Jon's Side of the Story
At first, I was not sure I wanted Sue as my wife. The vision I had of her in bed with Greg made me sick to my stomach. But after I had a chance to think it over, I made a decision to do everything in my power to save our marriage.
At the time, I had no idea what that decision would cost me. And yet, in spite of all of the pain I've felt over the past two years, I would do it all over again for Sue. We both made mistakes and we had to pay for them. We ran the gauntlet and have come through it in love. We are much better people for it. I think our children will greatly benefit from the hard lessons we've learned.
When Sue finally invited me to come back to her, after Greg had left her for another woman, I was very bitter. She chose me because I was the only one left. Then, when I came back, she wouldn't even apologize. She blamed me for her affair. At the time I was ready to feed our new rules to the dog. I felt she owed me a lot and I expected her to welcome me with open arms. My friends thought I was crazy to take Sue back, and there were times that I thought they might be right.
But l had come this far, and l decided to give the rules a chance. My job was to keep my part of the bargain. Avoiding anger, disrespect, and demands was the hardest part. l bit my tongue so often l felt there would be none left.
Being with Sue was all it really took for me to redeposit all the love units that l had withdrawn from her Love Bank. Sue agreed to be with me at least fifteen hours every week, and that time together taught us how to become good friends again. She had always liked my company and our conversation, but l had taken that from her with my career choices. Once her love for me was restored, I knew I could never take it for granted again. How To Get Someone To Love You Back
I have finally learned how precious love is. The love Sue and I have for each other is what makes our marriage wonderful. If we didn't have it, I don't think we could survive marriage, in spite of how important it is for our children that we stay together. Now that we have learned how to be in love with each other, I don't think either of us will make the same mistakes again.
In spite of what Sue put me through, I trust her now. That's because I know she loves me and she has put me first in her life. But l also know that following the four rules is what really keeps our marriage safe. It's keeping those rules that makes our trust in each other possible.
The Four Rules of Marriage
The four rules that guided Sue and Jon to recovery also kept their marriage secure long after I saw them for the last time. Once more, I would like to review these rules that make a marriage so successful. The more difficult they are for you to follow, the more important they are for you to learn. That's because without them, you cannot have a fulfilling marriage. And without them, you will certainly fail in your effort to recover after an affair.
You and your spouse were both born with the ability to be angry, disrespectful, and selfish. These are normal traits that I call Love Busters because they destroy the feeling of love couples have for each other. But if you and your spouse follow the Rule of Protection, you avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness - you do whatever it takes to overcome these destructive tendencies. By eliminating Love Busters, you will not only be protecting your spouse, you will also be preserving your spouse's love for you.
One of the easiest ways to protect your spouse is to follow another rule - the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. By following this Policy you will be reminded that everything you do affects your spouse either positively or negatively, and by getting your spouse's enthusiastic agreement to what you do, you avoid behavior that will cause your spouse to be unhappy. The Policy will also encourage you to negotiate solutions to conflicts that are mutually acceptable, instead of solutions that are good for one and bad for the other. By making mutually acceptable choices, you will create a lifestyle that both of you enjoy.
You and your spouse fell in love with each other because you met each other's most important emotional needs, and the only way to stay in love is to keep meeting those needs. Even when the feeling of love begins to fade, or when it's gone entirely, it s not necessarily gone for good. It can be recovered whenever you go back to being an expert at depositing love units. How To Get Someone To Love You Back
To be an expert at meeting each other's most important needs, you must first know what your spouse's needs are, because they can change from time to time. Then, you must learn to meet those needs in a way that is fulfilling to your spouse, and enjoyable for you too.
The only way you can meet many of your spouse's important emotional needs is to give your spouse your undivided attention. And if you want it to be a reality instead of a hope, it must be a part of your schedule every week. I suggest that you
(a) spend time alone when you give each other your undivided attention;
(b) use the time to meet the emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment; and
(c) plan to schedule at least fifteen hours together each week.
When you were dating, you gave each other this kind of attention and you fell in love. When people have affairs, they also give each other this kind of time and attention to keep their love for each other alive. Why should courtship and affairs be the only times romantic love is created? Why can't it happen in marriage as well? It can. if you set aside time every week to give each other undivided attention.
Anything short of total honesty isn't honesty. Honesty means being honest with your spouse about your positive and negative emotional reactions, personal history (which includes your weaknesses and strengths), your present schedule, and your thoughts and plans about future activities and objectives. In other words, honesty means never leaving your spouse with false impressions about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future.
Self-imposed honesty with your spouse is essential to your marriage's safety and success. Honesty will not only bring you closer to each other emotionally, it will also prevent the creation of destructive habits that are kept secret from your spouse. The Rule of Honesty combined with the Policy of Joint Agreement are two guidelines that will help you create an open and integrated lifestyle, one that will guarantee your love for each other. To learn more, you can check out How To Get Someone To Love You Back.
