Love Is a Work in Progress
In the classic book, The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck writes about enduring love. Peck speaks of the mature discipline and quiet care required to make a long-term commitment thrive. In this view, love becomes an action verb. Active loving can involve the simplest of things - I'll-make-your-bed-for-you, let-me-give-you-a-hug-when-
Long-term love is an action - not just a physical chemistry or a short-term feeling of falling. It can be romantic and passionate, but it is so much more than that. It is a work in progress, much like a beautiful work of art that takes months or even years to create.
When a painter is laying colors on the canvas day after day, mixing paints on a palette, scratching and rubbing the surface, and adding more layers, sometimes the canvas looks downright awful - maybe even like a mistake. Nevertheless, after perseverance, the hidden tones start to shine through, the richness and depth affect the surface, and the beauty and complexity evolve.
Are You Undermining Your Commitment?
Commitment is a major and complex undertaking. It requires awareness of our motivations, needs, desires, and capabilities. In essence, it requires great maturity. Some people are able to embrace their relationship and all its commitments wholeheartedly. They never look back or question their personal choice. Their commitment is solid, a given. Chances Of Getting Back Together After Separation
For others, the requirements of commitment to another person and to a long-term relationship are less conscious or steadfast. Some people may not have considered all the ramifications of making such a choice, yet they find themselves in love and having made a commitment. Some people want to give up when times are tough. Others threaten to walk out to get their partner's attention. Some have worked hard to create a good relationship but get no cooperation from their partner; only at that point do they decide it is time to leave.
There are five basic behaviors that frequently undermine commitment:
- Making a commitment too soon in the relationship
- Abandoning oneself and consequently resenting one's partner
- Not living in alignment with one's values, goals, and priorities
- "Crying wolf" by threatening to leave or divorce
- Wanting to give up before one has tried everything possible to make the relationship successful
Commitment Too Soon Creates a Weak Relationship
We have all heard stories of people who fall madly in love and decide to make a commitment to each other - to become engaged or get married - not long after their first date. In a number of these situations, the outcome is a long and happy relationship. Usually the two people are mature, know what they want in a mate, and are realistic about what it will take to create a relationship once they are committed.
Many other times, the outcome is not so positive. Sometimes a couple is too young. Jennifer and Jim are a case in point. Jennifer came to counseling while their divorce was being finalized. She wanted to avoid the pitfalls she and Jim had experienced in their young and short marriage. As Jennifer explained,
Jim and I were just too young. We had no idea what marriage would require. All we knew was that we were head over heels for each other. At seventeen, you may think you are grown up, but there is so much to learn about life. Sadly to say, the marriage only lasted a year and a half. My parents were good about not saying, "I told you so."
As we spoke, Jennifer assessed that she and Jim had held a combination of Traditional and Merged styles when they got together. Over time, she wanted to develop her individual interests by going to school and working. Her need for personal development was threatening to Jim, who liked her being at home for him. He criticized her every action. Chances Of Getting Back Together After Separation
At the time, Jennifer did not know quite what was wrong, but when she heard about Relighting Romance, she decided that this is the relationship style she will seek in her future. In the meantime, she's finishing her education and developing her personal interests, so that when the time is right, she will choose a mate more carefully.
Other times, a hasty commitment comes out of neediness. Carla remarked,
I was on the rebound. I thought I had healed from my first marriage, which ended in a fairly amicable divorce after four years and no kids; however, I should have taken more time to soul search. I just blamed Matt for our divorce and never stopped to look at my own shortcomings. As a result, I was pretty needy for affection and someone to lean on. These qualities didn't help ether of my two marriages.
Very often people fall in love with a terrific person, but forget they are taking on an entire package of life experiences and extended family, Sometimes they may not understand the challenges that come with addictions or a history of dysfunction of any sort. Said Dan,
I thought she was the perfect person for me. She was gorgeous, fun loving, and ready to party. I'd never been married and was waiting for "Miss Right" to knock my socks off. Well, she did, all right. I just had no idea that everything about her past, as well as her behavior with me, should have been a red flag.
She was a great gal, but she had troubles with alcohol, two kids from two different fathers, and was rarely employed for more than six months. She always wanted to go to the casino for entertainment and lost a lot of money. What was I thinking? I guess it was chemistry and a certain kind of love - but not the marrying kind of love!
Not all relationships can succeed. Sometimes the stressors are too great and the couple too ill-equipped. It takes solid maturity, an awareness of the long-term requirements of a relationship, education about the characteristics of a good mate, and a willingness to continuously work together to create a relationship and make it last.
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