Sue, how could you do this to me? Jon's vision of Sue in bed with Greg was indelibly etched in his mind. He could not stop thinking about it and wanting to talk about it. What did I do to you that would cause you to hurt me so much?
At first, Sue tried to shut him up by telling him that her relationship with Greg was over, and that they should stop talking about the past. Jon desperately wanted to believe her. She made love to him almost every night for the first week in an attempt to prove that her affair was over and that she was in love with Jon. In an effort to give a convincing performance, she imagined that it was Greg in her arms.
Jon had asked good questions and he desperately needed good answers. Why did Sue have an affair? How did it ever get started? What are the conditions that set these disastrous events into motion, and once in motion why do they usually spin out of control?
How Could It Happen?
We begin our search for answers to these important questions by looking more closely at the players in this drama - Jon, Sue, and Greg. Each of them helped create the conditions that made the affair possible.
Jon's contribution was his failure to meet Sue's emotional needs. He worked long hours away from her and their children because he felt he was building a secure future for them. He didn't realize that his failure made Sue vulnerable to the first caring man to come into her life. How To Affairs Start
Sue's contribution was her failure to be honest. She did not tell Jon about her loss of passion for him and she was also dishonest about her developing passion for Greg. Her emotions warned her of the disaster that was to come, but she failed to pass that warning on to Jon.
Greg contributed to the affair by befriending a married woman. At first, he didn't intend to have an affair with Sue. He simply wanted to help her with her problems. His care for her seemed sensible and completely harmless. But his meeting the emotional needs that Jon had failed to meet caused Sue to fall in love with him.
Affairs meet important emotional needs. That's why, despite the suffering experienced by everyone involved, people become ensnared by them. And emotional needs are so powerful that whoever meets them can become irresistible. How To Affairs Start
What Are Emotional Needs?
An emotional need is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment and when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration. There are probably thousands of emotional needs - a need for parties, chocolate, football on TV, shopping - I could go on and on. Each of us has some of these needs and not others. But there are only a very few emotional needs that, when met by someone of the opposite sex, make us so happy that we risk having an affair with that person. I call those our most important emotional needs. Those are the ones that make us feel the happiest and most satisfied whenever they are met.
When a husband and wife come to me for help, I first identify their most important emotional needs - what makes each of them feel the best? Then I help them learn to meet those emotional needs for each other. If they learn to do it, they create a fulfilling marriage.
By privately discussing emotional needs with hundreds of men and women, I have discovered that there are ten emotional needs that are usually near the top of the list for most people: the need for admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment.
I have also made a revolutionary discovery that has helped me understand why it is so difficult for men and women to meet each other's needs. Whenever I ask couples to list these ten needs according to their priority, men list them one way and women the opposite way. The five emotional needs that men usually place at the top of their list are usually at the bottom of the list for women, and vice versa - the five most important emotional needs of women are usually the least important of men.
What an insight! No wonder men and women have so much difficulty meeting each other's needs! They are unable to empathize with each other. They feel like doing for each other what they would appreciate the most, but it turns out that their efforts are misdirected. What one spouse appreciates the most, the other usually appreciates the least!
Of course, everyone is somewhat unique. While men on average pick a particular five emotional needs and women on average pick the other five, any specific man or woman may pick other combinations. Therefore, I always encourage each spouse to decide what he or she appreciates the most. I never tell people what their emotional needs are. They always tell me. And when those particular needs are met, they will be in love with the one who meets them. To learn more, you can check out How To Affairs Start.
