Principle #3: You'll have more success by focusing on one issue at a time.
One of my biggest challenges during couples therapy is to keep the two people from veering off into too many directions at once. It's nearly impossible to analyze more than one major issue at a time, which is why problem solving often fails miserably. Recently my wife and I started to discuss some money-management issues, and before we knew it, we ended the conversation by debating the amount of time we spend together. We caught our mistake and got back to the topic of money, but it did take some effort.
Make a commitment to actively focus on one thing at a time. I know it sounds difficult, but the payoff will be well worth the extra effort. Be aware, though, that your partner may try to derail the discussion by veering onto another topic if things start to get heated - it's a sneaky little tactic to shift the conversation when things aren't going so well. So every time you catch your partner avoiding the topic at hand, say, "Let's continue to deal with ___ now and get to ___ [the other issue] later."
Principle #4: Set the right stage for the discussion and negotiation of the problem.
There's a correct time and place to work on your problems. Let's deal with place first.
I can't tell you the exact room of your house that will work best for you, but a good rule of thumb is that it should be a location that's both quiet and comfortable - maybe it's your kitchen table or your den ... it just shouldn't be in public or at a friend's home. Major discussions deserve to be held in a consistent, appropriate location. Forgetting to set the scene is a crucial blunder made by a lot of couples, so put some thought into this. The right time for the negotiation is just as important as place. I believe that there are three important considerations in this area: How To Communicate With Your Husband
First, you must (and I can't stress the word must enough) point out a problem the very first time it arises. You'll have more leverage if you don't allow something to snowball into a pattern of behavior. Many people finally put their foot down when their partner has made a major mistake for about the 32nd time, but by then it's simply too late. The reality is this: The longer you allow your partner to get away with unacceptable behavior, the harder it will be to have any power to get them to stop. If you hold your tongue and just hope that your partner will change on their own, don't complain that you never get what you need.
Second, make sure that you have enough time available to thoroughly discuss the problem. Some of my patients will bring up an extremely important issue right before our time is up for the session and then get angry when I say that we have to stop. The same principle applies to your relationship: If you and your partner begin to argue just as you're leaving for work or getting ready to go out, then the discussion will be nonproductive. Alternately, if you put off the issue too long, you run the risk that the problem will never be solved. So set aside an appropriate length of time for a face-to-face meeting (notice that a phone conversation is generally not intimate enough).
Third, when you and your partner have been sitting there for hours still hammering away without a compromise, it may be time to call it quits for the time being and readdress the problem again later. When you both get tired and start to go 'round and 'round. it's acceptable to say, "How about if we agree to disagree for now and pick up our discussion later when we're both fresh?"
Principle #5: Say "I'm sorry" if you act in a disrespectful or hurtful way toward your partner.
This one is short and sweet. You're not perfect - once in a while you may unintentionally (or intentionally) hurt your partner's feelings. You may say mean-spirited things in the heat of the moment that you immediately regret - so swallow your pride, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. By the same token, you should also expect an "I'm sorry" from your partner if your feelings were hurt by disrespectful behavior. How To Communicate With Your Husband
I know there's a chance that you had parents who abused each other and became overwhelmed by relationship problems, and I'll bet that they rarely said they were sorry for their actions. So be different - become truly free in your relationship by admitting that you were wrong. Really value your partner, and don't let your relationship have an unhappy ending.
You're now armed with some very important negotiating and compromising skills to use in any disagreement; and by utilizing these techniques, you'll have much greater success in solving difficult relationship problems.
But I also know that sometimes you and your partner will reach an impasse. If the first attempt to reach a solution is unsuccessful, then what? What will you do if things don't significantly change? In the next post, I'll teach you how to determine whether the problem is really gone, or conversely, what to do if your partner doesn't listen and breaks promises. This will be Step 4 in handling relationship conflicts. Before that, you can check out How To Communicate With Your Husband for more details.
