You want to rehabilitate or rejuvenate your relationship. You've just been introduced to the Relighting Romance Style. Theoretically, it may sound wonderful - just what you desire - but easier said than done. "Sounds good, but how do we get from 'here' to 'there'?" you ask. You will do it by taking it one step at a time. The next step is to remember the good things that brought you together in the first place.
For the next few posts, you will learn about Quotes About Romance Step 1: Increase the Positive Between You. You will be guided to remember the positive interactions that brought you together and to reflect on why you may have discontinued your courtship. If you have been fighting, you will be asked to stop fighting for now while you learn a more effective way of resolving your problems. To rehab or reinvigorate your relationship, focusing on the positive will prepare you for the partnering tools and new solutions you will develop as you work through all 10 Steps later.
As you become consciously aware ofyour positive impact on the relationship, you will feel empowered to create a safe and nurturing environment even when there are issues to discuss or outside stresses. By emphasizing the positive, you will naturally feel good about yourself, your partner, and your relationship - and you'll have more energy to face any issues together.
How the 5-to-1 Ratio Affects Every Couple
One of the ways couples have been studied over the last thirty years is in a laboratory setting, sometimes with observers taking notes behind a one-way mirror; at other times the couples are videotaped. In either approach, specific behaviors are then methodically counted and analyzed for their impact on the overall quality of the relationship. Ultimately, these studies search for ways to help couples maximize the positives that help relationships endure.
In the 1990s, such meticulous observation from a number of well-known research labs around the country yielded a wealth of data to back up the therapy and coaching methods many professionals were successfully, and sometimes not so successfully, using.
One of the most consistently published and publicized professionals bringing forth this valuable data is John M. Gottman, PhD, the cofounder and codirector of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute and professor of psychology at the University of Washington. He has studied thousands of couples and is able to predict with 87 percent accuracy which marriages are headed for divorce within three years. He is also 81 percent accurate in predicting which marriages will survive after seven to nine years.
As summarized in his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, one of the major factors in the endurance of relationships is the number of times certain behaviors are exhibited. High on Gottman's list of couple-success factors are positive feelings and interactions that nourish a relationship and fortify it in times of outside stress.
According to Gottman,
The magic ratio is 5-to-1. In other words, as long as there is five times as much positive feeling and interaction between husband and wife as there is negative, we found the marriage was likely to be stable. It was based on this ratio that we were able to predict whether couples were likely to divorce: In very unhappy couples, there tended to be more negative than positive interaction.
He goes on to identify negative emotions as, among others, anger, contempt, criticism, and defensiveness. The positive side of the equation is defined as showing interest, affection, appreciation, concern, and empathy; being accepting; joking around when it is fun for both; and sharing joy. In Gottman's research, it doesn't matter how much arguing there is overall; what matters is that the positive interactions far outshine any negativity.
How the 5-to-1 Ratio Makes Your Partnership Rock-Solid
We all know that when we are in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship, we engage in our best behavior. We are "tuned in" and attentive to the other person as a new friendship or love relationship develops. Positive interactions are typically very high. While we are not consciously aware of keeping the negatives low, we unconsciously try to show our best side. This ratio of high positives in the beginning of any relationship is what keeps us coming back for more.
Jaime and Jonathan began their relationship with just such a scenario, but by the time they came to see me, they described an erratic emotional connection. They had dated for two years before they married. Their first daughter was born within a year, and the second arrived within two years. Now, ten years later, Jaime runs her own research and consulting business from home. Jonathan is a middle manager at a local firm. They both agree that their relationship has been a committed one, but it has run hot and cold ever since they were engaged. They talked about stretches of time when relating was smooth. Jaime volunteered,
During those times we get along, the house and schedules run well. We even have a lot of playfulness together, and with the kids. Of course, there's more sex!
Jonathan added,
And then we seem to hit a wall. I don't know why it keeps happening. One of us gets hurt or angry, or an old issue resurfaces. Then the cold war starts. Of course I always think she starts it, but when it's over I know that isn't true. Sometimes it goes on for a few days, and sometimes it can stretch into two weeks. We each want the other person to apologize or warm up, but we are both pretty stubborn people. I don't even know what makes us get over it, but eventually we do. Maybe the problems go underground and we just go on. We really like each other, so eventually we give up the silent fight. I just wish we'd get over it sooner, and maybe get to the bottom of what is bugging us.
Jaime for the most part shared Jonathan's concerns:
We'd both like to figure this out. It's tiring, and I get lonelier and lonelier every time it happens. I think this is because life is pretty demanding as the girls get older and our schedules include all of their activities as well as our own. The kids notice it too. I'd just like this to smooth out. Besides, he's my buddy - except when I'm upset and shut down or he's aloof and ignoring me.
When I asked Jaime and Jonathan to talk about what drew them together ten years ago, they took turns quickly coming up with substantial lists of things they liked about each other and enjoyed doing together. Jaime cited Jonathan's little courtesies, like opening doors for her or bringing her flowers, and she loved his sense of humor: "Gosh, could he make me laugh! He still does, when we are getting along."
Jonathan recalled how upbeat she was and how she made him feel special: "She was interested in knowing everything about me; I loved the way she looked at me."
"And what about intelligence, depth, and attraction?" I prompted, seeing that they were both good-looking, fit, and smart. Jaime laughed,
Oh that! I take it for granted that he's smart. I couldn't be with a man unless he was a thinker. Jonathan is thoughtful, bright, and we share the same values. I've never stopped thinking he is a hunk!
Jonathan interjected,
Jaime is downright beautiful, even in her jeans or sweats. I've always thought so. I guess I just don't tell her often enough anymore.
In the beginning, Jaime and Jonathan's positive interactions far outweighed their negative interactions - just as John Gottman advises. So they knew how to be more positive with each other; they just needed to put into practice what they already knew. Their assignment was to achieve five or more positive interactions for every negative one. Doing so empowered them to quickly improve their relationship and put it back on a positive track in a way that took very little effort. Consistently feeling better about themselves and each other then helped them create a stronger, and even happier, partnership in the months to come as they learned the Relighting Romance approach.
Just like Jaime and Jonathan, we know that during the honeymoon phase, couples put their best foot forward. We also know that the longer we interact with another person, the closer we become and the more we reveal aspects of our personality, attitudes, and behavior. As the honeymoon wanes, we gradually feel more comfortable, letting down our guard.
At the same time, the longer we know someone - especially the one we are closest to - the more often we take each other for granted. It is not unusual for people to treat colleagues and acquaintances with more kindness and respect than those they live with and love the most. It is not uncommon to see friends or workmates receiving the best time and the most high-quality interactions, while mate and family members receive the leftovers.
So is your relationship suffering? Your spouse, or ex is about to leave you soon? You can get Pull Your Ex Back and learn the tricks to win them back right away.
In our next post, we'll continue to talk about how you can improve your relationship in Step 1 - Quotes About Romance.
