How do you know when an argument is really over? Unfortunately for most couples, discussions end when one person storms out of the room, one freezes the other out with the old silent treatment, or one yells, "That's just the way it's gonna be!" Clearly, even though that particular exchange may have ended, the problem is far from being solved.
This post starts with the following truth: The talking may have stopped, but that doesn't mean that the problem has gone away! It's certainly no fun to hash out difficult relationship problems. That's why many of us fall into the common trap of arguing without first defining the answers to the following:
Question # 1: What am I truly fighting over? In other words, have I strictly defined what I need?
Question #2: What specific outcome must result so I feel that the problem-solving attempt has been successful?
Few of your problems will ever be resolved to your satisfaction if you're not disciplined enough to ask these questions of yourself each and every time a conflict arises in your relationship - no matter whether you're living together, married, or just dating. Unless you've first figured out how you want the conflict to be resolved, your discussion will have no chance of reaching a satisfactory conclusion (for either of you). And isn't the goal of any discussion to reach a reasonable end point so that you can go on to other enjoyable activities that will enhance the relationship? Husband And Wife Communication
Possible Solutions
Let's take a look at the outcomes that will result from an attempt to solve a relationship problem. One of these scenarios obviously represents the best result, while the other two will mean that further action is warranted.
Outcome # 1: The problem goes away!
Congratulations! You and your partner have successfully completed the first three steps aimed at solving your problem: You both agreed to behave in a rational and calm manner and didn't berate each other during the discussion (Step 1); you each specifically defined the actual problem and how you felt (Step 2); and you were able to negotiate a solution and then reach a compromise that enhanced the relationship (Step 3). Both of you can now walk away with a feeling of victory, since a fair decision was reached. Step 4 has now been accomplished - and the argument is over for good! You defined your needs and the desired outcome, and success is yours.
How do you know if the problem will ever rear its ugly head again? Ultimately, only time will tell whether it's truly gone forever. For example, if you ask your partner to spend more time with the children and this is done consistently, then everyone's a winner; if you ask for more romance and things consistently heat up in the bedroom, then the relationship has improved. Of course, the key determining factor here is the consistency of your partner's response. You should be able to assume that the offending behavior will never be repeated again - or if there's an occasional slip-up, it's quickly admitted to and corrected. It may not be reasonable in every case to expect that the problem will never, ever arise again, but you can take comfort in the fact that the overall pattern has been broken.
Outcome #2: The problem gets better for a while, but then it reappears.
Sadly enough, this is the category that most relationship issues end up in. You may have followed every step correctly - you defined the point of contention, the negotiation went smoothly, and the problem went away - but what do you do if your partner goes back on their word and falls into the old way of behaving?
You must quickly and aggressively jump on the issue again before it gets out of hand. If you don't respond, you'll be in violation of a major rule of problem solving: The longer you let a problem go unchecked, the harder it will be to eradicate it! This means that the very second a promise is broken, you should attempt to take immediate corrective action. This approach may sound extreme to you, and you may hear such protests as, "Hey, get off my back!" But your reply should be: "You're the one who broke your promise to abide by our original solution." Husband And Wife Communication
Now this doesn't necessarily mean that an issue can never be revisited or an updated plan be put into effect. Sometimes circumstances change - maybe your financial picture is different now and you need to adjust your original response to a conflict over money; perhaps because of a new job, your time situation has shifted and the household duties need to be split up differently. That's certainly okay, but you need to deal with it right away.
The bottom line here is that everyone has the tendency to fall back into familiar ruts and return to old, nonproductive ways of doing things. It's just human nature to try to sneak back to the way that feels comfortable and easy. But this shouldn't stop you from demanding that your partner absolutely follow the spirit of the original solution that you reached together.
Before we move on to the next outcome, I must address two other aspects of a broken promise. First, there are certain promises that can never, under any circumstances, be broken - not even once. Ask yourself, "What values do I hold so sacred that, if they're broken by my partner, will absolutely lead to the immediate dissolution of our relationship?"
Before you're backed into a comer during the heat of battle, sit down and decide which actions are "relationship-enders" versus those things that are harmful to the relationship but deserve another chance to be corrected. That way, you'll already have your answer during those critical times when you must decide whether to stay in the relationship or go. (Perhaps you have an absolute prohibition against divorce and believe that you should stay in a marriage - no matter how destructive it is - for "better or worse." If that's the case, you probably don't need to make this list, because your partner could do just about anything to you and you'll take it. I think that's a shame, but you may have a religious or moral belief that precludes you from moving on.)
As we proceed here, I'd like you to list what I call your "sacred needs" relating to each post's topic. I can't choose these for you - no one can define what you will and will not tolerate except you! As for me, if my wife cheated on me, spent all of our money without my permission, was physically abusive, or absolutely refused to get any professional help if we were struggling - these would certainly be relationship-enders for me - that is, they'd be a violation of my sacred needs. But my values and yours may be entirely different, so it's up to you to define your own limits.
Also keep in mind that there are many problems that fall in the "in-between" category - they won't necessarily cause you to end the relationship, but they must be immediately addressed. The question you should ask yourself is: "How many times can my partner make this mistake before there's a serious consequence?" For instance, let's say that your partner has the tendency to call you derogatory names during arguments, and you say that this is unacceptable. They agree to stop, yet keep doing it over and over again.
What's your limit - I more time, 2 more times... 36 more times? If this behavior isn't on your list of relationship-enders, how many screw-ups will you allow before serious action is taken? Think about how many times you'll forgive your partner for the same transgression if there's no serious attempt to stop. Then stick to your guns. To learn more, you can check out Husband And Wife Communication.
