can also make you feel more connected and strengthen your relationship bond - it's a two-way street. The first thing you need to do is focus on romance outside of the bedroom. This means that you and your partner will have to begin the process of reconnecting in special ways, like when you first began seeing each other. At least once a week, you should go on a "date" (it doesn't count if you take your kids or go along with another couple). The activity needs to be fun - it could be a romantic dinner, a sports event, a trip to the park, or a weekend out of town. This will start the ball rolling to spice up your sex life, even though these activities don't necessarily involve sex.
 
Next, when you actually get into the bedroom, you should both start spending more time on foreplay. It's easy to hop into bed, have intercourse for a few minutes, and then roll over and go to sleep. But it will be more fun and rewarding to try out some new lingerie or toys, and touch and caress each other before you have sex. Of equal importance is setting the scene for romance, which means that the area should be clean, softly lit by candles or low light, and free of other distractions such as the TV. Massages and baths together are also a great way to get the juices flowing.
 
Finally, if you just can't think of anything new by yourself, purchase one of the many sex manuals that are on the market, which will tell you in detail how to spark up your sex life. Don't be embarrassed many couples have a hard time with variety. You might also benefit from buying some sexy clothes. You women should realize that men are naturally very visual and like to look at you in provocative outfits.
 
And while you men like your women to be knockouts, realize that you should put the same care into your own appearance. It's unreasonable to expect that women are going to maintain an attraction if their partners have terrible personal hygiene. So men, understand that women like to feel pretty and don't want to see you in the same pair of dirty underwear night after night. This takes some effort, but the payoff could be tremendous.

Problem #6: "I Have a Headache" 

When someone is angry or frustrated in the relationship, it's tempting to withhold sex as a way to punish their partner. It's a way of saying, "If you don't do what I want, then I won't do what you want." Some couples will go for months or even years without sex because they're playing out other issues from the relationship.
 
If you start getting the old "I have a headache" excuse, then know that there are sexual problems on the horizon. If you're two healthy adults in a loving relationship, you should want to have sex with each other. So, this problem demands a careful analysis and an attempt to find a solution that pleases you both. How To Improve Communication In A Relationship
 
Solution #6 

It won't help to fight about the last time you had sex because you'll start arguing about whether it was two weeks ago last Friday or three Thursdays ago. Nor does it do any good to pick apart the excuses and invalidate your partner's feelings. Saying things like, "So what if you're stressed? I want some sex!" or "You really aren't that tired!" will only lead to an argument in which you both defend your behavior. You certainly won't get to the root of your problem.
 
The best approach will be one that seeks to understand the aversion to sex. This means that your initial statement to your partner should be, "Is there something else going on that's causing you to turn off to me?" Let them know that you want to hear the truth and are interested in finding a solution. Avoid the tendency to judge or minimize their feelings, even if you don't agree. (Remember, you're trying to get your sex life back on track, so this is no time to go on the offensive.)
 

Agree to take your partner's concerns into consideration and make the necessary changes. However, you must also make it clear that withholding sex isn't a coping skill that's going to work in your relationship. You have a right to expect that if there is a problem, your partner will verbalize it and not use the tactic of holding your sex life hostage. This is simply unfair to both of you, and it's an immature way to solve problems.
 
If neither you nor your partner have any desire to have sex again, then it could be a reflection of other more serious personal and psychological issues. As I mentioned earlier, there are medical conditions that can cause a dampening of the sex drive, so you may want to see a health-care professional. It may also be helpful to talk to a counselor and/or sex therapist if things don't improve, since depression and other stressors can dramatically impact normal sexual function.
 
Sex is one of the most enjoyable aspects of a healthy relationship. As I noted earlier, you deserve to experience intimacy and fulfilling sex with your partner. By putting a premium on romance and sex, your relationship can only get better. To learn more, you can check out How To Improve Communication In A Relationship.

How To Make A Healthy Relationship - Enjoying Your Sexual Life

How To Make A Healthy Relationship

Problem #3: Sex-Drive Discrepancies 

In an ideal world, you and your partner would want to have sex at exactly the same frequency: If you want sex three times a day, your partner would agree; if your partner wanted sex once a month, this would be fine with you, too. Unfortunately, things don't tend to be that neat in the world of sex, and people naturally desire different amounts. This can lead to big problems as feelings get hurt and egos get stepped on.

This isn't gender specific - some people may be satisfied with virtually no sex in the relationship, while others need sex almost every day (and sometimes multiple times in the same day).
 
Why is there such a discrepancy in sex drives from person to person? Science has yet to come up with a good explanation, except to say that it's probably a combination of genetics and psychology. So what can you do?  

Solution #3
 
You and your partner absolutely need to discuss the sex-drive issue, because sexual frustration is one of the main reasons why people go for days without talking or even begin to cheat on each other. There's no right or wrong answer to how often you should have sex - for some couples it may be every day, and for others it may be every year - but you should both somewhat agree on the frequency. So the solution to this problem can actually be stated in steps that build on themselves: 

- Step 1. You need to make every reasonable attempt to be with a partner who shares a sex-drive level close to yours. (If you don't believe in premarital sex, then this will be a bit difficult to determine, since you won't know what naturally feels right.) When you start to have sex with someone, ask yourself if their level of desire generally matches yours. For example, a friend of mine wanted to have sex several times a week, yet he dated a person who thought that once a month was appropriate. Everything else was great - they had similar interests and loved to be together - but the sex issue ultimately ended the relationship. How To Make A Healthy Relationship
 
- Step 2: Take action if your or your partner's sex drive significantly changes during the course of your relationship. When people lose family members; have children; or experience financial, health, or family problems, their sex drive can be affected. So you need to openly discuss, and really try to understand, why your partner is having difficulty with sex. Remember that sex is usually the first thing to go when there are other problems not being worked through.
 
Next, back off a bit and stop trying to guilt-trip your partner into having sex with you more often. This is difficult to do when you really desire frequent intercourse, but keep in mind that pressuring someone to have sex with you will never lead to good sex. (However, you should set a reasonable timetable with your partner to resolve the problem - if it goes on too long, you both should seek therapy.)
 
- Step 3: This is a controversial stance, but I believe that if the rest of the relationship is fulfilling, you may need to have sex every once in a while even if you aren't totally into it at that particular moment. You can do this occasionally to please your partner and make them happy. Part of maintaining a relationship is the realization that at times you may have to give in to your partner. Of course, this compromise then needs to be appreciated by your partner and reciprocated in the future,
 
Problem #4: Different Sexual Tastes 

I once counseled a woman who felt badgered by her husband to perform oral sex, which was a practice that repulsed her. Unfortunately, this became an issue that threatened their entire relationship because her husband wanted fellatio desperately and told her that he'd go elsewhere to get it if she didn't comply. They were at a real impasse because neither one wanted to back down.
 
Another time I treated a man whose wife told him that she wanted to join a swingers' club and bring other people into their sex lives "just to add some excitement." He was shocked and felt that his wife was just looking for a way to legally cheat on him. This caused a huge rift in their relationship, and they almost split up because of it.
 
These two examples illustrate that there may be a major disagreement between partners with respect to what they each want and are willing to do sexually. If the behavior is illegal, physically/emotionally harmful, or obviously destructive to the relationship in general, then the decision should be easy: Don't do it. However, many sexual practices fall into a gray area - they're important to one partner and unattractive to the other. So how do you navigate through the problem of sexual practices that turn you off, weighed against the problem of hurting your partner's feelings when you say no? How To Make A Healthy Relationship

Solution #4 

Most of us just hop into bed and don't ask questions - later we find out that our partner enjoys certain sexual behaviors that completely turn us off. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation: If you refuse to do something that makes you uncomfortable, your partner will be mad: if you do agree, then your principles will be compromised and you may even feel used.
 
So it's your responsibility, to find out sooner than later exactly what your partner enjoys in the bedroom - you need to talk about it and ask specific questions! This may not be the best topic for a first date, but you won't want to be unpleasantly surprised months or years later when your partner asks you to have sex with someone else while he or she watches, for example.
 

You also need to make it crystal clear what you will and will not do sexually. (There's no use holding back this information so that you won't offend someone - it will only lead to bigger problems down the road.) If your partner ignores your sexual boundaries, then this is a sign of disrespect. I know people who will bring up the "taboo topic" once every few months, after their partner has said no repeatedly. This is not only rude, but it's tiring as well. It's perfectly acceptable to tell your partner to back off and concentrate on the positives instead of what they're not getting.
 
Finally, if you've been up front and clear on your sexual "do's and don'ts" and your partner still insists on trying the unacceptable behaviors, then sex is being used as a means of control and intimidation. This is usually a sign of other bad things to come. Moreover, if your partner uses the old excuse for cheating that "I had to get it somewhere else since you wouldn't do it for me," you're better off ending this relationship as soon as you can. To learn more, you can check out How To Make A Healthy Relationship.
 

What Is Intimacy In Marriage - Believing In Great Sex

What Is Intimacy In Marriage

Problem #1: Believing That Great Sex = A Great Relationship 

I don't want to stereotype the genders here, but it's been proven repeatedly that women equate sex to love more so than men. In fact, many women need to feel that there's the potential for a long-term relationship before they'll even think about having sex.
 
Men, on the other hand, can and will copulate with someone just for the pleasure derived from the act itself. Naturally, some men need to feel a special connection, but others are able to have great sex with women they don't really care that much about. These guys can move on without looking back.
 
Women are often left wondering why their relationships ended after weeks or months of awesome sex. The reality is that a few nights of sex does not automatically lead to a committed, monogamous relationship.

Solution #1
 
You need to accept the fact that a great relationship will be based on more than sparks in the bedroom. Just because someone wants to have sex with you doesn't mean that they also want to spend the rest of their life with you. Realize that different people have different motivations for having sex - for example, they enjoy the physicality of it, they need to feel "wanted" for a brief period of time, they use sex as a tool to draw you in, and so on. There are many more psychological reasons that drive sexual behavior, but suffice it to say that not all of them are honorable.
 
So wise up about the meaning of sex in a relationship. After all, many couples are able to enjoy hot, passionate nights of steamy romance, only to argue and fight their way through the rest of the relationship. It's difficult for them to see things clearly because "We're having great sex!" Hold out for the entire package - wonderful sexual experience and a great nonsexual partnership with your mate. What Is Intimacy In Marriage

Problem #2: Inability to Achieve Orgasm 

Again, this problem used to be stereotypically thought of as a female one. However, there are men who can engage in sexual activity and never reach the point of orgasm. This is less common than the reverse case in which the man ejaculates too quickly, but it can still present a problem.
 
No matter which partner this issue affects, it's incredibly frustrating for both people and can lead to tension in the relationship. The first person starts thinking, Why can't I have an orgasm? There has to be something seriously wrong, while the other thinks, I'm not satisfying my parther enough if they can't climax when we have sex. 

The orgasm has come to represent the benchmark of a mutually satisfying sexual experience, yet I believe that sex doesn't have to end with an orgasm. I've debated this point with many colleagues and friends who feel that orgasms are a must, but my opinion remains the same: By only focusing attention and energy on the end result (the orgasm), you and your partner may miss out on other important parts of sex, such as foreplay and just being together. Of course that's not to say that you shouldn't shoot for a great orgasm - the point is that by thinking about it too much, you'll decrease your chances of achieving one.
 
So what should you do if you or your partner find it difficult to fully enjoy sex? After all, both people deserve to achieve the ultimate pleasure in their sex life, even if one partner reaches an orgasm more readily.
 
Solution #2 

I'm going to list the most common reasons why some people are unable to climax during sex. After each point, we'll look at a potential solution that may work for you or your partner. 

- Primary anorgasmia. This means that you've never had an orgasm, even through masturbation. There are a small number of people who just cannot reach the point of orgasm, no matter what technique is used. So the first question to ask is whether you've ever had an orgasm. If you don't know what an orgasm feels like, there are several books that describe the experience in great detail read up on it.
 
Next, see your gynecologist or urologist to rule out any medical problems. There are conditions (such as diabetes, uterine or penile problems, thyroid complications, or depression) that can lessen the ability to have an orgasm. If your doctor clears you, then it's time to examine psychological causes. Baggage from your childhood, unpleasant sexual experiences, and other inhibitions can make you anorgasmic, and therapy can certainly help you deal with these issues and enhance your sexual experience. 

- You're not properly stimulated during sex. This is probably the most common reason for not achieving an orgasm. The bottom line is that the right parts of you must be stimulated with the right amount of touch - if this doesn't happen, you probably won't climax. And believe it or not, intercourse can actually get in the way! You or your partner may need other forms of stimulation to finally let go enough to achieve orgasm. Generally speaking, for a woman the clitoris needs to be stimulated, for it's the spot that has the greatest chance of producing an orgasm. (The clitoris is located at the top of the vaginal opening on the outside and looks like a small, round, raised area.) For a man, the penis needs the right frequency of stimulation with some lubrication.
 
So how will your partner know what to do? The answer is simple - you need to tell or show them what feels good. If you can bring yourself to orgasm, then your partner should be able to replicate the same technique for you. This leads to the third cause. What Is Intimacy In Marriage

- Your partner is unwilling to do what it takes to help you reach orgasm. Some people are really selfish, and others just aren't gifted in the sexual arena and have poor form and technique, but you can overcome these obstacles. You need to be with someone who's willing to learn, and to take the time to improve things for both of you. What this means on a practical level is that if your partner climaxes first, they'll continue to do whatever is necessary to help you orgasm. However, if they consistently won't work with you, that's a big problem, which encompasses more than just sex - it's a symptom of disrespect and selfishness.
 
- You can't relax enough during sex to let go. Sex can be anxiety-provoking, especially if you're with a new partner or have various hang-ups about your body. In addition, stressors related to work or children can impact your moods and make it difficult for you to relax. Whatever the case, your anxiety level can tremendously affect your ability to have an orgasm.

The first thing to do is to identify any potential causes of nervousness and then attempt to put them aside while you have sex. I know this is easier said than done, but here's a great technique that's useful for many people. First, see if you can answer this question: "What should I be thinking about during the actual lovemaking session?" The answer is one word: "Nothing." Really try to put everything out of your head, and only focus on the sensations in your body. Successful orgasms come about after you relax enough to let it happen, which means that you may not have your best orgasms with a new partner. As you start to feel more comfortable with your partner (and practice makes perfect!), you'll increase the odds of a pleasurable outcome.
 
- You just don't want to have sex at that particular moment. You may be tired, angry at your partner, or just not in the mood for sex. That's okay. Give yourself and your partner a break and try again on another day. No one can climax every time they have sex ... so enjoy whatever does happen.
 
Finally remember that if you and your partner just can't get in synch, then it may be time for a trip to your friendly sex therapist or counselor. Don't be ashamed - this could be quite helpful and get you back on the right track. To learn more, you can check out What Is Intimacy Marriage.

How To Make Marriage Better - Money Interferring Relationship

How To Make Marriage Better

Problem #5: Money As Power 

In a relationship full of sharing and fairness, it won't really matter who brings home the most money; but in a relationship filled with greed and envy, money will probably be used as the ultimate leverage to manipulate situations in a certain way.
 
I've known people who will withhold money if their partner doesn't do exactly what they want. It's an unspoken way of saying, "I'll let you in on the money if you give me something in return." In fact, I know of a woman who stayed in a loveless marriage for years and got bossed around by a controlling husband, but, hey, she got to drive a Mercedes and go on extravagant shopping sprees if she did exactly what he demanded.
 

Would you trade emotional happiness for material possessions? A lot of folks do, but I doubt that deep down inside they truly feel good about themselves.
 
At some point you may find yourself dealing with a partner who will use money to gain power. Not only is this completely unfair, but it will ultimately create an imbalance in the relationship. The most obvious illustration of this concept is when one partner makes a lot more money than their partner. It used to be the man who was the primary breadwinner, but more and more, that dynamic is being reversed. A good friend of mine makes more than her husband does, but they've managed to keep things equal on an emotional level. Another couple divorced because the husband made more and rubbed it in the face of his wife every time they disagreed about anything.
 
What makes these two couples different? Well, the successful couple followed the solution below. How To Make Marriage Better
 
Solution #5 

You and your partner need to completely agree on the importance of money in your relationship: If you're in disagreement about another subject (such as children, sex, or housework), money must never be brought into the equation as a form of leverage. You never want to hear the following statement from your partner: "I won't give you any more money if you don't do what I say!" You can't allow yourself to be held hostage by a partner who exerts power through finances.
 
In a committed relationship, money should go into one account and be shared equally - both partners need to have the same access to it. Relationships in which the mode of operation is: "You have your money and I have mine" have a greater chance of failing. In my view, it doesn't matter if one partner makes 100 percent of the money - both of you are a team. There are many contributions to any relationship that cannot be measured in dollars and cents. Agree on this principle.
 
The partner making the most money doesn't get to make all the life decisions! So many couples make this mistake - the earner decides everything because the other person feels dependent and subservient. Eventually the one taking orders will become jealous, angry, and resentful and may exert power in other destructive ways. If you're the one making less than your partner, it's really okay. If you need to catch up monetarily, then do something to further your career. Also, let go of any envy you feel toward your partner, and focus on the things you can do.
 
You now have practical solutions that will help you handle financial roadblocks. These problems don't have to destroy your relationship if you both agree to talk about them often. I truly hope that someday you'll also come to define richness without ever using the word money ... other aspects of your relationship will seem much more important when you look back many years from now. How To Make Marriage Better

Sex

Sex is a very touchy subject for most of us to talk about (no pun intended). We tend to expect romance to just magically occur without any discussion, believing on some level that our partner should just intuit what we prefer in the bedroom. Sometimes sex is great and seems effortless, but we can often end up feeling unfulfilled and disappointed.
 
Many times in my career I've made the following point: Sex is certainly important in relationships, but it's not the only thing that will determine your happiness - nor can it define your relationship over a long period of time.
 
Having said that, I do want to note that a satisfying sex life will enhance your bond and increase your relationship's chance of success. A couple who has great sex will be more connected and treat each other in a more loving way. The thing to remember is that intimacy - which includes many behaviors that go beyond the actual act of sexual intercourse - counts. Hugging, kissing, hand-holding, and exchanging love notes are all forms of intimate behavior that should be present in a healthy relationship.
 
In the next few posts, it's my intention to offer up solutions to several major issues that impact intimate relationships. I've been talking about sexual topics in the media for more than a decade now, so I have a pretty good foundation of knowledge on the subject. I don't intend to offend you with graphic details, but a discussion like this needs to be frank. And if you're struggling with any of the following problems, I hope that you'll open up a line of dialogue with your partner - who will only know that something's wrong if you speak up.
 

Before we get started, I'd like to warn you not to fall into the trap of talking about sex only when you're in your bedroom or during the throes of passion. This is a bad idea, since the conversation will inevitably take on an emotional tone when you need complete objectivity. (Of course, it's all right to guide your partner during sex by telling them that something feels good, but don't initiate a discussion on serious sexual problems at this point.) Compatible couples talk about their needs outside of the bedroom - that is, they pick a quiet time and place, sit face-to-face with each other, and try to solve the issues in a reasonable way. It's sometimes awkward, but you must set any sense of embarrassment aside and talk about what you really want.
 
Let's look at some sexual problems that can make you feel very dissatisfied in the next post. At mean time, you can check out How To Make Marriage Better for more details.