At some point during the course of any intimate relationship, you're going to get mad. You're going to be so angry at the person you love that smoke comes out of your ears. Believe me, if you're capable of intense loving feelings toward your partner, then you're quite able to feel intense anger and rage for them, too. When you love someone, things matter much more, and your feelings can be hurt on a deeper level. This doesn't mean that you're an emotional wreck - it simply means that you're human, with unchecked human emotions.
With that said, let's identify the four main reasons why you fight. This is Step 2 in your quest for conflict resolution.
Argument #1: You Don't Give Me What I Want!
I'm going to assume that you're not a childish brat who can never be satisfied no matter how hard your partner tries; nor are you a doormat who's afraid to ask for anything. Chances are, you're probably somewhere in between, which means that you have certain reasonable needs that you'd like your partner to fulfill.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking for what you want. It isn't selfish, and it certainly doesn't mean you're a bad person. You deserve to have a partner who at least tries to satisfy you, even if it takes some effort and compromise. Problems spring from unmet expectations.
It may be helpful to look at the origin of these expectations, but that still won't change the fact that if you expect your partner to act in a certain way, you'll become quite angry when they fail to do so. The chain of events is simple to diagram:
You expect something from your partner -> they don't come through for you -> you get angry.
I know that this seems like a very basic concept that everyone should understand, but believe me, most people can't even identify, their own initial need, which starts the whole chain reaction. They just know that they aren't getting "something," so they end up feeling cheated or constantly disappointed by their partner. This in itself is enough to cause major conflicts and intensely angry moments. Of course, it works in reverse, too - sometimes you may not give your partner what they need.
Why do you feel angry when you don't get what you want? Wouldn't it make more sense to sit down and calmly tell your partner how frustrated you are? Of course it would, but that's not how human beings act at times. It's as if you have an internal switch that gets flipped, causing you to react in the only way you can: yelling in anger. Why Do Couples Argue
Unfortunately, by this point there's little likelihood that you're going to get what you want, since your partner will only hear the tone, and not the content, of your demand. This can be further shown in the next sequence in our angry chain reaction:
You get angry -> your partner reacts defensively and can't hear the content -> an argument ensues -> you have virtually no chance of getting what you want.
Finally, when your expectation goes unmet once more, you get upset again ... and the whole cycle repeats itself over and over. Many couples spend their entire relationship in this cycle, which usually results in the end of that union.
Can this scenario be avoided? The answer is a resounding yes, but first we must do a little work. Now if you're like a lot of people in relationships, you just expect things to be magically done for you without telling your partner exactly what you want. Well, I didn't marry a psychic, and in all likelihood, neither did you. What I mean is that your partner can't read your mind and automatically cater to all of your whims! I noted about this concept in a book, A Relationship for a Lifetime, but it's so important that it bears repeating: If you're not able to get exactly what you want in your relationship, then it's ultimately your fault! You can protest this all you want, but it's a fact. if you need something specific, then it's up to you to ask for it!
I once counseled a woman who was frequently angry with her husband because he didn't clean up the garage when he'd finished working in there. She admitted to me that she'd never actually told him her expectation - so how was he to know that she was offended?
There is a way to avoid this type of situation: Define what you want from your partner, and then communicate it. Your expectation may still go unmet, but at least you'll have given it a shot. (We'll talk about what to do if your partner refuses to change in a later post.) Why Do Couples Argue
At this point in the process, I'd like you to do the following, which I call the "How to get what I need" approach. This may be the most critical exercise that I ask you to do, so don't blow it off. You and your partner should both do the exercise and then share the results with each other.
Fill in the blanks of the following sentence:
I'd like my partner to ...... and ..... and i expect ......... and ..........
This can obviously cover a wide variety of subjects, and if there are hundreds of things you can think of, then you may need to write this sentence hundreds of times. I know that it may feel like l've asked you to stay after school and finish your homework, but this isn't punishment - it's a crucial step in getting what you want and deserve.
To make this exercise easier, I'll give you a tip on how to get started. Look at some topics I've selected for you (such as money, sex, family, and so forth) and systematically identify what you want in each of these areas. At this point, no expectation is too crazy to write down - you'll find out soon enough if your partner thinks that your needs are completely over the top!
For example, if you require sex three times a week, write it down, If you'd like to engage in a conversation every evening, then write it down. If you want to go out to dinner every Saturday night, write it down. If you'd prefer that your mate stop watching TV all the time and pay attention to you, write it down. I knew someone who expected her husband to give her a foot massage each night, and she told him so. I'm not sure if this would be my cup of tea, but her husband was fine with her request.
The bottom line was that she defined what she wanted, verbalized it, and got it. She had no further reason to be angry, so at least that part of their relationship flourished.
To sum up: Lessen your anger regarding unmet expectations by first defining the need and then asking for it.
You may be pleasantly surprised when your partner fulfills your desire, but nothing great is ever going to happen unless you take a chance and ask. Next post, we'll talk about argument 2. Before that, you can check out Why Do Couples Argue for more details.
