Jon and Sue completed the Marital Recovery Agreement shortly after I began helping them recover from the affair. They first reviewed the five Love Busters and then identified the ones that needed attention. Sue indicated that Jon needed to avoid disrespectful judgments, and Jon wanted Sue to avoid being dishonest about her feelings and her activities.
To complete the emotional needs section, they had to identify their most important emotional needs and rank the top five in order of their priority.
Finally, Jon and Sue agreed to review their progress regularly to be sure that they were making steady improvement. They also agreed to meet with each other every Sunday afternoon to schedule their fifteen hours of undivided attention for that week.
Jon and Sue took the steps that were necessary to recover from what was the most painful experience of their lives. And those steps brought them to the marriage they had always wanted. How To Get The Person You Love Back
Before I stopped counseling them, Jon admitted that his resentment had faded away, just as I had predicted it would. His trust for Sue grew as her willingness and ability to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement were proven to him. Sue and Jon had fallen in love again and were the soul mates that they had been when they first married.
Kevin and Lee also completed the Marital Recovery Agreement when they began their recovery. And because Kevin had ended his affair before it had spun out of control, it was easier for them to follow the four Rules of Marriage than it had been for Sue and Jon. Lee's resentment faded much more quickly than Jon's did. Within a few months they reported feeling happier with their life and marriage than they had ever been.
A Final Warning: Protect Your Love Bank from the Deposits of Others
If you want a great marriage, you and your spouse must be In love with each other. And if you want to be in love with each other, you must have large balances in each other's Love Bank.
But being in love with each other will not necessarily prevent you from falling in love with someone else. The feeling of love simply means that someone has deposited enough love units in your Love Bank to trigger that feeling. And someone other than your spouse may deposit those love units. But the feeling of love for someone other than your spouse is downright dangerous. Everything in you will encourage you to spend more time with this person who makes you feel so good, even if it is a threat to your spouse. As I have suggested earlier, when you feel attracted to someone of the opposite sex, tell your spouse about it right away, and then avoid being with that person. It's tough to do what Kevin did after he had fallen in love with Amy - he never saw or talked to her again - but it was what he had to do.
To avoid getting into Kevin's predicament and finding yourself in love with someone else, it's important to guard your Love Bank, keeping others from making too many deposits into it. I suggest extraordinary precautions to protect the Love Bank. Make it easy for your spouse, and make it relatively difficult for others, to deposit love units. You can do that by making sure that no one but your spouse has the opportunity to meet your most important emotional needs.
If you want to be in love with your spouse, and avoid being in love with anyone else, see to it that your spouse has the largest account in your Love Bank, and that no one else has a chance to compete. How To Get The Person You Love Back
Here are a few suggestions that will help you guard your Love Bank:
- Spend most of your recreational time either alone or with your spouse so that when you are having a good time, your spouse is right there enjoying it with you. Avoid recreational activities with members of the opposite sex who could build Love Bank balances by simply being with you when you are enjoying yourself.
- If you find someone of the opposite sex attractive, avoid spending much time with that person. Avoid dinners together, car-pools, business trips, or any other setting that would give the person a chance to deposit enough love units to trigger in you the feeling of romantic love.
- If someone of the opposite sex ever tells you that he or she finds you attractive, tell that person how much you love your spouse. Never tell that person how you feel about him or her. In general, avoid telling anyone other than your spouse about your attraction to him or her. If that person's feelings of attraction toward you, or your feelings of attraction for him or her are ever revealed, avoid seeing or talking to that person again.
If you are attracted to someone of the opposite sex, and you have agreed to the Rule of Protection, you must prevent yourself from forming a romantic relationship with that person. If you ever find yourself infatuated with someone other than your spouse, don't walk away, RUN! Have nothing to do with him or her, even if it means quitting your job, leaving your church, or moving from your neighborhood. And, for sure, don't ever tell him or her how you feel. To do otherwise is to cause your spouse needless pain because it opens up the emotional trap that can lead to an affair.
Looking to the Future
As a marriage counselor, the most rewarding part of counseling a couple is when they start experiencing the rewards of their new habits. I have seen thousands of couples build love and compatibility from the despair that comes from infidelity. These couples recover with a deep emotional attraction and a strong bond for each other.
But I warn every couple that this renewed feeling of love depends on their willingness and ability to continue following the four rules that guided them to recovery. It was their ability to protect each other, care for each other, give each other undivided attention, and be completely honest with each other that caused these good feelings and their new relationship. To maintain their strong relationship, these four rules must be continually followed.
Sue and Jon, and Kevin and Lee, like many others, had wondered if they could ever heal from the emotional bruises that the affairs inflicted on them. But in the end, both marriages recovered completely. Both couples created marriages they had always wanted and needed, and the affair, while painful, did not keep them from a lifetime of love. To learn more, you can check out How To Get The Person You Love Back.
