2. Blocking Communication with a Lover
Even when a family has moved from one coast to the other, the telephone is readily available to make contact with a former lover. After the sacrifice of a job change or physical relocation, wayward spouses have been known to keep an affair alive through the phone, e-mail, pagers, and voice mail.
One man I counseled had ended his affair and was two months into marital recovery when his ex-lover sent him an e-mail. That was all it took to reignite the flame of their relationship, making it more intense and discreet than ever.
Since these forms of communication are a tempting way to make contact with an ex-lover, measures should be taken to make them difficult to use for that purpose. I suggest that a couple use an unlisted home number, change their e-mail address and pager number, and have the betrayed spouse monitor all voice messages and mail. Most important, I suggest that the betrayed spouse have free access to records of telephone calls and e-mail. These precautions may make a wayward spouse feel like a convict on probation, but they are often essential conditions to breaking the addiction that keeps an affair alive.
At first Kevin didn't think such extraordinary precautions were needed. He felt strongly that Amy would not try to contact him once he broke it off with her. But he had his phone number changed anyway. Lee listened to all recorded telephone messages and opened his mail to make sure he did not receive any messages from Amy. One day Lee discovered a letter from Amy. In it she told Kevin how much she missed him. Lee told Kevin about Amy's letter but did not describe the contents. They both agreed that Lee should destroy the letter, which is what she did. That experience helped Kevin see how important it was for him to follow my extraordinary precautions.
3. Accounting for Time
In every marriage, decisions about time should be made together by the husband and wife. They should work out their schedules with mutual agreement, because the way each of them spends his or her time affects the other. Mutual agreement regarding how time is spent guarantees a thoughtful schedule, Besides, both spouses need to know where the other one is in case of emergencies.
Because an affair depends on the health of a secret second life, a wayward spouse must be able to spend at least some of his or her time away from the watchful eye of the betrayed spouse. So it's important to do whatever it takes to assure that time is accounted for throughout the day and night. That's especially true when an affair is first discovered and the wayward spouse is willing to end it.
I suggested to Kevin and Lee that they give each other a twentyfour-hour schedule of their daily activities. With the schedule, there would be a telephone number where they could be reached. I explained that it was something they should have been doing throughout their marriage out of consideration for each other. Knowing where Kevin was twenty-four hours a day and being able to contact him also helped Lee restore her trust in Kevin.
I suggested that they call each other several times during the day, just to talk, but also for Lee to be assured that Kevin was where he said he would be.
Kevin and Lee began giving each other daily schedules. Kevin actually looked forward to Lee's calls. He also was pleasantly surprised when she stopped by his office. He enjoyed getting the attention he had missed during most of their marriage.
Kevin called Lee when he left the office each day, so she would know when he would be home. It was something he should have done throughout his marriage, but he just never got into the habit. What started as a way for Lee to check up on Kevin soon became a way for them to show their care and concern for each other.
4. Accounting for Money
Just as decisions about the use of time should be made together by a husband and wife, so should financial decisions be made jointly. This is the only way to be sure that the interests of both spouses are considered. So when I suggested to Kevin that Lee should be aware of and approve all the money he spends, I was not just imposing yet another cruel hardship as punishment for his error. But he took it that way.
A secret second life depends not only on hidden time, but also on hidden money. Lee usually didn*t know how Kevin spent their money, and so it would have been easy for him to divert some of his income to a secret second life.
As Kevin and Amy were developing their relationship, he took her to lunch and bought her token gifts. He wasn't spending a lot of money, but he wouldn't have been able to hide the expense from Lee if she were involved on a daily basis in managing their finance. Kevin had given Lee very little financial information. He earned the money and paid the bills. He gave her an allowance for groceries and incidental expenses, and the rest was his to do with as he pleased.
You can see why my suggestion that he make all financial decisions jointly with Lee seemed like punishment. Granted, accounting for how he spent his money was partially intended to be a precaution to help Kevin avoid contact with Amy, but even more important, accounting for money was essential in helping Kevin and Lee build a strong and caring marriage. It wasn't punishment at all - it was the foundation of a thoughtful relationship, in which the money they spent would be mutually beneficial. Eventually Kevin also saw it that way.
I'll continue the story in my next post. At mean time, you can check more information at Stop Communicating With Ex.
