Argument #2: You Don't Listen to Me!
Many researchers over the years have asked women to state their biggest complaint about men, It probably won't surprise you to learn that one of the most popular has been: "He never hears what I say." Even I, a professional who gets paid to listen to people, am often accused of "selective hearing" by my wife. I have to admit that sometimes I hear what she says, but it just doesn't register until I've been told for the third time. But trust me, she persists until I know what she needs. That's all right with me - it's our little rhythm and we both know it.
It's certainly not fun to be ignored by your partner, especially when it's something that you really feel strongly about. This reminds me of a woman I once treated named Linda. She complained to me for months that her husband, Jim, never responded to any of her requests. Linda claimed that his behavior often made her quite angry, and when she'd yell at him, he'd accuse her of being mean-spirited and rude. I found it hard to believe that he never tried to respond to her wishes, so I suggested that she bring him in to one of our sessions.
What I noticed very quickly was that Linda was right - even in an environment where it was acceptable to say anything, Jim said nothing. I'd ask him to rephrase what Linda had just expressed, and most of the time he had no idea and acted as if he could have cared less. It was not only infuriating to Linda, but to me as well. I correctly predicted that their marriage would collapse because Jim showed zero respect for his wife's needs. He didn't care to listen if it involved any amount of work on his part.
This, of course, is an extreme case, but there are varying degrees of not being heard - and it all puts a huge strain on the relationship. For instance, I'm sure that you've had the experience of your partner looking you right in the eye, acknowledging what you said, and then proceeding to engage in the exact opposite behavior. It's as if you said: "Please pick your clothes up off the floor," and they heard: "Please throw all of your clothes on the floor so I can pick them up." That's enough to unhinge anyone. How To Communicate With Husband
I ultimately can't tell you why your partner won't listen to your needs. There are any number of reasons why this happens: Perhaps you're involved with a passive aggressive person, and on some level they like to upset you; maybe your partner never likes to be told "what to do"; or it's possible that the person you love couldn't care less about developing communication skills and does their own thing at your expense. Whatever the reason, the outcome is certain: When you feel ignored, your feelings get hurt and you're more likely to lash out with anger. Your partner's attempt to avoid a conflict (by not responding) causes another argument in itself.
It's key to tell your partner that their habit of not listening will only lead to increased relationship tension between the two of you. It's one thing to disagree on a particular issue if both people are at least talking, but it's quite another to feel as if you're talking to a brick wall.
So how can you increase the odds that your complaints will actually be taken seriously? Remember this next concept and your luck may change: It's all in the presentation. You've got to deliver your message properly or the content will just get lost in the shuffle.
To that end, I'm now going to present some communication techniques that should really work - so your partner will actually stop watching TV long enough to hear what you say.
The Straightforward Approach
Tell your partner: "Look, this issue is really important to me, so I'd just like a few moments to discuss it with you.
I promise not to yell at you - I just want to talk." Hopefully, this will grab them long enough so that you can tell them what you need. However, it may not, so let's go on to the next tactic, which is a little more forceful.
The Feelings Approach
Say: "When you walk away or ignore me, it really hurts my feelings. Even if you don't agree with me, I wish that you'd at least respect my right to express myself." How To Communicate With Husband
If you're still not heard, then you have a choice to make. If the issue doesn't warrant immediate attention, you may want to try again later and hope for the best. If it has to be examined right now, then you'd better pull out your full ammunition and demand to be heard.
The Demanding Approach
Assertively state: "You can choose to walk away, but this issue is going to have to be dealt with at some point in the very near future. If you won't at least try to hear me, then your actions could have serious long-term consequences for our relationship."
Notice that none of the above approaches involves yelling or screaming, which simply won't work if you truly want to be heard. You must get your partner to focus on the content of your request rather than causing them to react defensively to your angry tone. Think of these techniques as a little lesson in Communication 101 and you should see some positive results.
You certainly deserve a partner who will at least make an attempt to consider your feelings, because it shows basic respect and indicates a willingness to work together. If this isn't the case, you'll probably need to deal with the next point. Before that, you can check out How To Communicate With Husband for more details.
