Exercises Positive and Negative Parent Selves
These exercises wtll help you identify the times in your life when you think or behave as the positive or negative parent - or when you feel your partner, or others, are behaving in this way.
First make a list of the times when you find yourself being the positive, or nurturing, Parent Self. Identify times you experience being a Parent Self with your partner. Ask yourself if you are expressing the positive Parent Self appropriately. When might it be inappropriate to express this self with your partner - and how does being a positive Parent Self have an impact on your relationship?
Identify what you say and do when you are your negative Parent Self. When do you revert to the negative Parent Self, and how does this affect your relationship? How does your partner respond when you are being a Critical Parent? Ask yourself, "When I've used Critical Parent words and actions with my partner, what dynamic does it produce? Is this the result I want?"
Now look at times when your partner has pointed a Critical Parent finger at you, verbally or nonverbally, When does this typically happen in your relationship? How does receiving the Critical Parent treatment make you feel? How do you respond? Do you remain calm? Do you feel little and sad? Do you become angry and rebellious? What impact does giving or receiving Critical Parent treatment have on your relationship?
Sometimes we are our own worst Critical Parent. Explore when you are critical of or shaming, blaming, angry, or judging yourself. Ask yourself, "How do I feel when I am being the Critical Parent and pointing a finger at myself?"
Take some time to identify all the triggers or stressors that seemingly cause you to revert to any of the negative or Critical Parent behaviors, such as speaking angrily, shaming yourself or shaming your partner, or blaming or criticizing yourself or your partner. Again, ask yourself, "Is this the result I want?" Best Getting Your Relationship Back Together
Joyful and Wounded Child Selves
These exercises will help you identify the times in your life when you think or act like the joyful or Wounded Child - or when you feel your partner, or others, are acting this way.
Focus first on your joyful child experience. Ask yourself, "How does my joyful Child Self act when I feel safe? How do I play and express humor, laughter, mischievousness, and joy? How often do my partner and I interact and play as Child Selves? Is this often enough?"
Now, focusing on the Wounded Child, ask yourself, "How did I react when I was hurt as a child (before the age of eight or nine years)?" Think about your initial response. You may have had a secondary response within minutes, but it is the first response that is most important. Explore what you did "on the outside." Did you kick, scream, cry, look blank or impassive, run to your room, or hide?
Next, consider what you were thinking and feeling "on the inside." You may have felt sad, hurt and confused, angry, or even enraged, in either case, what were you telling yourself? Was it "I'm such an awful, stupid person!" or "It's so unfair. They are wrong or stupid to treat me this way!"?
As you contemplate your childhood responses, think about whether or how you might subtly replicate them today when you feel hurt, shamed, blamed, or punished or when someone is angry or misunderstanding you. You'll probably discover your Wounded Child responses hiding in adult clothing, Write about how these responses affect your relationship. When you act from your Wounded Child Self, do you get the results you want with your partner?
Your Adult Self
These exercises are meant to help you identify your current adult strengths and to explore ways to expand on them, so you and your partner interact from your Adult Selves most of the time. Best Getting Your Relationship Back Together
First, using your notebook, write these words at the top of a blank page: What I notice about my Adult Self. Then slowly think over all of your relationships, Think about how you behave with your coworkers, friends, parents, sibling and partner. Make a list of six of these people, including your partner and at least one parent (living or deceased). Under each person's name, identify the adult qualities you show around this person. (For example, your partnership may challenge you to be your all-around best. In your position at work, you may be calmly in charge and coach those you manage with warmth and wisdom, Around your parents, you may show compassion and caring as they age. A good friend may bring out your playfulness while a sibling who looks up to you may draw on your mentoring abilities.)
Then stop and reflect on these six lists. When is it most difficult to stay adult around each of these people? Make another list of an additional three adult characteristics or qualities (greater patience, more compassion, a willingness to talk through conflicts, less defensiveness, more tolerance, etc.) that you would like to increase in each of these relationships. Notice if the list for your partner is similar or different from those for the other people in your life. Ask yourself, "Am I bringing my Adult Self equally to all of my relationships, or is it more challenging to do this with my partner?"
Also ask yourself how you respond in any of these relationships: "Do I bypass my Adult Self and instead become the Critical Parent? Do I then beat myself up, become the Wounded Child, feel hurt or angry, and then beat myself up again? When do I do this? Under what circumstances do I bypass my Adult Self?" The pattern might seem a little like a boomerang from Critical Parent to Wounded Child. Best Getting Your Relationship Back Together
As a way of expanding your adult behavioral repertoire, think about the people around you. Who consistently acts in ways you admire and want to emulate? Look for a variety of people at work, among your friends, your neighborhood or faith community, and among celebrities. You may even think back to positive role models you had as a youngster, in high school, or in college.
In addition, you may list all the current professionals - advisors, coaches, teachers, and mentors---who could help you develop adult "muscles."
Again, taking a blank page in your notebook and contemplating everything you have learned about your Parent, Child, and Adult selves, answer the following question: "What do I need to do to strengthen my Adult Self?"
Then highlight four or five things you can do to help yourself to stay adult or expand your adult repertoire. Make specific notes and agreements with yourself about what you intend to do to strengthen your Adult Self in the coming days, weeks, and months. (You might start with your partner and work on listening without judgment when he or she talks to you. At work, you might decide to become more of a leader and offer to teach someone a skill that you know. If you wait for others to phone you, you might decide to call one or two acquaintances or friends and go out for coffee to practice reaching out.)
Next post, we'll talk about how to let your adult self care. At mean time, you can get Best Getting Your Relationship Back Together and learn how to improve your relationship immediately!
