Sue's new counselor suggested that her depression was caused by separating from her children. To help her overcome the depression, the counselor encouraged her to ask Jon to leave their home so she could return. She had been resisting that plan because she didn't want to hurt Jon any more than he had already been hurt. But she had become so depressed that in desperation, she took the counselor's advice and asked Jon to leave his home, which he reluctantly agreed to do.
Living at home with her children, however, did not alleviate Sue's depression. In fact her feeling of hopelessness seemed to intensify, so antidepressant medication was prescribed to help her cope with the pain.
Sue saw Greg regularly, but the good feelings she used to have when they were together became increasingly difficult to create. She felt a great deal of guilt and depression in spite of the therapy and the medication she was taking. Greg wanted her to file for divorce and marry him, but Sue resisted the idea. Deep down she knew that he was not what she wanted as a husband. He was great in the insulated bubble they had created during their affair, but in the real world, she saw huge problems on the horizon. Her children were very unhappy about the prospect of her divorce, and she knew that Greg would never be able to provide the standard of living she had come to enjoy. Already, when she had tried to get financial help from Greg, she found that he was not the generous man she had known when she didn't need much. They started fighting with each other for the first time, and it was about money.
Money wasn't their only conflict, though. There were many issues that seemed to pop out of nowhere. For example, the care of their children became a point of contention. During their affair, they tended to ignore their children when they were together so that they could give each other undivided attention. But now they found themselves ignoring each other when they were with the children. Their time together was no longer insulated and carefree. Instead, they spent their time trying to address the real problems that Sue's separation had created.
I knew that Sue would eventually lose her love for Greg if they spent time together in the real world instead of in their protective bubble. Greg really didn't have what it took to make a good husband for Sue, because he lacked the ability to meet some of the needs that Jon had been meeting. On the other hand, I felt that Jon could meet the needs that Greg had met, if Sue would give him a chance. Sue's feeling of love for Greg maintained her illusion that they would be great together. But they were really not that compatible, and living in the real world revealed this to her.
I was not sure that Sue would see the light quickly enough for her marriage to be saved. Her behavior took a great toll on her account in Jon's Love Bank. All of the love units she had deposited over the years of their marriage together were cascading out of his bank. Each time I spoke with him, he was becoming increasingly disinterested in saving the marriage, and he even wondered if he loved her anymore.
But before the year had ended, Sue and Jon's relationship got the break it needed. Sue discovered that Greg had developed a friendship with another woman. Up to that moment, Sue was very confused. She loved Greg, but couldn't imagine marrying him. That perpetual state of stress left her an emotional basket case, but she couldn't let go.
When she found out that Greg was cheating on her, however, the light dawned. It made a lot of sense to her that a man who was willing to have an affair with her would also be willing to cheat on her. Greg was no longer the knight in shining armor that she had loved and respected. After a fight to end all fights, where she called him every name in the book, and he responded by telling her that he had never thought much of her either, their relationship finally came to an end. Greg told Sue that he was in love with the other woman, someone without a husband or children, and he encouraged Sue to return to her husband.
Even after all that, Greg's leaving was devastating to Sue. She cried, begged him to reconsider, and threatened suicide. But too many love units had been withdrawn already, and he had lost his love for her. Her desperation withdrew even more, and it was hard for him to remember what he had ever seen in her.
Immediately after her fight with Greg, Sue, in desperation, called Jon and invited him to return home to her. He had been waiting months for that invitation and knew how to respond. He graciously accepted.
As soon as Jon moved back to their home, he found Sue to be as depressed as he had ever seen her. She slept all day and could hardly eat anything. The entire experience had just about destroyed her.
At some point, most affairs die a natural death. In some cases, it's the lover who ends the relationship, finding that the wayward spouse isn't living up to expectations. And in other cases, it's the wayward spouse who ends it, when the disadvantages of the affair begin to outweigh the advantages. Regardless of who ends the affair, it usually happens when the affair becomes more trouble than it's worth.
Occasionally a scorned lover will go berserk, call all hours of the day and night, file lawsuits, and create all kinds of trouble. But that's very rare. Affairs usually end quietly.
The vast majority of affairs, especially one-night stands and other affairs with low emotional attachment, are kept secret and never revealed to spouses. This is true even when children are born of an affair and a betrayed husband unwittingly raises a child he thinks is his.
Because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness, they rarely survive. The same self-centeredness that creates an affair is also responsible for its destruction, because no relationship can survive long without honesty and consideration. To find out more, you can check out Affairs Gone Bad.
