When Bob comes home from work, many evenings he and Carole get down on the living room floor to wrestle and play with their two-year-old boys, who squeal with delight at this physical contact. Carole and Bob delight in the affectionate tussle, laughing and making silly noises right along with their boys. Then they end this little pre-dinner ritual by sprawling out in a circle with each one's head on another one's belly - for laughing and giggling until they wind down. Bob said,
It is such a great way to reconnect and switch gears at the end of a long workday The boys calm down. My head is no longer at work, Carole and I have touched and hugged, and we've all connected once again. No matter what our days have been like, we are all there together, and it feels great.
The Child Self is frequently referred to as the Inner Child. The positive characteristics of an adult's Inner Child are the playful, joyful generously, loving, sometimes mischievous ways we can be when we feel safe and secure with another person or group of people. Maybe we enter this childlike, innocent, playful state with our children.
Sometimes we may get silly or mischievous with our mate or with our friends when we are goofing around. It is wonderful to be playfully childlike when we feel safe and secure with those around us.
The negative experience of the Child Self that we carry inside, even in adulthood, is called the Wounded Child. It is the part of yourself that was hurt by people close to you as a child. It reflects how you responded to being hurt by those you loved. If we investigate the feelings and behaviors of our Wounded Child now as an adult, we find a direct reproduction of what we felt, what we thought, and how we behaved when we were hurt in our childhood. The Wounded Child self does not disappear or go away as you mature. Typically it becomes less pronounced or active as you replace childlike responses with more mature responses.
Some Positive Child Aspects:
- Playful
- Joyful
- Mischievous
- Innocent
- Curious
- Generous
- Loving
- Trusting
- Affectionate
Bob talked about how his father's behavior influenced him as a child:
My dad was a heavy drinker when we were growing up. He was a loving man, but then he could turn on you when he had too much to drink. Because we boys were supposed to be little men, when he yelled at me, I'd try not to show it, but I'd feel like dying on the inside! I never was sure I pleased him, and I always wanted him to be proud of me.
Now I know I'm hard on myself, and others, sometimes. And when my boss is upset with me or Carole hurts my feelings or doesn't give me enough attention - especially since we've had the twins - once in a while I have to work hard not to shut down and withdraw inside. Neither of them is really like my dad, but I find myself doing the same old behaviors once in a while. I'm working on it.
When we think of the possible responses to being hurt as a child, there is a whole continuum of options. If you have children, observe their behaviors when they are hurt by playmates, siblings, teachers, or even by you as a parent.
Some children feel very sad or defeated when their feelings get hurt by their parents. They run to their rooms and hide in the closet, or may pull the covers over their heads. They may cry. They may have thoughts about how bad they are, how alone they feel. Some children whose feelings are hurt may come out kicking, screaming, and hollering.
To be hurt makes them mad, and they want to lash out, They may think the other person is "unfair" or wrong or bad. Sometimes people describe responding with sadness as a young child, then lashing out angrily as they entered adolescence. Still other children simply don't move when their feelings are hurt. They shut down and "go away" inside while their body stays "present." They may be feeling sadness or defeat - or anger and resentment.
Bob's shutdown and self-critical hurt Child Self may appear similar to the sullenness Carole observes when he internalizes his father's Parent Self, judging and blaming himself. To the outside observer the Critical Parent and Wounded Child selves may be indistinguishable. For example, tough words can be your Critical Parent or your hurt, angry child speaking.
The way you will know is by going inside and assessing whether you feel sad, angry, hurt, or vulnerable. On the other hand, you may feel judgmental and critical like a self-righteous, angry, and blaming parent. When Bob is in his Wounded Child self, he experiences feeling small, feeling little. He does not experience feeling critical or tough like his dad. It is your inner state, your inner experience that gives you the clue to which self is operating.
The Adult Self
Your Adult Self is the expansive, healthy space or state in which you, as an adult, interact. The Adult Self is spacious and becomes increasingly flexible as you develop your muscles and repertoire of behaviors and communications. The Adult Self has a breadth of thoughts, feelings, actions, and communication.
Within the spaciousness, flexibility, and self-acceptance of adulthood, you know and accept your strengths and weaknesses, you discriminate between what you like and don't like. As a healthy adult, you know what you know, what you don't know, and where and when to look for information, help, or advice. As a healthy adult, you are not too humble and you are not too arrogant. You are not mo lethargic, neither are you too manic.
You have a range of feelings - from love to dislike, anger to acceptance, sorrow to joy, and so on - but you do not let your emotions run your life. They are part of your everyday experience, but they are not to be thrown around or indulged in at anyone else's expense. There is a limit beyond which thoughts, actions, words, and experiences become too extreme or are out of the adult bounds. When they are out of the adult bounds we have tipped into the Critical Parent or Wounded Child self.
Some people react negatively when they think of becoming "adult" or "mature." They want to cling to the vestiges of childhood and maybe even childish behaviors. They misunderstand true adulthood, which is not limiting or stifling. In fact, it is freeing because it encompasses so much of one's life experiences and learning. Most mature adults are far less self-conscious, selfdoubting, or concerned with petty things than they were while growing up or in their early adult years.
Maturity can bring a lightness of heart and the beginnings of wisdom, so imagine that the Adult Self is spacious! There is room for a great breadth of feelings and behaviors. The edges of your Adult Self help you determine what is healthy or unhealthy. Going beyond these edges lets you know you are too manic or too "in the pits" with depression.
As a healthy adult, you know when you are too full of anger and rage or too silent and withdrawn. Caring and loving from your Adult Self is naturally generous and openhearted without any game playing or manipulation or need for payback. You can even be playful and light-hearted as an adult.
Most people who cling to childish ways or who refuse to mature do so at the expense of others. They "act out" their emotions when they want to, never taking others into account. Healthy, mature adults know when to work and when to play. They know when to care for others and when to rest and care for themselves.
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