Letting Your Adult Self Care for Your Joyful and Wounded Child
As your Adult Self becomes strong and confident, it will become easier to care for the Wounded Child inside, so the child feels nurtured and does not sabotage your relationship. You should become aware of how you behave when you are feeling joyful or hurt, and then nurture yourself appropriately. Most of our Child Self's needs are small and manageable - to be loved, acknowledged, and given attention. Ask yourself the following question: "How do I nurture myself?"
Now write five or six ways you can nurture yourself when you feel a little down. Forms of nurturing might include a long, hot, relaxing bath, a well-prepared and delicious meal, listening to music, or a conversation with a close friend.
Now ask yourself, "How do I fulfill my Child Self's need to play?" This could be a romp in the yard with your dog, a jog around the lake, a pillow fight with your older sister, a trip to the movies, or creating a piece of art. Some people enjoy making ice cream or playing golf. What would satisfy your Child Self's needs?
As part of your self-care while you practice this step, identify what your inner child might like to do for fun or relaxation. Then, provided it is not harmful or prohibitively expensive, do it. Care for this part of yourself by giving yourself enough time for play, rest, or creative pursuits. Getting A Relationship Back On Track
Make a list of all the things you can do to care for your inner child when your feelings are hurt. What do you most need and want when you are feeling bad? How can you give yourself special care when your feelings are wounded? Taking care of yourself in this way is very important, because if you don't, you will expect your partner to take care of your Wounded Child.
See if your inner child and your Adult Self can create a strong relationship. You will feel more cared for and nurtured because you are directly in control of providing this Adult care of your Wounded Child feelings and can do so at any time. In addition, your Adult Self will be available to relate to your partner more often, without the hurt feelings of the Wounded Child interfering.
Talking with Your Partner about Your Parent, Child, and Adult Selves
Once the two of you have done this private reflecting and have thought of ways to strengthen your Adult Selves, come together as partners. Take turns talking and listening to each other as you describe what you are learning about your own ability to stay adult and about what stressors trigger you to revert to the Critical Parent and/ or Wounded Child.
Share what you have discovered about your childhood responses to being hurt. Talk about how you see yourself reverting to these patterns in your relationship. Describe one or two things you plan to do to stay adult with each other.
Your task as partners in this exercise is mainly to listen nonjudgmentally, One way to do this is to notice anytime you catch yourself acting from a Critical Parent or Wounded Child place. You quickly say, "Oops, there I go again, Let me stop and start over." As the partner, you'd speedily agree and move on.
Discover The Depth of Your Commitment
When a partnership is thriving, commitment comes easily. During stressful times, being fully and consistently dedicated may feel more challenging. Commitment may come easily for you. However, for some of you, practicing the initial steps of this program may have been challenging because your commitment was fraught with hurt, anger, confusion, or disappointment before you start reading this blog. Getting A Relationship Back On Track
Continuing to put your fights aside and increase the positive (Step 1), developing a regular thread of communication (Step 2), and communicating from your Adult Self (Step 3) will change how you feel about yourself and eventually, about each other.
Relighting Romance Step 4: Discover the Depth of Your Commitment will teach you why it is important to be fully committed to yourself, each other, and your relationship at all times, and it will teach you the importance of protecting the relationship you value - even when you go through tough times.
When a couple is fully committed to each other and their relationship, the commitment creates safety. Commitment allows you both to trust that your partner will not leave or abandon you when times are tough. It allows you to trust that your partner is pledging 100 percent. Conscious commitment that is also stated aloud - especially during tough or stressful times - reaffirms your devotion and reassures your partner that you are making the necessary changes together.
As you learn Step 4, you will
- read stories about couples navigating change through many phases of their relationships and learn what threatened to tear them apart and what brought them closer together;
- reflect upon formal commitment and daily commitment;
- investigate ways you may undermine commitment from within your relationship;
- learn about ways to protect your relationship from outside pressures.
