I think seeing Merged couples in therapy is probably rare because fully Merged couples seldom seek outside help as they are so self-contained. What is important is for you to identify small ways in which you may be Merged in your relating style and to determine if these ways of relating are right for you.
Decision making for a Merged couple appears seamless. They go along with each other because they seldom do or decide anything that would be surprising or unusual. Typically, they stick to prescribed and expected choices, decisions, and responses, and they know exactly what to expect from each other.
Often the person who is the least passive at that moment voicea a preference, and the partner just goes along. Sometimes this is because one or both feel they cannot say what they want so they give in to their partner; sometimes it is because striking out independently causes their partner to become angry or unhappy or to feel betrayed. From a mental-health perspective, this style is not good for individual development.
Merging results in codependent and caretaking behavior. Individuality is sacrificed in always doing what others want---or what you surmise others want of you. Examples include a person who never offers an idea about what to do on a date; or someone who is always rubbing your back or getting you a cup of tea, even when you may not want one. That partner may want the back rub or the cup of tea and unconsciously hopes you will know this and return the favor. Sometimes people call this being "nice," but when it is overdone, one individual sacrifices self, needs, wants, and desires for the other.
When you're around such couples, you might notice that they may finish each other's thoughts-- ot just sentences--and have such a uniform point of view that they seem to have little individuality. Their closeness may appear as intimacy, while their responses or thoughts may seem rote, rigid, and routine, They are often inseparable, sometimes in an almost charming way, as in very old couples who have been together for fifty or sixty years.
However, when one parmer is away, the other one doesn't know what to do or even think, because he or she is truly lost without the other half.
During courtship and falling in love, it is not uncommon for couples to become somewhat merged as they explore all the ways they are alike. It is healthy and normal, however, to let individual autonomy emerge as the couple discovers their differences in later phases of courtship. It is at this point that couples either break up--not wanting to "unmerge," and mistakenly thinking that differences mean there is something wrong with or incompatible in their relationship--or they unmerge and work to appreciate each other's unique qualities and how those qualities enhance the budding relationship.
They desire individuality in their relationship in a way Merged couples do not. Some couples evolve into a Merged relationship if they are together for a long time and fail to develop individual interests or receive support for individual growth.
Younger couples, too, can become merged---specially teenaged brides and grooms who wed before their individual personalities are fully formed. Chet and Sue came together at this early stage. Their story illustrates how the Merged Style does not support individuality and how change is challenging"
Chet and Sue first met in their ninth-grade science class as lab partners. Each describes their meeting as love at first sight. They were inseparable throughout high school. They signed up for the same classes and attended the same after-school activities. When Chet made the football team, Sue became a cheerleader. Because they spent the maiority of their free time together, neither one of them developed close friendships outside their relationship. Sue loved Chet's sense of humor, and he can still make her laugh. He loves to be around her and thinks she is beautiful.
Chet developed skills as a carpenter while working at his father's construction company during summer breaks. Sue went to work at a local pharmacy. They married the summer after they graduated from high school, and in the next four years had two children. Sue continues to work part time. They are both loyal and valued workers at their respective iobs. Their life together has been fairly uneventful. They both follow the same daily routines and even go to the same resort for their yearly vacation. They spent ten years in this fashion. Then a change occurred.
The small construction firm at which Chet worked since graduating from high school expanded to several surrounding states. As lead carpenter, Chet is now required to oversee a number of these pro}ects. He spends many weekdays at motels near the worksites and comes home on the weekends. As a result, Chet and Sue are both spending time on their own as they never had before in their relationship.
Sue feels that she has nothing to do when Chet is away. She has made no significant friendships and has developed no personal interests. She says that she feels as though doing so would be disloyal to Chet. Sue found herself asking, "Is this all there is?" She is growing dissatisfied with what she calls "the same day over and over again," but she is unable to define what she would like to change. She feels that she is living for the weekends, when Chet is home.
Although Chet and Sue thought it was romantic to be so intertwined when they first got together - believing they are "two against the world" - Sue is finding it difficult to develop new interests while Chet is away during the week. Like Sue, who functions well at work and around her family, Chet is able to function separately from Sue on the job, but he doesn't enjoy his time with the guys on the site or even think to make friends.
He harbors feelings that the other guys may not like him or want to socialize with him after work, so he turns down their invitations to go for burgers, beer, and pool when the workday is done. He's not used to socializing without Sue and is uncomfortable on his own. He relies on his weekend time with Sue to recharge his batteries, which is putting great stress on their marriage.
Like Chet and Sue, many Merged couples are limited to a narrow range of behaviors and interactions. They have developed few skills to identify their individual feelings, wants, and needs. When they are on their own, they are not able to define and verbalize their dissatisfaction and loneliness.
When they step outside their merged bounds, they are often "lost." Chet feels lost away from Sue and cannot connect to his co-workers, so he focuses on work during the day and watches television in his motel room at night.
When they're alone, the individuals in a Merged couple feel vulnerable. They only feel whole and safe when they are together. If we imagine couples in the context of the larger world, such interdependence requires that neither of the Merged partners grow personally nor develop outside interests. They must rely on keeping the spark and continuing to interest each other, just as they are, with no surprises, changes, or uniqueness. Such limitations cause great strain, especially if one person desires more.
Decision making for the Merged couple occurs by unconsciously doing what the couple feels is typically expected of a husband or wife or partner without giving much thought to other options. Chet and Sue made most of their major decisions early in their relationship and seldom questioned them until their situation changed. In addition, without an awareness of individual needs and feelings, the Merged couple is not able to understand and share true intimacy, which requires the coming together of two whole, mature selves who are growing and changing, who support these processes in each other, and who are also developing new interests together over time.
Next post, we'll continue with the 3rd style of relationship, who knows, you may fall into this category. If you want to better manage your relationship, you can get Pull Your Ex Back today and never lose your partner ever again!
