A major defining characteristic of the Roommate Style is that individuals in the couple make decisions unilaterally, without taking the partner into consideration; they may do this consciously or unconsciously. Some profess to value independence, but they do not balance it with interdependence that is necessary in any healthy, mature relationship.
For instance, a woman may come home one evening and tell her partner she's going out with her friends on Friday night (implying that he has to watch the kids, get a sitter, or fend for himself). A man might not feel it necessary to consult his partner when he chooses to quit or change his job. Perhaps they have separate finances, or it is assumed that the other partner will make financial adjustments as necessary.
When Jeremy was offered a position with a prestigious firm on the East Coast, he was thrilled and accepted the offer without talking it over with his wife. Rahlah was delighted for him, and she was not in the least disturbed that her husband had not consulted her before making the decision to move several states away. Rahlah was confident that her business would do well "no matter where we live," and she enjoys that her husband is "as independent as I am." They have chosen to put off having children; Rahlah, however, thinks they should reconsider even having children at all due to her age.
She is aware that having kids will require adjustments in their lifestyle, and this concerned her:
I'm afraid we are both so independent--so focused on ourselves and our careers--that we won't know how to work together if we have kids. I'm afraid I'll end up taking care of the kids and the household even though I have a career, simply because we've never had to make decisions together or put anyone else's needs before our own. I think we'd have to make a change in how we do things, but I'm not sure Jeremy sees the need for a change. He's doing just what he's always wanted to do, and he loves his iob.
Even though he really wants a family, I'm afraid he might not face just how much time kids require. He just thinks it will all work out. I'm concerned I'll have to pick up the slack and my needs will go on the back burner---not because he wants me to be overburdened or unhappy, but because it's what he's used to in our relationship. We've got it pretty good right now. I don't want to end up resenting him - or the kids.
Neither Rahlah nor Jeremy is dissatisfied with the amount of connection and intimacy they currently have because they are both so involved with their work lives. When they do come together, it is satisfying. Rahlah, however, is anticipating that if they have children she may desire more participation from Jeremy, as well as more connection and intimacy with him. The Roommate Style of relating may no longer be satisfying to her.
Like Jeremy and Rahlah, partners in the Roommate Style of relating come and go pretty much at will. This is done with the expectation that the other person, and maybe even the children, will make necessary adjustments without any discussion. Sometimes this works, and people are happy with the outcome; but when it doesn't work, at least one person will be left unhappy and, sometimes, unaware of what is wrong.
What distinguishes these relationships is the independent activity of each person. Each makes solo decisions, even when decisions affect both partners--and perhaps an entire family. Decision making is one-sided, even when the deciding partner has the best of intentions and feels that he or she is accommodating the partner's unspoken desires.
Another defining characteristic of the Roommate Style is that opportunities for emotional connection occur only randomly, because partners tend to function independently. There might be a steady connection at some times but only a sporadic connection at others. Partners cannot count on feeling emotionally connected to each other; and often a partner cannot count on the other person doing what he or she might choose to do for an activity, because each is used to making plans separately.
Therefore, if they both wish to spend time together on Tuesday evening after work, the connection time is satisfying to both of them. Whether they are able to feel emotionally connected cannot be counted on, however-sometimes it may happen, and sometimes not.
While some couples consciously choose the Roommate Style, many don't actually set out to become Roommates. Those who consciously choose to act as Roommates tell me they value their independence. They seem to feel that relying on each other will take something away from their individuality. Therefore, they stridently talk about independent decision making. Frequently these couples become emotionally disconnected.
The couples that unconsciously fall into the Roommate Style of relating often tell me they simply think it is working for them. Sometimes it does when they are both choosing to be together and when they are both involved in other activities at the exact same time.
Modern couples with their busy lifestyles, careers, and family responsibilities often fall into this style by default rather than choice. Many of them have never really learned how to build and sustain a truly intimate partnership. Perhaps they saw their parents relating in this way, or the Roommate Style may have unconsciously developed as a way to avoid closeness--the result of previous disappointments and the inability to trust.
Typically, this relaxed attitude is accompanied by knowledge that "my partner probably wouldn't change even if I asked him." Alternatively, as in any of the previous styles of relating, one or both individuals are eonflietavoidant, and they simply settle for being Roommates because they don't know what else to do to feel more satisfied. Because partners cannot always count on connecting with each other, the Roommate Style often leads to misunderstanding and dissatisfaction for one or both people.
After reading the different relationship styles, you've probably begun to identify some of the ways you relate that have led you to desire change. In the next post, you'll be introduced to another style of relating called Relighting Romance. This may be the style of relating you've been longing for. You can get Pull Your Ex Back to improve your relationship immediately!
