How To Get A Lost Love Back - Renewing Marital Commitment

How To Get A Lost Love Back

Sue and Jon agreed to follow my four rules to guide their marital recovery when they first began to reconcile. Without these rules, I don't think their marriage would have survived. Couples who try to reconcile without these rules usually fail to address the issues that created the affair in the first place. Before long they find themselves back in the same hopeless marriage, tempted to engage in another affair. But the four rules enabled Sue and Jon to overcome the conditions that made her affair possible. And the new conditions that were created affair-proofed their marriage.
 
At first, the four rules seemed very restrictive and unnatural. That's true of most things that are new - it takes a while to get used to them. Not only were these rules new for Sue and Jon, they also contradicted most of their instincts. When they first married, they believed that they could trust their instincts. But their instincts had led them to disaster. The four rules did something their instincts couldn't do - led Sue and Jon to marital recovery.
 
And what a recovery it was! I'll let Sue explain how she felt about it.

Sue's Side of the Story
 
I'll be honest with you. At first, I didn't believe that any of these little rules would do me any good, but I went along with them because I had no other choice. Greg, the one I thought was mysoul mate, had left me because I just couldn't shake my depression, and he finalIy gave up on me. So with Greg out of the picture, I could either try to get back together with Jon or start a new relationship from the beginning. I couldn't imagine starting a new relationship, so I figured I had nothing to lose by giving Jon a second chance. I figured I owed him at least that. But I had no feelings for him at all. In fact I was repulsed by the idea of being in bed with him again.
 
The rules we were supposed to follow were easier than I thought, especially since l couldn't be with Greg, even if l was tempted. I realized at the time that if Greg had called to take me back, I would have jumped at the chance to be with him again. But he never called. How To Get A Lost Love Back
 
Since I was willing to give our marriage a chance, spending time with Jon was what I had expected to do anyway. And the rules made our time together much more enjoyable than it would have been without the rules. These rules were there to keep us from making each other unhappy and they encouraged us to have a good time.
 
After about a week, I was feeling a lot better about my decision to live with Jon again and I started feeling less depressed. The time we spent together was not exciting but it wasn't unpleasant either. We were not allowed to discuss my affair, and that made everything much less stressful. I couldn't imagine ever loving Jon again but I began to see how we could live together, at least until the children were grown.
 
The goal for us was passion, something that I just didn't think would ever be possible. For the first few weeks, even though Jon was doing everything by the book, my feelings for him did not change. I thought of him as a friend, but not as a lover. Feeling that he was my friend was encouraging, though.
 
We continued to follow the rules and spent most of Jon's free time together. At times I resented giving Jon so much of my time but l flgured it was a small price to pay if it would really bring our family back together.
 
Then one day I really felt something for Jon. It was something l hadn't felt for him in years and I was very excited. We made love with passion for the first time in over two years, and I felt as if we had never been away from each other. I loved Jon as much as I had ever loved Greg.
 
Unfortunately the next day the feeling was gone. Before we had the rules to follow, I would have lied to Jon about my loss of love for him. I used to think it was my marital obligation to tell him I loved him, but l didn't lie this time. I told him that my feelings for him were gone. How To Get A Lost Love Back
 
Jon handled the situation better than he would have before he knew about the rules. He realized that my feelings for him would eventually return if he kept depositing love units. That put much less pressure on me, and I felt more at ease when we were together.
 
Then, a few days later, I felt love for Jon again. I was prepared for these cyclic feelings. I was told that when Jon deposited a certain number of love units into his account with me, that would trigger my feeling of love for Jon. When the account was above that point, I would be in love with him, and when it was below that point, the feeling of love would not be there.
 

And that's exactly what happened. As Jon kept depositing love units, slowly but surely the days I loved Jon increased in number, and the days I didn't love him decreased. I still have a hard time believing that love units could make such a difference in how I feel. I have always cared about Jon but I now understand that my feeling of passion toward him depends on how well he meets my emotional needs. And I also understand why l felt so much passion for Greg. It was because he had met my needs, not because he was really my soul mate. My real soul mate is the man I married, Jon. And now he stirs the same passion in me that Greg used to arouse.
 
When I felt passion for Greg, I was convinced that he was the one I was meant to be with. Since I did not have the same feeling for Jon, l believed l had married the wrong man. But now l know that Jon was right for me all along.
 
I don't like to think about the nightmare I've been through. Even now, as I reflect on what happened, I start feeling depressed again. I am so grateful to Jon for waiting for me until I came to my senses. He could have left me because of everything I did. But instead, he kept reaching out to me, and that kept me from falling headlong into a pit that I don't think I could have ever survived. It was his strength that made up for my weakness, and I will always be grateful to him for his patience and commitment to me. 

Sue, obviously, was happy with the outcome of their recovery. But what about Jon? How did he feel about everything he'd been through? To learn more, you can check out How To Get A Lost Love Back.

Restoring Trust In A Relationship After Infidelity - How To Restore Trust

Restoring Trust In A Relationship After Infidelity

An emotional reaction closely related to resentment is the loss of trust. After an affair, a betrayed spouse not only feels resentful about the way he or she was hurt by the wayward spouse, but the betrayed spouse also feels that he or she can never trust that wayward spouse again. And without trust, how can a marriage ever be fulfilling?
 
Trust is the belief that our spouse will be honest with us and will protect our feelings. In other words, trust assumes that our spouse will follow the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection. Before Sue's affair, Jon had trusted her to be honest with him and to avoid doing anything that would hurt him. More to the point, he had trusted Sue to avoid having an affair. But she had proven to be dishonest. She had looked right into Jon's eyes and lied to him. Then, faced with undeniable evidence, she had grudgingly and defensively admitted to one lie after another, but it was rarely accompanied by an apology. Considering her obvious failure to be honest and protect Jon's feelings, could he ever trust her again?
 

One reason I had Jon and Sue learn to follow the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection was so they could restore their trust in each other. Those two rules encapsulated the meaning of trust, and by learning to follow those rules, they would learn to trust each other again. Restoring Trust In A Relationship After Infidelity
 
I have counseled many spouses who refuse to follow the Rule of Protection. In other words, they admit that they are willing to let their spouse suffer so they can get what they want. When the spouse of an alcoholic complains that drinking causes unhappiness, he or she drinks anyway. Workaholics do the same thing. Their spouse's feelings have little effect on their decisions. They do what they want, regardless of the negative effect on their spouse.
 
Whenever someone's spouse is unwilling to follow the Rule of Protection, I explain to that person that their spouse should not be trusted. Why? Because we trust those who are willing and able to protect our feelings, and someone unwilling to follow the Rule of Protection is unwilling to protect our feelings. That person may have never had an affair, may not be an alcoholic, a workaholic, or any other kind of "aholic." That person may have never done anything to upset his or her spouse, but the unwillingness to follow the Rule of Protection means that it's only a matter of time before thoughtlessness rears its ugly head.
 
Sue and Jon had never understood trust that way before. They had always thought of trust as something you simply did when you were married. You had to trust your spouse. But I explained that trust grows as each spouse shows himself or herself to be trustworthy. Unless both of them were willing to follow the Rule of Honesty and Rule of Protection, they should not trust each other. On the other hand, as soon as they both followed those rules, they could trust each other immediately.

Of course, trust cannot be turned on and off like a light switch, and they both had to prove that they were trustworthy. By following the Rule of Honesty and Rule of Protection they would eventually prove their trustworthiness to each other. Restoring Trust In A Relationship After Infidelity 

If someone who has a long history of dishonesty and thoughtlessness agrees to the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection, that person is on his or her way to becoming trustworthy, in spite of past history. As he or she learns how to be honest and learns how to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (the essence of the Rule of Protection), it's only a matter of time before the person's spouse trusts him or her.
 

How could Jon be certain that Sue would not have another affair? How could he ever trust her again? It could happen only as they based their relationship on the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection as a demonstration of their trustworthiness. Sue was learning to be completely honest with Jon, and that prevented the creation of a secret second life - an essential ingredient of an affair. She was also firmly committed to taking Jon's feelings into account with every decision she made, and that also made an affair impossible.
 
Many wayward spouses have demanded that the betrayed spouse trust them. They argue that without that trust their marriage cannot thrive. They are not using that argument to build their marriage, but rather to get their way. They don't follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, asking how their spouse would feel about their decisions but they insist that the spouse trust their judgment. They don't tell their spouse what they are doing in their secret second life but they want the spouse to believe that it is not anything harmful to the marriage. Wanting trust in these situations is simply an effort to get away with thoughtlessness and dishonesty.
 
But trust can be achieved when a wayward spouse has proven willingness and ability to follow the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection. A willingness to follow those rules, along with the months that it takes to prove the ability to follow them, creates a trust that does not have to be demanded. It comes effortlessly. To learn more, you can check out Restoring Trust In A Relationship After Infidelity.

How To Get The One You Love Back - Living With Memory Of Affair

How To Get The One You Love Back

When a couple tries to reconcile after an affair, they may try to forgive and forget. But while all may be forgiven, all is not forgotten. It is impossible to forget a spouse's unfaithfulness, unless all memory goes along with it. But one of the most remarkable discoveries of my career as a marriage counselor is that in spite of the memory of an affair, marriages can thrive.
 
Before infidelity actually happens, most couples think they could not continue in a marriage after an affair. The memories would be too painful. But what people think they will do with a wayward spouse isn't what they usually do. Surprisingly enough, after the dust settles, most couples I've counseled try to reconcile. Even though the memory can't be erased, they can survive the affair and create a thriving marriage. But what do they do with the resentment they feel as they try to reconcile?

The More There Is to Resent, the More Difficult Resentment Is to Overcome
 
Betrayed spouses almost always feel resentment. Both Jon and Lee were resentful about their spouse's affair. But Kevin's decisiveness in ending his affair early gave Lee much less to resent, and her resentment was easier to overcome. Sue's vacillation between Greg and Jon, and then her eventual separation from Jon, greatly increased Jon's suffering and his reasons to be resentful. How To Get The One You Love Back
 
When it became apparent that Sue's affair would not end as quickly as most, I encouraged Jon to avoid seeing or talking to her until her affair was over (my plan B). The reason I encouraged him to avoid Sue while her affair was going on was to minimize his resentment. By avoiding Sue entirely, he had fewer memories of her affair when she was finally ready to reconcile. Although this step helped to minimize Jon's painful experiences, Sue's irresponsible behavior still made his resentment both overwhelming and inevitable.
 
An emotional reaction to a painful event fades over time, as long as that painful event is not repeated. But the more it is repeated, the more firmly fixed the memory becomes. In Jon's case, the painful events of Sue's affair were repeated again and again, and with each blow, his resentment was intensified.
 
I offered Jon and Sue a plan for reconciliation after the affair, but I knew the plan wouldn't work if Jon wasn't able to handle his feelings of resentment that were certain to accompany his reconciliation with Sue. If feelings of resentment are not dealt with correctly, they can ruin an otherwise stunning recovery.

Focusing on the Present and Future Can Help Diminish Resentment
 
As I've already said, we can never completely forget a spouse's betrayal, but we can make an effort not to dwell on that painful event. As we spend less and less time thinking about the betrayal, the memory of it will fade, along with the resentment we feel.
 
One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in the flood of painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming to therapy for the rest of their lives. I believe that resolving issues of the past is an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot learn to feel good about something that caused us pain.
 
Instead, as a therapist, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because we can do something about them. The past is impossible to change. Why waste our effort on things we have no control over, when we can put that same effort into plans that will bring us a fulfilling future? Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but we must learn the lessons and then move on.
 
I believe this focus on the future is the way to deal with feelings of resentment. Let me illustrate this through Jon's experience. When Jon expressed to me his resentment about the way Sue had treated him, I told him that we would put the issue of his resentment on hold as we focused on ways he and Sue could avoid making the same mistakes in the future. I asked him to trust my judgment and wait to see what happened to his resentment after his marriage had a chance to recover.
 
Only on rare occasions do I need to help a betrayed spouse overcome resentment after marital recovery. I've found that when marriages recover completely, using my four rules, resentment almost always fades away. And that's what happened to Jon. By postponing discussions about resentment, we put off an issue that took care of itself. How To Get The One You Love Back
 
When the four rules to guide marital recovery are followed, the couple avoid Love Busters, they meet each other's emotional needs, they spend time together, and they are honest with each other. That will eliminate the root causes of infidelity. But if the four rules are not followed, recovery will not be complete - needs will not be met and Love Busters will persist. Then resentment is created In the present, which triggers resentment of the past.

Avoid Using Resentment as a Love Buster 

Resentment and Love Busters have a great deal in common. Love Busters, particularly angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands, are ways we may be tempted to react once we feel resentful. In other words, resentment is a feeling, and Love Busters are tempting reactions to that feeling.
 
There are many who react to their feeling of resentment by inflicting punishment on their spouse for past sins. They express their "feeling" as an angry outburst. But it is pure and simple abuse, disguised as the expression of honest feelings. No spouse has the right to punish the other spouse, and when resentment is felt, an angry outburst must be avoided at all costs.

Some react to resentment by making demands on their spouse. Sadly the tactic often works. The spouse will give in to the demand because he or she feels guilty about having had the affair. It's a Love Buster because it makes the spouse who must meet the demand very unhappy.
 
I received a letter from a woman who had had an affair ten years earlier. She said that whenever she and her husband had an argument or she was reluctant to have sex. he would bring up the fact that she had an affair. Being reminded of her affair would throw her off balance emotionally and make her feel guilty. To avoid his anger, and soothe her guilty feelings she usually gave in to his demands.

I advised the woman to look her husband right in the eye and say to him, Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, you sure are going about it the wrong way. I will not give you what you want when you try to make me feel guilty. If you want to make love to me more often, let's negotiate. But what l did is in the past. Please do not bring it up any more. I will not let you treat me this way because it will ruin my love for you.
 

My advice to her husband is to avoid mentioning the affair again. When you keep bringing up your spouse's past mistakes, not only do you make your conversation incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict that you may be discussing.
 
Sometimes when a person can't seem to let go of an unpleasant thought, it is because that thought is somehow helpful to him or her. Even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets the person something. The letter writer's husband is a good example of this technique. The thought of his wife's affair was unpleasant but it was useful - bringing it up got him what he wanted. If the wife makes sure her husband never gets what he wants when he brings up the affair, he will eventually let go of his resentment because it is no longer useful to him.
 
Jon was very tempted to use Love Busters in response to his feelings of resentment. But he understood how important it was for him to restore Sue's feelings of love for him and he knew that Love Busters would make her hate him, not love him. So he resisted angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands, even when his feelings of resentment seemed overwhelming. To learn more, you can check out How To Get The One You Love Back.
 

How To Have Trust In A Relationship - Don't Create Love Busters

How To Have Trust In A Relationship

Not only can a spouse's reaction to honesty be a Love Buster, but the honest revelation can actually be a Love Buster in disguise.
 
What if you were to express your unhappiness by throwing a lamp and crying out, You never have time for me anymore. I don't know why I ever married you, you selfish jerk. You might get points for honesty but they'd all be lost because of your angry outburst. It does no good to express genuine feelings if your spouse is running for cover.
 

Instead of getting angry, you might say, I'm the least important person in your fife. Your priorities are certainly screwed up. You seem to think that money is more important than I am. That may be your honest opinion, but you are wrapping it in a disrespectful judgment - you are telling your spouse how he or she feels. The truth is that you don't know how your spouse feels, unless he or she tells you.
 
Or you might say, if you don't start spending more time with me soon, l'll find someone else to spend time with and you'll be sleeping with your money. That's a selfish demand. It's an ultimatum with a threat of punishment if the demand is not met.
 
There are better ways to express your honesty. For example, I become upset when I'm left alone at night, l'd love to spend more time with you. Can we talk about ways to make this happen? These are honest statements of your feelings, because you are telling your spouse how you feel and what you would like and you are suggesting the creation of a plan to see that it happens.
 
Sometimes it feels awkward to avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands. If you are in the habit of using these Love Busters to try to get your way, they may seem to be a part of your normal conversation. But anyone can learn to avoid them if a concerted effort is made to drive them out completely. And once they are no longer a part of your conversation, the chances that your spouse will listen to you and grant your requests are greatly increased.

If you are to be honest with your spouse, you must be willing to reveal your feelings but you must reveal them without Love Busters. That way honesty will help your marriage instead of hurting it.
 
Honesty Means Being Persistent 

It is not true that Sue never told Jon how she felt. She occasionally said, I'm lonely. But Jon would say, Well, I don't know how we can pay the bills if I'm home all the time. Sue eventually stopped saying it but she continued to feel lonely. She just learned to live with it. Jon thought it was no longer a problem because Sue stopped talking about it.
 
Communication cannot happen unless two people are both expressing and receiving honest feelings, hearing and honoring complaints, and understanding and accepting important data. But it will often be the case that your complaints are not heard or the data you convey is not received. Then persistence is important. Your commitment to honesty does not end when you have reported a feeling. You must continue to express your feelings honestly until the problem is resolved. In other words, Sue should have confronted Jon on a regular basis because she was feeling lonely on a regular basis.

Sues repeated request for a resolution to her problem may seem like nagging, but there is a difference between repeating your negative emotional reactions and nagging. The difference is Love Busters. Nagging adds angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands to your honest expression. Expressing negative emotional reactions without Love Busters is fulfilling your commitment to honesty. When you tell your spouse that a problem has not yet been solved and the two of you need to keep thinking of solutions, you are being honest.
 
I encourage you to repeat that expression of dissatisfaction until your problem is solved. But do it in a cheerful and nonthreatening way.
 
Remember, honesty is essential for a successful marriage. Persistently sharing your honest feelings until a problem is solved is also essential. This combination gives a couple opportunities to make appropriate adjustments to each other that lead to mutual happiness. 

Managing Resentment And Restoring Trust 

Jon felt betrayed, deceived, abandoned, and very angry when he discovered Sue's affair. After all, it was hatched with full knowledge of the pain it would inflict on him. It reflected a total disregard for Jon's feelings, someone whom Sue had promised to cherish and protect for life.
 
At first, Jon could not imagine ever having a normal relationship with Sue again. The image of Sue in bed with Greg was not only sickening to him, but also infuriating. Resentment greatly understates what he actually felt whenever that memory came to his mind.
 
When Sue left him, she told him that she needed time to "sort out" her feelings. Jon knew what that meant - whoever made her feel the best, he or Greg, would win the prize of having her as a wife. The resentment that Jon felt seemed unbearable.
 
But there was more. After going back and forth a few times, trying to "get in touch" with her feelings, Sue tossed Jon out of his own home, separating him from his own children. And then, when the affair finally ended and Sue was rejected by her lover, she asked Jon to return. It wasn't Sue's choice; it was her lover's choice. Jon won by default. Resentment doesn't begin to describe Jon's angry reaction.
 

But remarkably, the resentment that a betrayed spouse feels does not usually lead to divorce. In fact most betrayed spouses, like Jon, are willing to reconcile in spite of their resentment. However, when these couples try to reconcile, resentment and the fear of a new affair often threaten the ultimate success of the recovery.
 
Resentment is a normal reaction to someone who has made you suffer. It is the way your emotions have of warning you to avoid people who have hurt you in the past - they may hurt you again in the future! But resentment can also be an irrational reaction to something that is no longer a real threat. Resentment itself may become a greater obstacle to your happiness than what it is you resent.
 
Most couples I have counseled know how damaging their feelings of resentment are to their happiness and to the future of their marriage. But some seem unable to stop it. It's an interesting subject for a psychologist who is supposed to know how to help people control their thoughts and emotions. But, I must admit, this is a tough reaction to control, especially when memories are so painful. Next post, I'll show you how to live with memory of an affair. Before that, you can check out How To Have Trust In A Relationship for more details.