Outcome #3: Your partner ignores your needs and makes no attempt to really solve the problem.
Some people think that nothing is ever their fault and assign the blame for their problems on everyone else. This is narcissism in its purest form, and it makes for terrible, destructive relationships that will never reach their full potential. Not only will a partner like this wreck your self-esteem, they'll also even eventually tear apart any sense of a good relationship.
The most obvious manifestation of this poor coping skill is denial that the relationship is in trouble. I've known people who simply refused to modify their behavior - even when their partner is practically begging for their cooperation. So you need to ask yourself, "What will I do if my partner ignores my needs and does nothing to work out our problems?"
There are two different ways in which your partner may ignore a troubling situation that simply must be addressed. First, you may be met with a string of "I'll get to it" responses. No matter how much you ask for some action, nothing productive occurs. Your partner just keeps on doing the same thing without regard to your feelings.
Second, if your problems have gotten so bad that you need some professional help, your partner may absolutely refuse to see someone with you, insisting that you have to figure it out on your own. On my radio show, l've heard several stories about men who just won't go to any sort of therapy even if they cheat on, or are physically abusive to, their wives. They'll say "We don't have any problems!" and then will continue to repeat the same destructive behaviors. These guys have no motivation whatsoever to change in any meaningful way. Tips To Successful Marriage
So let's go back to my original question: What will you do if your partner doesn't care enough to alter a certain behavior? This is critical now, because the ball is actually in your court. Once you know that your partner refuses to discuss certain issues, won't act on any reasonable suggestions, or won't listen to you, there's a decision to be made - by you. What will your next step be? Here are your nonproductive options:
- Do nothing, drop the subject, and be miserable.
- Make idle threats such as, "I'm going to leave you this time!" or "You better shape up or else!" and then stay in the relationship and act as if nothing has happened.
- Complain to anyone who will listen that your partner is mean and disrespectful. A lot of us engage in this little exercise in futility - it accomplishes nothing, but we get a lot of sympathy. Again, your partner will have little incentive to really look at the problem seriously.
First, ask yourself if you're willing to leave the relationship over the conflict or your partner's refusal to change. If the answer to this question is yes, then there's only one option for you. It's time to draw a line in the sand and say, "This is all I'm willing to take, and if things don't change now, I need to leave this relationship." Memorize this line, because someday you may need to say it, exactly as written. But here's the catch - if you do say this to your partner, then you better mean it. It's the only leverage you'll have, so you can't afford to back down and get walked over again.
I know that taking a stand like this is incredibly hard to do, since most of us don't want our relationships to fail. I've heard the following argument countless times: "But I love him (or her)!" I'd like to point out that your most loving gestures should be to yourself first. How is someone showing you love if they won't even try to find solutions to problems or listen to your feelings? That's not love - it's selfishness. Tips To Successful Marriage
It's time to take charge of your life. I challenge you to finally ask yourself this tough question: "How much pain and sadness will I endure just to be in a relationship?" I hope that you have the strength to stand up for your beliefs; and the courage to move on if all avenues of decency, respect, and kindness have been closed in your relationship. After all, your life shouldn't be filled with problems that just won't go away. You can do better.
Congratulations on completing the first part and learning the mechanics of how to solve virtually any relationship problem! I hope that you'll apply these general principles to every conflict that arises in your love relationships. If you need to, reread the material up to this point and get a firm grasp on the four steps to conflict resolution. Believe it or not, yelling and screaming at each other is the easy thing to do - making a sincere attempt to change things is a lot harder.
I don't know if there's one secret to making a love relationship stand the test of time, but I do know this - your search for peace and harmony must begin with the courage to do something different if what you're currently doing isn't making you happy. Remember this truth: If something isn't working for you, you must put forth the effort to change it! It simply won't change by itself, problem solving takes energy, but that effort can pay off in huge dividends.
With that said, let's now begin the process of systematically tackling the major relationship problems that can challenge us all. Each post from here on will focus on a particular problem area, and outline real solutions that can truly work for you and your partner. Your love, marital, or dating relationship will then be the true winner. To learn more, you can check out Tips To Successful Marriage.
