While you continue to practice Step 1, nourishing your relationship by increasing positive interactions between you, in next few posts, you will learn about Relighting Romance Step 2: Talk Regularly and Take Turns Listening. Step 2 places an emphasis on creating a consistent thread of meaningful communication that you can sustain at all times - specially during busy and stressful times.
I am continually surprised by the variation in the amount of time couples spend talking to each other. Some couples barely see each other during the week. Taking an extra five minutes a day to talk is perceived as a stressful added burden. Other couples say they talk frequently, maybe phoning three or four times from the office, chatting as they organize their day in the morning and again at lunchtime - and then spending time together or with their family in the evening. With some couples, both partners work from home, giving them constant opportunity for interaction.
Through my research, I've seen that the amount of time partners talk - the actual number of minutes or hours - does not always translate into quality of conversation or liveliness of the interchange. Even when couples chat a lot during the day about mundane things - the weekly schedule, what to have for supper, and Suzy's snuffling nose - they are not necessarily dlscussing anything meaningful to either of them, such as their desires, longings, or dreams.
Even everyday things that are important to each of them as individuals, such as a stress at the office, a unique experience, or a simple need for attention, may go unshared when couples have busy schedules and especially if they have young children. It's not possible, or even necessary, to share all your thoughts and feelings or have frequent deep discussions about desires and dreams. However, when couples don't talk often enough about things that are important to them, they lose the special connection that comes from having a thread of communication unique to the two of them.
By implementing Step 2 of this program, you will develop a simple and consistent thread of communication that nurtures your partnership and fosters an environment in which to easily and safely share your everyday experiences, thoughts, and feelings, as well as your passions and dreams.
How Many Minutes a Day Do You Really Talk to Each Other?
Mohammed and Sari are busy professionals with erratic schedules. They have been married for nearly seven years and have an energetic preschool-aged son they take turns caring for with some help from a nanny a few times each week.
When they first approached me to help their troubled relationship, they were frustrated with each other, angry and resentful that their needs were not being met, In their first session, they turned their bodies away from each other, had almost no eye contact, and showed no physical affection. They talked resentfully as though the other person was not even in the room.
Sari retreated into silence. Mohammed's talk frequently became heated and verbose. When prompted, they spoke of the early days of their relationship - before having a child and a house in need of remodeling - when they had stimulating conversations about everything from current events to a love of movies and music they shared to career and relationship aspirations. They loved to travel and indulged this passion often. They explored friendships with interesting people who shared their love of art and culture.
When I asked them how much time they spent talking each day, they quickly said it was sporadic and depended on their often-conflicting work schedules. When I asked them what they talked about and how these conversations proceeded, they reported that sometimes discussions were "about more superficial things, often smooth, and even had some humor and playfulness," but at other times these discussions "easily deteriorated into disagreement, anger, then silence for hours or days." As a rule, Mohammed and Sari communicated mainly about daily to-do lists and their son.
Once the initial honeymoon phase has faded and two people have lived together for a few years or once children have come along, a couple spends much less time talking about truly personal and meaningful things. Stresses and demands of daily life become the maior focus in many households, Hushands, wives, mothers, fathers, and children come and go with little time to fi~cus on one another. With little opportunity to share more deeply, couples stop getting to know each other. Because we are always growing and changing as individuals, it is easy to drift apart if there is no ongoing thread of communication, This leaves couples more vulnerable to loneliness, depression, anger, anti frustration. It also leaves couples seeking attention outside of the relationship.
We'll continue Part 2 at the next blog post. At mean time, if you want to pull back your ex or learn the techniques to save your relationship, you can get Pull Your Ex Back today!
