The following are excerpts from first sessions with couples whose lack of positive interactions emphasized the negative:
Sarah and Will had been married for nine years, but Sarah found herself increasingly unhappy with their Traditional Style relationship:
Will frequently comes home late from work, and I'm disappointed when he misses a great dinner I've prepared. Sometimes he even forgets the kids' baseball games. They are always so proud when he shows up, but I can tell they try not to get their hopes up, because we just can't count on him these days, He puts work first.
Ramona's eleven-year marriage to Carl was a Merged/Roommate Style before they learned Relighting Romance Partnering. Here, she noted how the relationship shifted from high positives to a preponderance of negatives:
Carl was such a gentleman when we first knew each other. He'd not only open doors and spend time with me, but he actually talked to me every day - like he really wanted to and enjoyed it. Now all he does is joke about my weight or talk sarcastically about my work. He gets lost in the television or some household chore when I want more time for talk and affection.
Conversely, Paul, married thirteen years to Lynette, assessed their relationship style as strictly Roommate:
Lynette cleans house every night, long after I've gone to bed. I feel like she puts the chores before me--and I feel ignored. She always says she'll come to bed early, and I know she feels guilty. But she doesn't change her behavior.
Other couples note that while their partners are still playful and funny with friends and colleagues, that same bond that once connected them as a couple has vanished, replaced by a willful distance. Maybe you recognize such diminishing positives in your relationship.
As these couples demonstrate, when negative interactions in a relationship outweigh positive, partners usually feel unappreciated. At first some partner's may not notice or react to a lack of positive interaction - or to a lack of any interaction at all. Over time, however, a lack of positives brings out feelings of sadness, rejection, withdrawal, and eventually depression or anger or both.
Typically this behavior begins a negative pattern as the partner who is hurting tries to reach out for connection, sometimes gently at first, but eventually turns to other negative interactions such as angry outbursts or demands for attention.
The partner who has withdrawn affection and appreciation may have angry, defensive outbursts in return or may shut down even further. Either way, such negative interactions quickly snowball and spiral downward. They become a repetitive cycle of withdrawal or a vicious cycle of shaming, blaming, criticizing, and anger toward each other.
You Hold the Key
No couple wants to be caught in such a cycle of negativity - and you can get yourself out of this predicament. By consistendy creating and maintaining positive feelings, and then building on those good feelings, the Relighting Romance approach will help you avoid or break out of such a negative pattern. When we stop nourishing our relationship - when we put our love relationship last on the list of priorities - love, and the ultimate success of our most important relationship, is at stake.
TIP: In keeping with the research on successful relationships, Relighting Romance maintains a 5-to-1 ratio or better of positive-to-negative interactions, This is their insurance policy, the emotional savings account that sustains them during times of stress. It is their consistent investment that reflects the high priority they give their partnership.
In Relighting Romance, if you have one argument, or one tense or stressful interaction within a day or a week, you need at least five positive interactions within that same period of time. If you have four difficult, heated, or argumentative interactions, you need twenty positive interactions.
A positive interaction may be a hug, a pat on the back, making a nice dinner, doing a favor, making love, saying something nice to your partner, being willing to resolve a difficult situation by staying "present" in a conversation,
and so on. Positive interactions that outweigh negative ones are defined as those considered positive in the eyes of you and your partner.
Going to a B&B for the weekend, gifts, or flowers do count as positives in this equation. In most couples I see, however, the positives that really matter are the small acts of kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity - going out of your way for an errand, coming home early from the office, making that extra phone call home to check in, taking time for sex even if the house needs cleaning.
Please Your Partner and Increase Your Pleasure Together
Sometimes couples are in great upheaval or pain. They may have significant issues that they are attempting to resolve. They may mistakenly imagine that it helps to discuss these issues repeatedly and constantly. They want to resolve the problem but it is not working. They argue a topic over and over until they can no longer do anything pleasant together. In this situation, a couple's positive-to-negative ratio is totally unbalanced, and their relationship nourishment is empty, inhibiting resolution.
If you are in this negative pattern it may feel difficult to refocus yourselves as a couple, to reverse the positive-to-negative ratio. You may be afraid the issues will never be addressed. Be reassured that the issues will be attended to in time. First, however, you must nourish your relationship by implementing Step 1, expanding the positive interactions between you.
If you are willing to lay down your arms, put your fights on hold, and increase the positive interactions, you will calm your relationship and start to feel more connected again. Then you can learn more tools to revisit what has been difficult between you in a more effective and productive and successful way.
Your relationship may be stronger and less stressful than the couples I have just described. Even if that's the case, however, it is crucial to continue to nourish your relationship. Without positive feelings, we have less desire to give or to work on problematic areas. We succumb to waiting for the other person to change first. A nourishing environment of positive feelings gives us the energy to deal with situations that arise. What appeared to be a big issue or problem suddenly seems doable, smaller, less threatening. We feel more spontaneous and playful. Our relationship feels sweeter, juicier.
We all know what to do to please our partners. Each of us has a wealth of experience. Once the honeymoon is over, however, some people act as if they forgot, don't know, or don't remember what makes their partner happy, even though they have observed happy, excited, or pleased responses at other times during their relationship.
When I challenge couples on this point, asking them to make lists or say out loud the things that please their partner, they come up with at least four or five items they are sure of. This is a start. If they have forgotten what pleases their partner, I encourage them to ask.
When you go out of your way to do something that pleases your partner, you both can reap the benefits.
In Relighting Romance, partners are encouraged to have a healthy repertoire of "positives" they can carry out and interchange regularly, so that positive interactions become like breathing - natural, regular, easy, and always nourishing the two people involved.
Stop Fighting for Now
As you work to rejuvenate your most important love relationship, I am going to ask those of you who fight about issues that remain unresolved to stop fighting for now. If your fights are frequently unresolved, it means you do not yet have the tools to be successful working together. As you work toward becoming Relighting Romance, you will practice the 10 Steps you'll learn later. These are steps you can use for a lifetime - to calm your relationship, increase the positive feelings between you, and then communicate in new ways about previously unresolved differences.
Once you stop fighting and feel more positive, you will learn the tools to tackle your unresolved problems and issues. These 10 Steps will help you re-approach any issues that have been problematic. Built into the 10 Steps are new and safe ways to talk about difficult topics. As you proceed, some differences or disagreements may even seem less problematic. For the time being, bite your tongues, write in your notebook, go for a walk, and, most important, make a pact with each other to learn how to communicate betterm to communicate for resolution and with imagination as you go through this process.
If you have been fighting, you will be directed to sign a pact to stop fighting for now. You will individually make a list of the topics that you are fighting about, unresolved issues, and anything you want to be different between you. You will not share this list. Instead, you will put this list and these fights aside for a few weeks while you learn and practice new ways of connecting. We will revisit these lists later in this program as you turn your problems into goals and action plans so they can be mutually resolved.
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