Chances Of Getting Back Together After Separation - Love Is a Work in Progress

Chances Of Getting Back Together After Separation 

Love Is a Work in Progress

In the classic book, The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck writes about enduring love. Peck speaks of the mature discipline and quiet care required to make a long-term commitment thrive. In this view, love becomes an action verb. Active loving can involve the simplest of things - I'll-make-your-bed-for-you, let-me-give-you-a-hug-when-you-are-down, and let's-make-love-even-with-our-wrinkles moments. 

Long-term love is an action - not just a physical chemistry or a short-term feeling of falling. It can be romantic and passionate, but it is so much more than that. It is a work in progress, much like a beautiful work of art that takes months or even years to create. 

When a painter is laying colors on the canvas day after day, mixing paints on a palette, scratching and rubbing the surface, and adding more layers, sometimes the canvas looks downright awful - maybe even like a mistake. Nevertheless, after perseverance, the hidden tones start to shine through, the richness and depth affect the surface, and the beauty and complexity evolve.

Are You Undermining Your Commitment? 

Commitment is a major and complex undertaking. It requires awareness of our motivations, needs, desires, and capabilities. In essence, it requires great maturity. Some people are able to embrace their relationship and all its commitments wholeheartedly. They never look back or question their personal choice. Their commitment is solid, a given. Chances Of Getting Back Together After Separation

For others, the requirements of commitment to another person and to a long-term relationship are less conscious or steadfast. Some people may not have considered all the ramifications of making such a choice, yet they find themselves in love and having made a commitment. Some people want to give up when times are tough. Others threaten to walk out to get their partner's attention. Some have worked hard to create a good relationship but get no cooperation from their partner; only at that point do they decide it is time to leave.

There are five basic behaviors that frequently undermine commitment: 

• Making a commitment too soon in the relationship
• Abandoning oneself and consequently resenting one's partner
• Not living in alignment with one's values, goals, and priorities
• "Crying wolf" by threatening to leave or divorce
• Wanting to give up before one has tried everything possible to make the relationship successful

Let's take a look at each of these behaviors to see how it can chip away your commitment to your partner.

Commitment Too Soon Creates a Weak Relationship 

We have all heard stories of people who fall madly in love and decide to make a commitment to each other - to become engaged or get married - not long after their first date. In a number of these situations, the outcome is a long and happy relationship. Usually the two people are mature, know what they want in a mate, and are realistic about what it will take to create a relationship once they are committed.

Many other times, the outcome is not so positive. Sometimes a couple is too young. Jennifer and Jim are a case in point. Jennifer came to counseling while their divorce was being finalized. She wanted to avoid the pitfalls she and Jim had experienced in their young and short marriage. As Jennifer explained,

Jim and I were just too young. We had no idea what marriage would require. All we knew was that we were head over heels for each other. At seventeen, you may think you are grown up, but there is so much to learn about life. Sadly to say, the marriage only lasted a year and a half. My parents were good about not saying, "I told you so."
 
As we spoke, Jennifer assessed that she and Jim had held a combination of Traditional and Merged styles when they got together. Over time, she wanted to develop her individual interests by going to school and working. Her need for personal development was threatening to Jim, who liked her being at home for him. He criticized her every action. Chances Of Getting Back Together After Separation

At the time, Jennifer did not know quite what was wrong, but when she heard about Relighting Romance, she decided that this is the relationship style she will seek in her future. In the meantime, she's finishing her education and developing her personal interests, so that when the time is right, she will choose a mate more carefully.

Other times, a hasty commitment comes out of neediness. Carla remarked,  

I was on the rebound. I thought I had healed from my first marriage, which ended in a fairly amicable divorce after four years and no kids; however, I should have taken more time to soul search. I just blamed Matt for our divorce and never stopped to look at my own shortcomings. As a result, I was pretty needy for affection and someone to lean on. These qualities didn't help ether of my two marriages.

 
Very often people fall in love with a terrific person, but forget they are taking on an entire package of life experiences and extended family, Sometimes they may not understand the challenges that come with addictions or a history of dysfunction of any sort. Said Dan,  

I thought she was the perfect person for me. She was gorgeous, fun loving, and ready to party. I'd never been married and was waiting for "Miss Right" to knock my socks off. Well, she did, all right. I just had no idea that everything about her past, as well as her behavior with me, should have been a red flag. 

She was a great gal, but she had troubles with alcohol, two kids from two different fathers, and was rarely employed for more than six months. She always wanted to go to the casino for entertainment and lost a lot of money. What was I thinking? I guess it was chemistry and a certain kind of love - but not the marrying kind of love!
 
Not all relationships can succeed. Sometimes the stressors are too great and the couple too ill-equipped. It takes solid maturity, an awareness of the long-term requirements of a relationship, education about the characteristics of a good mate, and a willingness to continuously work together to create a relationship and make it last.

If you are interested to learn how to get back your ex, you can get Chances Of Getting Back Together After Separation online and learn the tricks right away!

How To Get A Relationship Back Together - Phases Of Relating

How To Get A Relationship Back Together 

Commitment Through the Many Phases of Relating 

One of the delights of life is that people change. They grow and naturally evolve through the appropriate developmental stages of their teens, twenties, thirties, forties, and for some, all the way through their nineties. Any enduring, intimate relationship needs to evolve over time to keep it vital and fresh. For all couples, each new phase can be like a new "relationship within a relationship," from the honeymoon to the empty nest and the creativity of later life. Each developmental phase poses a challenge to your commitment to each other and to your relationship.
 
The following sampling of couples across the lifespan represent changes you may experience as you move through many life stages together. Such transitions may be desired and exciting, but they are stressful nonetheless.

Their commitment to each other and their relationship became an anchor for each of these couples during times of transition and change. It can become an anchor for you.

Jorge, twenty-three and married six months to Martin, is headed into law school this fall. As Jorge has taken on the commitments of marriage, partnering, and law school, he's not as happy-go-lucky as he was during their courtship. Martina, his twenty-two-year-old bride, noted how much he was changing, almost overnight:

He's given up going out and drinking with the boys on weekends. He's much more concerned about getting our new house and finances in order so he can study this fall. He's even treating me differently - mainly for the better. I like the changes, but my head is spinning. He's not the light-hearted guy I met two years ago. He's talking to me like a real adult all of a sudden - sharing his plans and dreams about school and his future. He keeps asking me how I feel about everything, and what I need while he's studying so hard. I guess I'd better start figuring this out so we can work together on it, instead of just feeling nervous, or left out.

 
Retirement is another big change. Beth was concerned about her fifty-nine years old husband, Marvin, to whom she's been married for nearly thirty years:

Marvin's getting near retirement, and his company may even offer him early severance just to ease their workforce. I think he's afraid and doesn't know what he's going to do. He's become quiet and withdrawn these last six months. How To Get A Relationship Back Together

We try to talk about it, but it's difficult. One hopeful thing - he said he was thinking of taking some carpentry classes at the vocational school nearby starting in a month, He's always been a great carpenter, and we both know plenty of people who need handyman services. He deserves to slow down and do something he'd really enjoy. And, I'd love for us to get an RV to go on road trips around the country!
 
Liz and Herbert represent another life stage. Liz, widowed for twelve years, is a sparkly seventy-nine years old with lovely white hair. She loves to ballroom dance and has become deeply involved with Herbert, eight years her junior and also widowed. Right now they have no issues, no history or baggage. They play and learned about partnering to keep it that way. They talked about marriage, and Liz was considering the changes she'll be facing if she accepts:

You know, when I was younger I would have been much more cautious. But one never knows how much time they've got left. My attraction to Herbert is very different than with my hushand. But then, we raised a family, grew a business, and made a full life, until Sam died of a heart attack at sixty-eight - so young. It took me almost five years to get my life reoriented, and now I have.

Dancing has been great exercise, a social outlet, and then there is Herbert! So many men my age are "old," and I'm not! He's able to keep up with me. I think he's a keeper!
 
Liz and Herbert looked at each other fondly - then Herbert spoke up: 

I think she's a keeper, too. We have such a good time together. We could just both go on living alone and doing our separate lives, but we think it might be more fun to do the next phase together! I think her kids and mine are having an eye-opening experience as they see us so happy, but they are becoming quite supportive.
 
Like people, relationships need to change. Both internal factors and external circumstances cause changes in an individual or relationship. Often relationships change because of things a couple is trying to accomplish during a particular stage of life. Ellen, thirty-four, is less concerned about her deeply engaging career these days. She and Mike, married five years, are trying to get pregnant. They'd like to have two children before she turns forty. Here's what Mike was thinking about: How To Get A Relationship Back Together

Now that my career is finally stabilized and I'm making a good income, we figure we'd better get going on the baby thing or it may be too late. I had a hard time thinking about it until I landed this good job and finally felt successful - like all men are supposed to feel. I know it's kind of stupid in this liberal day and age, but feeling successful as a man is still important.

We both enjoy our careers, but Ellen feels she can always reenter the work force full-time later on. Women in their forties and fifties - and even sixties - are having blossoming careers in this day and age! Especially now that everyone is living so long.

Ellen added,  

And men are more likely to want to work in the garden or play with the grandchildren when they get older. I'm actually looking forward to that time. But first, I guess we have to have the babies!
 
Some change is thrust upon us. Peg and Jim, married fourteen years, in their early- to mid-forties with two preadolescent, sports-minded sons, were suddenly taking care of two generations: their children and Peg's parents, who were in their eighties and struggling:

Dad's Alzheimer's has become so much worse that Morn can't care for him anymore. She's getting tired, so we have recently found a home that will accommodate both their needs - Dad's in an apartment with twenty-four hour care, and Mom's in her own apartment nearby. We are trying to take turns visiting at least three to four times a week. It's a handful with the boys' baseball, hockey, and other activities.

 
Expressing the Relighting Romance they value, Jim added,  

Yeah, sometimes we feel a bit squeezed in the middle, but I don't think we'd choose to do it any other way. We just have to make sure we have time for each other, or our relationship will suffer.
 
Sometimes change is exciting, and sometimes it is scary because of the unknown. Either way, without change, we grow bored. A strong commitment to each other and to your relationship - and a conscious recommitment whenever you are going through a major change - will help the two of you trust each other and the rock-solid stability of your partnering. Commitment prepares and equips you for the dreams and fun things you can create as well as for the challenges that life is sure to bring. 

To quickly learn how to handle relationship, you can get How To Get A Relationship Back Together online right now and follow the steps inside. You'll be back on track in no time!

Fastest Way Get Back Your Love - What Is Commitment In Relationship

Fastest Way Get Back Your Love 

What Do We Mean by Commitment?

A commitment is a pledge, promise, oath, vow, or agreement given in trust. In a relationship, it is typically a promise of loyalty, fidelity, faithfulness, compassion, and companionship. Commitment to a relationship before marriage or without a ceremony is a private affirmation of the love, harmony, bond, understanding, and desire two people have to build a relationship together. When two people marry, the commitment becomes a public vow, a promise made in the presence of family and friends, sanctioned by God or the state, to create a life together "till death do us part."

Formal Commitment

There are times to make a formal commitment - or recommitment - to each other, to your relationship, and to the Relighting Romance future you are building. In the next few blog posts exercises , you will both have an opportunity to reflect on and make a conscious statement or reaffirmation of your commitment. You may have already done this through an engagement, a marriage, a commitment ceremony, or a renewal of your vows. Even so, take the opportunity this week to make or reinforce that vow. It is a promise to you and to each other. 

Daily Commitment
 
Another way of showing your commitment is through your daily interactions. Commitment is implied in every action, agreement, and communication as you build your Relighting Romance universe, where two whole individuals work to satisfy both individual and mutual needs, desires, and goals. You will become aware of how ongoing dedication is integral to everything you do.

As you develop a strong consciousness of this step of the program, you will notice that your steadfastness is naturally reaffirmed through your everyday interactions and behaviors.

Challenges to Our Commitments

Some years ago, National Public Television aired a series of interviews with couples that had been together for forty, fifty, or sixty years. In this documentary, each couple related the trials and delights of their long marriage.
They talked about their various stages, events, and memories. Some were humorous and playful as they spoke. Others poignantly revealed touches of old pain. Fastest Way Get Back Your Love

One couple almost grudgingly talked of staying together out of convenience and necessity. Others revealed a rich companionship, friendship, and appreciation - a deep and enduring love - that had grown out of the life they had created together.

In this documentary, all of the couples had married and committed at a time when commitment was a strong societal value and expectation. Most of them did not question their vows, and if they did, it was not until they were much older and divorce was more prevalent. When these couples were young, most people expected to marry and raise children. 

Couples came together not only for love but also for survival and security; for them, economic stability and raising good, healthy children were very important. They wanted happiness, but they did not always expect it as the primary value or priority. Those married prior to the 1960s generally had a long-term vision of being together and did not consider divorce if they struggled for a time.

If we look at the divorce rate as well as the number of cohabitants who break up today, it is apparent that neither a personal nor a public declaration of commitment is enough to hold many relationships together. Almost 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, and 56 percent of cohabitants eventually separate.

Today the motivations for marriage, or for any romantic commitment, are much more varied. Happiness, compatibility, and fulfillment of mutual wants and desires are high on the list of expectations. So when these factors are unfulfilled due to challenges of long-term relating and everyday life, commitment to the relationship is often challenged as well. If people aren't happy for a time - for any reason, large or small - they often question the entire relationship.

Long-term relationships require steady nurturance, continuous affirmation, and commitment. It is joyful to be committed during the honeymoon and the smooth periods of a relationship. However, in any long-term relationship our devotion is challenged at various times. It may be challenged by an event as disruptive and painful as an affair, by the pressures of children or two careers, or even by boredom. Factors such as financial stress, moving, poor health, demanding schedules, or in-laws and extended family may also challenge your commitment. Fastest Way Get Back Your Love

One couple I've worked with on and off since they were dating has had a relationship filled with many joys and just as many stresses. Together for almost nine years and married for six years, Donna and David experienced the joys of falling passionately in love and sharing a strong sense of life purpose that included being together and creating a thriving relationship and family.

Together they had also built a successful business that allowed Donna time with her young sons and David the excitement of training leaders throughout the world. Donna and their two beautiful preschool-aged sons often travel with David to foreign countries where they meet interesting people. In their early forties, both Donna and David share conscious aspirations to do good work and impact the world with their inspiring message, as well as through philanthropy and volunteering, as they. grow older.

On the other hand, Donna and David have also navigated the murky waters of premarital infidelity and alcohol addiction. In the early stages of building their business, they suffered bankruptcy, the consequences of which they still feel in minor ways. During this same time, Donna suffered the illness and subsequent death of her sister from cancer. She also experienced post-partum depression following each of her son's births. 

David is high energy and demanding. He gets angry, when Donna is not "at the top of her game" along with him. David's work is exciting, but it takes him away from home nearly half of each month. At times, Donna must pack up the family to accompany him on the business trips while their sons are still young and not in school.

Donna and David have been consciously committed to partnering since their dating years. Neither of them would rate their relationship as Traditional, Merged, or Roommate, except when they go through a transition - such as bankruptcy or having children or any of the other times described. With every challenge, however, this couple has sought to renew and revitalize their Relighting Romance Partnership. They would be the first to admit they are not perfect, but they want to get better. They also renew their commitment to each other and to their marriage on a daily basis. As Donna explained, 

Whether we are together or apart, no matter where we are in the world on any given night, we always say we are committed to our marriage out loud to each other: "I choose to be married to you today." Sometimes this isn't easy because one or the other of us may feel angry or depressed, making one of us ambivalent. But we reaffirm our desire to make this relationship work in spite of how difficult it is that day.
 
David added,

Even when I am mad at her, I love Donna more than anything. I have this vision of how good it is sometimes and how good we can make it if we are both doing the work. We have an incredible life. We have so many blessings not shared by many others on the planet. Saying, "I want to be married to you today. I choose to be married to you today," keeps me in the moment and working through the tough stuff, and it makes the good stuff even more fantastic.

 
To build a rock-solid and satisfying Relighting Romance Partnership means that you must commit - and sometimes recommit - not only to each other and to your relationship, but also to Relighting your Romance: an evolving long-term relationship that the two of you create over the years.

To learn more about how to improve your relationship, you can get Fastest Way Get Back Your Love online right now!

Getting A Relationship Back On Track - Letting Your Adult Self Care

Getting A Relationship Back On Track

Letting Your Adult Self Care for Your Joyful and Wounded Child 

As your Adult Self becomes strong and confident, it will become easier to care for the Wounded Child inside, so the child feels nurtured and does not sabotage your relationship. You should become aware of how you behave when you are feeling joyful or hurt, and then nurture yourself appropriately. Most of our Child Self's needs are small and manageable - to be loved, acknowledged, and given attention. Ask yourself the following question: "How do I nurture myself?" 

Now write five or six ways you can nurture yourself when you feel a little down. Forms of nurturing might include a long, hot, relaxing bath, a well-prepared and delicious meal, listening to music, or a conversation with a close friend.

Now ask yourself, "How do I fulfill my Child Self's need to play?" This could be a romp in the yard with your dog, a jog around the lake, a pillow fight with your older sister, a trip to the movies, or creating a piece of art. Some people enjoy making ice cream or playing golf. What would satisfy your Child Self's needs? 

As part of your self-care while you practice this step, identify what your inner child might like to do for fun or relaxation. Then, provided it is not harmful or prohibitively expensive, do it. Care for this part of yourself by giving yourself enough time for play, rest, or creative pursuits. Getting A Relationship Back On Track

Make a list of all the things you can do to care for your inner child when your feelings are hurt. What do you most need and want when you are feeling bad? How can you give yourself special care when your feelings are wounded? Taking care of yourself in this way is very important, because if you don't, you will expect your partner to take care of your Wounded Child.

See if your inner child and your Adult Self can create a strong relationship. You will feel more cared for and nurtured because you are directly in control of providing this Adult care of your Wounded Child feelings and can do so at any time. In addition, your Adult Self will be available to relate to your partner more often, without the hurt feelings of the Wounded Child interfering.

Talking with Your Partner about Your Parent, Child, and Adult Selves 

Once the two of you have done this private reflecting and have thought of ways to strengthen your Adult Selves, come together as partners. Take turns talking and listening to each other as you describe what you are learning about your own ability to stay adult and about what stressors trigger you to revert to the Critical Parent and/ or Wounded Child.

Share what you have discovered about your childhood responses to being hurt. Talk about how you see yourself reverting to these patterns in your relationship. Describe one or two things you plan to do to stay adult with each other. 

Your task as partners in this exercise is mainly to listen nonjudgmentally, One way to do this is to notice anytime you catch yourself acting from a Critical Parent or Wounded Child place. You quickly say, "Oops, there I go again, Let me stop and start over." As the partner, you'd speedily agree and move on.

Discover The Depth of Your Commitment 

When a partnership is thriving, commitment comes easily. During stressful times, being fully and consistently dedicated may feel more challenging. Commitment may come easily for you. However, for some of you, practicing the initial steps of this program may have been challenging because your commitment was fraught with hurt, anger, confusion, or disappointment before you start reading this blog. Getting A Relationship Back On Track

Continuing to put your fights aside and increase the positive (Step 1), developing a regular thread of communication (Step 2), and communicating from your Adult Self (Step 3) will change how you feel about yourself and eventually, about each other.  

Relighting Romance Step 4: Discover the Depth of Your Commitment will teach you why it is important to be fully committed to yourself, each other, and your relationship at all times, and it will teach you the importance of protecting the relationship you value - even when you go through tough times.

When a couple is fully committed to each other and their relationship, the commitment creates safety. Commitment allows you both to trust that your partner will not leave or abandon you when times are tough. It allows you to trust that your partner is pledging 100 percent. Conscious commitment that is also stated aloud - especially during tough or stressful times - reaffirms your devotion and reassures your partner that you are making the necessary changes together.

As you learn Step 4, you will

• read stories about couples navigating change through many phases of their relationships and learn what threatened to tear them apart and what brought them closer together;
• reflect upon formal commitment and daily commitment;
• investigate ways you may undermine commitment from within your relationship;
• learn about ways to protect your relationship from outside pressures.

Next post, we'll learn more what commitment really is. At mean time, you can get Getting A Relationship Back On Track online and repair your break-up relationship.

Best Getting Your Relationship Back Together - Exercises To Improve Relationship

Best Getting Your Relationship Back Together

Exercises Positive and Negative Parent Selves
 
These exercises wtll help you identify the times in your life when you think or behave as the positive or negative parent - or when you feel your partner, or others, are behaving in this way.

First make a list of the times when you find yourself being the positive, or nurturing, Parent Self. Identify times you experience being a Parent Self with your partner. Ask yourself if you are expressing the positive Parent Self appropriately. When might it be inappropriate to express this self with your partner - and how does being a positive Parent Self have an impact on your relationship? 

Identify what you say and do when you are your negative Parent Self. When do you revert to the negative Parent Self, and how does this affect your relationship? How does your partner respond when you are being a Critical Parent? Ask yourself, "When I've used Critical Parent words and actions with my partner, what dynamic does it produce? Is this the result I want?"

Now look at times when your partner has pointed a Critical Parent finger at you, verbally or nonverbally, When does this typically happen in your relationship? How does receiving the Critical Parent treatment make you feel? How do you respond? Do you remain calm? Do you feel little and sad? Do you become angry and rebellious? What impact does giving or receiving Critical Parent treatment have on your relationship? 

Sometimes we are our own worst Critical Parent. Explore when you are critical of or shaming, blaming, angry, or judging yourself. Ask yourself, "How do I feel when I am being the Critical Parent and pointing a finger at myself?"

Take some time to identify all the triggers or stressors that seemingly cause you to revert to any of the negative or Critical Parent behaviors, such as speaking angrily, shaming yourself or shaming your partner, or blaming or criticizing yourself or your partner. Again, ask yourself, "Is this the result I want?" Best Getting Your Relationship Back Together

Joyful and Wounded Child Selves
 
These exercises will help you identify the times in your life when you think or act like the joyful or Wounded Child - or when you feel your partner, or others, are acting this way.

Focus first on your joyful child experience. Ask yourself, "How does my joyful Child Self act when I feel safe? How do I play and express humor, laughter, mischievousness, and joy? How often do my partner and I interact and play as Child Selves? Is this often enough?"

Now, focusing on the Wounded Child, ask yourself, "How did I react when I was hurt as a child (before the age of eight or nine years)?" Think about your initial response. You may have had a secondary response within minutes, but it is the first response that is most important. Explore what you did "on the outside." Did you kick, scream, cry, look blank or impassive, run to your room, or hide? 

Next, consider what you were thinking and feeling "on the inside." You may have felt sad, hurt and confused, angry, or even enraged, in either case, what were you telling yourself? Was it "I'm such an awful, stupid person!" or "It's so unfair. They are wrong or stupid to treat me this way!"?

As you contemplate your childhood responses, think about whether or how you might subtly replicate them today when you feel hurt, shamed, blamed, or punished or when someone is angry or misunderstanding you. You'll probably discover your Wounded Child responses hiding in adult clothing, Write about how these responses affect your relationship. When you act from your Wounded Child Self, do you get the results you want with your partner?

Your Adult Self

These exercises are meant to help you identify your current adult strengths and to explore ways to expand on them, so you and your partner interact from your Adult Selves most of the time. Best Getting Your Relationship Back Together

First, using your notebook, write these words at the top of a blank page: What I notice about my Adult Self. Then slowly think over all of your relationships, Think about how you behave with your coworkers, friends, parents, sibling and partner. Make a list of six of these people, including your partner and at least one parent (living or deceased). Under each person's name, identify the adult qualities you show around this person. (For example, your partnership may challenge you to be your all-around best. In your position at work, you may be calmly in charge and coach those you manage with warmth and wisdom, Around your parents, you may show compassion and caring as they age. A good friend may bring out your playfulness while a sibling who looks up to you may draw on your mentoring abilities.)

Then stop and reflect on these six lists. When is it most difficult to stay adult around each of these people? Make another list of an additional three adult characteristics or qualities (greater patience, more compassion, a willingness to talk through conflicts, less defensiveness, more tolerance, etc.) that you would like to increase in each of these relationships. Notice if the list for your partner is similar or different from those for the other people in your life. Ask yourself, "Am I bringing my Adult Self equally to all of my relationships, or is it more challenging to do this with my partner?"

Also ask yourself how you respond in any of these relationships: "Do I bypass my Adult Self and instead become the Critical Parent? Do I then beat myself up, become the Wounded Child, feel hurt or angry, and then beat myself up again? When do I do this? Under what circumstances do I bypass my Adult Self?" The pattern might seem a little like a boomerang from Critical Parent to Wounded Child. Best Getting Your Relationship Back Together

As a way of expanding your adult behavioral repertoire, think about the people around you. Who consistently acts in ways you admire and want to emulate? Look for a variety of people at work, among your friends, your neighborhood or faith community, and among celebrities. You may even think back to positive role models you had as a youngster, in high school, or in college.

In addition, you may list all the current professionals - advisors, coaches, teachers, and mentors---who could help you develop adult "muscles." 

Again, taking a blank page in your notebook and contemplating everything you have learned about your Parent, Child, and Adult selves, answer the following question: "What do I need to do to strengthen my Adult Self?"

Then highlight four or five things you can do to help yourself to stay adult or expand your adult repertoire. Make specific notes and agreements with yourself about what you intend to do to strengthen your Adult Self in the coming days, weeks, and months. (You might start with your partner and work on listening without judgment when he or she talks to you. At work, you might decide to become more of a leader and offer to teach someone a skill that you know. If you wait for others to phone you, you might decide to call one or two acquaintances or friends and go out for coffee to practice reaching out.)

Next post, we'll talk about how to let your adult self care. At mean time, you can get Best Getting Your Relationship Back Together and learn how to improve your relationship immediately!

Cheap Romantic Ideas - Ideas To Improve Relationship

Cheap Romantic Ideas

Ivan married four years to Marlene, talked about how the Child and Parent play out in their relationship at times:
 
When I'm feeling vulnerable, I sure can't show it around Marlene. She expects me always to be strong and lectures me about all the ways I could improve my situation. I end up feeling like she's trying to be my mother. I know she doesn't want this either, but it leaves me feeling unmanly, and extremely angry with her in the long run. She says she feels trapped by my behavior when I'm needy like that and doesn't know how to respond in a positive way. She tries, but we both lose out.
 
Learning to stay in their Adult Selves has improved Ivan and Marlene's situation immensely.

Penny. who has been living with Mike for nine months, said the two ofthem are also grappling with the parent/child predicament:

I feel so out of sorts these days and I don't think Mike knows what to do, so he just goes silent on me. I cry and make a scene when he's not home on time, and I miss him or am worried about him. I feel so immature, yet I can't keep myself from acting this way. I know everything is OK between us, but moving in together is more stressful than I could have imagined. Cheap Romantic Ideas
 
Jelxane and Julia have come up with their own strategies for staying adult. Said Julia,

It's taken a few years but now when one of us is feeling down, or hurt, or little, the other one tries to stay adult and just listens until the feelings subside.
 
Jerome added, 

I think we are also both better at nurturing our own wounds, talking to our friends, or going for a walk or ran when we are initially hurt. Then we come back and talk later when we feel able to talk more calmly. Sometimes, by then, the feelings have gone away. If not, we quickly clear the air.
 
According to TA, we need to become our own best caregivers, You are the adult who now needs to nurture your own inner child. Looking to your partner for "parenting" will lead to inequality and imbalance in your relationship.

Your Adult Self needs to take responsibility for your Child Self. You need to let the adult part listen to this child or take yourself "out to play" and give yourself attention when your feelings have been wounded and the hurt is not resolved. If your Adult Self does not protect and care for the child inside you, it is like having a three-year-old in your care and walking away when the child is hurting. If you let your Critical Parent take over, it's like punishing a small child with shame or blame. Cheap Romantic Ideas

It is important that you learn to care for your inner child from a loving adult so you don't inappropriately lay this burden on your mate. Examples:

• Your healthy Adult Self knows the old habits you may fall into when you visit your family. The Adult Self can visit your extended family and leave your Child Self at home - safe and protected.
• Your healthy Adult Self knows how to get through a difficult or heated discussion when your Child Self feels afraid or acquiesces out of fear or uncertainty.
• Your healthy Adult Self knows how to stand up for yourself in an assertive way when someone is bullying you.
• While your Child Self may not know how to say no, your healthy Adult Self can do so when appropriate.
• Your healthy Adult Self can take your Child Self out for ice cream or comfort you when you need a good cry.
• Your healthy Adult Self knows how to have good, intimate sex. The Adult Self also knows not to engage in sex if you are feeling little hurt or needy.
• Your healthy Adult Self can remind your Child Self that making mistakes is part of learning, that there's nothing to be ashamed of, and that you'll be able to do better next time. Cheap Romantic Ideas

Such tasks are much too big for a three- or four-year-old. They are not too big for an adult.

In the following post, you will continue to identify your Parent, Child, and Adult selves. Incorporate with individual reflections from earlier posts. Becoming acquainted with your responses will help you to stay positive with your partner and strengthen the adult/adult interactions between you.

Take our time and complete these exercises thoroughly on your own. Later you will come together to share your discoveries.

Once you become fully aware of your three selves, change will come more easily. The main task is to ask yourself is, "Am I using these selves wisely? How do I revert to the Critical Parent or the Wounded Child when I am under stress? How does reverting affect my interactions with people and especially my partnership? Does my Adult Self need some muscle building? Which eharaeteristit of my Adult Self do I need to work on?"

As you will he indentifying both positive and negative characteristics in yourself and your partner, try to remain nonjudgmental, yet truthful. Learn how to improve your relationship by getting - Cheap Romantic Ideas.