One of the questions I'm asked most frequently in interviews is: "What's the most important skill for a couple to develop to ensure a great relationship?" I always answer in the same way: 'The ability to rationally negotiate through a problem and then reach a fair compromise that both people can accept."
As I said in the last post, negotiation and compromise form the grunt work of a relationship - there's nothing romantic about it. But this is Step 3 in solving relationship problems, and it simply cannot be overlooked ... or it will lead to bigger problems down the road.
You'll probably never experience the pressure of negotiating a multimillion-dollar merger or a hostage situation, but you'll certainly feel the strain of a relationship on the brink of collapse if you don't try to perfect these important skills. So let's first define the terms and then see how they actually play out over the course of a relationship.
What Is a Negotiation?
The best way I can illustrate a negotiation is to break it down like this:
You and your partner have a problem -> you find a way to solve it -> your problem is resolved.
This is a pretty simple schematic, but it works. Negotiation is actually a rather broad term, since it can lead to a really bad outcome for one side, a really good outcome for one side, or a fair resolution for both. It could encompass a screaming match, silence, or a rational discussion of your problem - it's merely the process you and your partner utilize, whether productive for, or destructive to, the relationship. (But if you do use destructive tactics and you don't seek to modify them, you're going to end up having an attorney negotiate your divorce settlement.)
Most of the time you probably don't even notice when you negotiate with your partner. My goal in this section is to at least make you aware of the fact that most of your relationship behaviors are some type of a negotiation. Communication With Husband
For instance, if your partner yells, "Shut up!" and you scream back, "I'II talk whenever I want!" you've just negotiated the frequency of your communication. If your partner makes a nasty remark about the dinner you just cooked and you start to cry and leave the room, you've negotiated a settlement for yourself that it's better to break down instead of face criticism. Neither of these negotiations will lead to productive solutions, but they're both negotiations nevertheless.
Negotiation also comes in handy when you and your partner want or need different things: He wants to vacation on the beach; you want to go skiing in the mountains. She wants a big family of eight children; you want to remain childless. He wants to go out with friends after work every night; you want to stay home. You get the picture.
The key point for you to remember is that a negotiation goes much more smoothly when both parties can sit down and talk in a calm and reasonable manner. Here are a few examples of poor negotiation tactics:
- Playing hardball in order to absolutely have it your own way, without regard to your partner's feelings
- Yelling and screaming
- Storming out of the room when things get heated, or avoiding the issue altogether
- Refusing to listen to your partner's point of view
So the next time you and your mate have a disagreement, really listen to what they have to say, and then seek to understand their motives (no matter how crazy they may seem). Only then can you make the following statement, which is the hallmark of a good negotiator: "I really want to understand where you're coming from. Here's how I feel about ____ [the issue at hand]."
After you've shared with your partner, back off and listen to their response. Hopefully you have a partner who's also invested in a good negotiation, so there can be a satisfactory conclusion to the problem. Negotiation and compromise must be a two-way street - if one partner chooses not to play, then the relationship will suffer. Communication With Husband
What Is a Compromise?
The word compromise should become the single most important word in your relationship vocabulary. I've personally known couples who had a lot in common, a great sex life, and undying love for each other ... but a complete inability to compromise. Consequently, the relationship fell apart.
Here's the difference between negotiation and compromise: Negotiation is the actual process of trying to figure out a solution to your relationship problem, and compromise is that solution. In other words, negotiating (talking) has to be done because you have a certain need that doesn't agree with your partner's different need. In the best-case scenario, a solution is reached in which you both give up something yet enter into a situation that's best for the relationship in general. This is the beauty of a compromise - both partners work as a team to claim the real victory, and the relationship subsequently prospers.
Now you may be thinking that a compromise is then defined as a 50-50 split on every decision. But in practical terms, it just isn't possible to always do it 50 percent your way and 50 percent your partner's way. For example, on weekends my wife, Betsy, and I have very different agendas - I want to watch sports, and she wants to run errands or go shopping with me. This one is easy - the 50-percent split actually works well here - because for half the day I get to do what I want, and for the other half of the day we do what she wants. An even compromise is struck.
But in another problem area, the percentage has to be modified. You see, Betsy usually drives many more miles on a daily basis than I do, so during bad weather she really needs a larger and safer vehicle. This means that I then get stuck driving a smaller car, which I don't like or enjoy, but I do it for her safety. So in this case, there really is no even compromise - I give in, and it's 100 percent her way and zero percent my way.
This example nicely illustrates one of the main points regarding a good compromise - that is, sometimes you'll have to completely give in and not get your way at all. But this is still a compromise because there's a give-and-take.
Perhaps on another issue down the road I'll get to have it all my way and my wife will make a compromise for me.
I'm thinking that I'll never have to do any housework ever again and that she'll completely agree with me on this one (just kidding!). That's one compromise that won't happen in my lifetime, but I can always hope ....
Before I summarize the principles of a good compromise, please allow me to digress just briefly because this is really important. The reality is this - you're not a child anymore; therefore, you can't expect your partner to cater to your every whim. Children throw tantrums and pout when they don't get their way - adults need to face the fact that we can't always get what they want.
So one of the first compromises you must make with yourself is the following (and say this out loud so it really sinks in): I can't always have my way. Sometimes I'll have to give in even if l think I'm right. I'll try to do my fair share in the relationship to make it successful, and I won't be lazy and expect my partner to do all of the work.
If you're able to make and follow this internal compromise with yourself, then you'll head off many potential problems at the pass. Now let's outline several principles that you can follow when negotiating a compromise that will work for you both. Before that, you can check out Communication With Husband for more details.
