Problem #5: Money As Power
In a relationship full of sharing and fairness, it won't really matter who brings home the most money; but in a relationship filled with greed and envy, money will probably be used as the ultimate leverage to manipulate situations in a certain way.
I've known people who will withhold money if their partner doesn't do exactly what they want. It's an unspoken way of saying, "I'll let you in on the money if you give me something in return." In fact, I know of a woman who stayed in a loveless marriage for years and got bossed around by a controlling husband, but, hey, she got to drive a Mercedes and go on extravagant shopping sprees if she did exactly what he demanded.
Would you trade emotional happiness for material possessions? A lot of folks do, but I doubt that deep down inside they truly feel good about themselves.
At some point you may find yourself dealing with a partner who will use money to gain power. Not only is this completely unfair, but it will ultimately create an imbalance in the relationship. The most obvious illustration of this concept is when one partner makes a lot more money than their partner. It used to be the man who was the primary breadwinner, but more and more, that dynamic is being reversed. A good friend of mine makes more than her husband does, but they've managed to keep things equal on an emotional level. Another couple divorced because the husband made more and rubbed it in the face of his wife every time they disagreed about anything.
What makes these two couples different? Well, the successful couple followed the solution below. How To Make Marriage Better
Solution #5
You and your partner need to completely agree on the importance of money in your relationship: If you're in disagreement about another subject (such as children, sex, or housework), money must never be brought into the equation as a form of leverage. You never want to hear the following statement from your partner: "I won't give you any more money if you don't do what I say!" You can't allow yourself to be held hostage by a partner who exerts power through finances.
In a committed relationship, money should go into one account and be shared equally - both partners need to have the same access to it. Relationships in which the mode of operation is: "You have your money and I have mine" have a greater chance of failing. In my view, it doesn't matter if one partner makes 100 percent of the money - both of you are a team. There are many contributions to any relationship that cannot be measured in dollars and cents. Agree on this principle.
The partner making the most money doesn't get to make all the life decisions! So many couples make this mistake - the earner decides everything because the other person feels dependent and subservient. Eventually the one taking orders will become jealous, angry, and resentful and may exert power in other destructive ways. If you're the one making less than your partner, it's really okay. If you need to catch up monetarily, then do something to further your career. Also, let go of any envy you feel toward your partner, and focus on the things you can do.
You now have practical solutions that will help you handle financial roadblocks. These problems don't have to destroy your relationship if you both agree to talk about them often. I truly hope that someday you'll also come to define richness without ever using the word money ... other aspects of your relationship will seem much more important when you look back many years from now. How To Make Marriage Better
Sex
Sex is a very touchy subject for most of us to talk about (no pun intended). We tend to expect romance to just magically occur without any discussion, believing on some level that our partner should just intuit what we prefer in the bedroom. Sometimes sex is great and seems effortless, but we can often end up feeling unfulfilled and disappointed.
Many times in my career I've made the following point: Sex is certainly important in relationships, but it's not the only thing that will determine your happiness - nor can it define your relationship over a long period of time.
Having said that, I do want to note that a satisfying sex life will enhance your bond and increase your relationship's chance of success. A couple who has great sex will be more connected and treat each other in a more loving way. The thing to remember is that intimacy - which includes many behaviors that go beyond the actual act of sexual intercourse - counts. Hugging, kissing, hand-holding, and exchanging love notes are all forms of intimate behavior that should be present in a healthy relationship.
In the next few posts, it's my intention to offer up solutions to several major issues that impact intimate relationships. I've been talking about sexual topics in the media for more than a decade now, so I have a pretty good foundation of knowledge on the subject. I don't intend to offend you with graphic details, but a discussion like this needs to be frank. And if you're struggling with any of the following problems, I hope that you'll open up a line of dialogue with your partner - who will only know that something's wrong if you speak up.
Before we get started, I'd like to warn you not to fall into the trap of talking about sex only when you're in your bedroom or during the throes of passion. This is a bad idea, since the conversation will inevitably take on an emotional tone when you need complete objectivity. (Of course, it's all right to guide your partner during sex by telling them that something feels good, but don't initiate a discussion on serious sexual problems at this point.) Compatible couples talk about their needs outside of the bedroom - that is, they pick a quiet time and place, sit face-to-face with each other, and try to solve the issues in a reasonable way. It's sometimes awkward, but you must set any sense of embarrassment aside and talk about what you really want.
Let's look at some sexual problems that can make you feel very dissatisfied in the next post. At mean time, you can check out How To Make Marriage Better for more details.
