- how to listen to each other and make decisions together;
- new ways to connect and stay connected;
- how to balance individuality and mutuality or inter-dependence - so you develop the best in yourself and what is most satisfying in your partnership;
- how to create what you want together.
Two People, One Journey
In the Relighting Romance Style, you mutually create three worlds, which are encompassed in a larger partnering universe.
In Relighting Romance, your relationship is
- supported and strengthened by your commitments;
- nurtured by positive feelings, regular talking and listening, and essentials that build trust and connection,
- strengthened by your uniqueness--two lives, needs, desires, and dreams---which you bring to the relationship;
- solidified as you come together to create a mutually satisfying Our World: your issues and concerns, dreams, and desires go on the table for discussion," only win/ win solutions go into Our World.
The center circle - Our World - encompasses the mutually chosen and mutually created aspects of your life as a couple that only two unique human beings can build together.
The Our World circle represents the healthy interdependence you can have while retaining your individuality and some independence. The parts of your life that you share and enjoy together are in Our World. They are like the glue for your relationship. The Our World circle can include kids, house, mutual friends, finances, travel and vacation plans, hobbies or learning activities, religious or spiritual activities, exercising together, and so on.
Our World contains elements that each couple agrees on together. Nothing goes into Our World unless it is a win/win, mutually satisfying decision.
You will notice in the diagram that there is a field surrounding the three worlds. This area is not a dead space. It is meant to represent the many positive behaviors and communications that keep your emotional connection alive.
Outside of that field is a larger circle of commitments that protect your special relationship. Each element is indispensable in the Relighting Romance universe.
You will also notice in the diagram a table just outside the Our World circle. This symbolizes the Relighting Romance approach to communication and to reaching an agreement together. Rather than putting your concerns, disagreements, or differences between you, where they cause you to blame or become angry with and disconnected from each other, in Relighting Romance each partner brings thoughts, concerns, needs, wants, and desires to the table, where they are freely discussed as partnership concerns until the two of you amve at a mutual decision about how you want to act.
Here's an example: Milo and Irina have been married thirteen years and have three children. Whenever Milo has a big decision to make about his work life, such as schedule or benefit changes that may affect his family, he brings it home and talks it over with Irina before committing to any major changes.
He and Irina try to make all such major decisions together. "It may take us a little longer to talk everything over," he said, "but in the long run we are both happier. We are a family, and my job is, in many ways, 'our job.' Irina's happiness and the stability of our three kids is important to me. I value her opinion and really want her support in everything I do. So, we make these kinds of decisions together."
Unlike the previously described models of relating, in the Relighting Romance Style one world does not take away from another. Irina describes other aspects of their lives that she and Milo freely decide on - together, in the case of major decisions, such as finances, choice of schools for their children, or holiday plans with relatives, and separately, in the case of minor ones, such as calling the refrigerator repair technician or the youngest having a spontaneous sleepover with neighbor kids. They each realize that by choosing to be Relighting Romance, no final decision is made if they are in disagreement about anything. The topic stays on the table for further discussion while they find other options that are mutually satisfying, win/win choices. That way, disagreements never stop or divide them. Irina said.
I feel secure in knowing that we make all the major decisions together. We emigrated from Russia just after we were married, and I was pregnant. At the time we needed to be very connected - on everything - just to survive in this new country. We really learned how to work together. Over time, as we have become acclimated and at home here, we each have lots of separate activities - not only with the kids, but we are very social and have friends individually and couple friends together. Now that our six-year-old is in school, I have a part-time job, and this is my spending money separate from the family account.
Milo takes his own allowance for his activities. I like to take pottery classes, and he is studying how to tutor other immigrants coming into the country. Along with our active kids, it makes for an exciting mix in our marriage!
In Relighting Romance, having two strong individual worlds, as Irina and Milo have, and an Our World together, is important. By learning and following the 10 Steps of Relighting Romance, summarized in the next post, you will learn how all three worlds can coexist harmoniously. Using this approach, you will practice developing and balancing all three worlds in order to enjoy a richer and more rewarding relationship.
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