Commitment Through the Many Phases of Relating
One of the delights of life is that people change. They grow and naturally evolve through the appropriate developmental stages of their teens, twenties, thirties, forties, and for some, all the way through their nineties. Any enduring, intimate relationship needs to evolve over time to keep it vital and fresh. For all couples, each new phase can be like a new "relationship within a relationship," from the honeymoon to the empty nest and the creativity of later life. Each developmental phase poses a challenge to your commitment to each other and to your relationship.
The following sampling of couples across the lifespan represent changes you may experience as you move through many life stages together. Such transitions may be desired and exciting, but they are stressful nonetheless.
Their commitment to each other and their relationship became an anchor for each of these couples during times of transition and change. It can become an anchor for you.
Jorge, twenty-three and married six months to Martin, is headed into law school this fall. As Jorge has taken on the commitments of marriage, partnering, and law school, he's not as happy-go-lucky as he was during their courtship. Martina, his twenty-two-year-old bride, noted how much he was changing, almost overnight:
He's given up going out and drinking with the boys on weekends. He's much more concerned about getting our new house and finances in order so he can study this fall. He's even treating me differently - mainly for the better. I like the changes, but my head is spinning. He's not the light-hearted guy I met two years ago. He's talking to me like a real adult all of a sudden - sharing his plans and dreams about school and his future. He keeps asking me how I feel about everything, and what I need while he's studying so hard. I guess I'd better start figuring this out so we can work together on it, instead of just feeling nervous, or left out.
Retirement is another big change. Beth was concerned about her fifty-nine years old husband, Marvin, to whom she's been married for nearly thirty years:
Marvin's getting near retirement, and his company may even offer him early severance just to ease their workforce. I think he's afraid and doesn't know what he's going to do. He's become quiet and withdrawn these last six months. How To Get A Relationship Back Together
We try to talk about it, but it's difficult. One hopeful thing - he said he was thinking of taking some carpentry classes at the vocational school nearby starting in a month, He's always been a great carpenter, and we both know plenty of people who need handyman services. He deserves to slow down and do something he'd really enjoy. And, I'd love for us to get an RV to go on road trips around the country!
Liz and Herbert represent another life stage. Liz, widowed for twelve years, is a sparkly seventy-nine years old with lovely white hair. She loves to ballroom dance and has become deeply involved with Herbert, eight years her junior and also widowed. Right now they have no issues, no history or baggage. They play and learned about partnering to keep it that way. They talked about marriage, and Liz was considering the changes she'll be facing if she accepts:
You know, when I was younger I would have been much more cautious. But one never knows how much time they've got left. My attraction to Herbert is very different than with my hushand. But then, we raised a family, grew a business, and made a full life, until Sam died of a heart attack at sixty-eight - so young. It took me almost five years to get my life reoriented, and now I have.
Dancing has been great exercise, a social outlet, and then there is Herbert! So many men my age are "old," and I'm not! He's able to keep up with me. I think he's a keeper!
Liz and Herbert looked at each other fondly - then Herbert spoke up:
I think she's a keeper, too. We have such a good time together. We could just both go on living alone and doing our separate lives, but we think it might be more fun to do the next phase together! I think her kids and mine are having an eye-opening experience as they see us so happy, but they are becoming quite supportive.
Like people, relationships need to change. Both internal factors and external circumstances cause changes in an individual or relationship. Often relationships change because of things a couple is trying to accomplish during a particular stage of life. Ellen, thirty-four, is less concerned about her deeply engaging career these days. She and Mike, married five years, are trying to get pregnant. They'd like to have two children before she turns forty. Here's what Mike was thinking about: How To Get A Relationship Back Together
Now that my career is finally stabilized and I'm making a good income, we figure we'd better get going on the baby thing or it may be too late. I had a hard time thinking about it until I landed this good job and finally felt successful - like all men are supposed to feel. I know it's kind of stupid in this liberal day and age, but feeling successful as a man is still important.
We both enjoy our careers, but Ellen feels she can always reenter the work force full-time later on. Women in their forties and fifties - and even sixties - are having blossoming careers in this day and age! Especially now that everyone is living so long.
Ellen added,
And men are more likely to want to work in the garden or play with the grandchildren when they get older. I'm actually looking forward to that time. But first, I guess we have to have the babies!
Some change is thrust upon us. Peg and Jim, married fourteen years, in their early- to mid-forties with two preadolescent, sports-minded sons, were suddenly taking care of two generations: their children and Peg's parents, who were in their eighties and struggling:
Dad's Alzheimer's has become so much worse that Morn can't care for him anymore. She's getting tired, so we have recently found a home that will accommodate both their needs - Dad's in an apartment with twenty-four hour care, and Mom's in her own apartment nearby. We are trying to take turns visiting at least three to four times a week. It's a handful with the boys' baseball, hockey, and other activities.
Expressing the Relighting Romance they value, Jim added,
Yeah, sometimes we feel a bit squeezed in the middle, but I don't think we'd choose to do it any other way. We just have to make sure we have time for each other, or our relationship will suffer.
Sometimes change is exciting, and sometimes it is scary because of the unknown. Either way, without change, we grow bored. A strong commitment to each other and to your relationship - and a conscious recommitment whenever you are going through a major change - will help the two of you trust each other and the rock-solid stability of your partnering. Commitment prepares and equips you for the dreams and fun things you can create as well as for the challenges that life is sure to bring.
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