Selfish Demands
When Jon returned to Sue, he really didn't feel like doing much for her. He felt she should repay him for everything she'd put him through. But Sue didn't feel like doing much for Jon, either. With both of them feeling that the other person had lots of making up to do, they were both tempted to make demands of each other. I warned them that demands were another Love Buster, and if they tried using it, they would have a much more difficult time restoring love to their marriage.
People who make demands don't seem to care how others feel. They think only of their own needs. If you find it unpleasant to do what I want, tough! And if you refuse, I'll make it even tougher.
Demands depend on power. They don't work unless the demanding one has the power to make good on the threats. But in a marriage, there should be shared power - the husband and wife working together to accomplish mutual objectives with mutual agreement. When one spouse starts making demands - along with threats that are at least implied - power is no longer shared. As a result, the threatened spouse often strikes back, fighting fire with fire, power with power. Suddenly the marriage is a tug-of-war instead of a bicycle built for two. It's a test of strength - who has enough power to win? When one spouse wins and the other loses, the marriage loses.
Demands are the wrong way to get what you need from each other. When you ask your spouse to do something for you, he or she may cheerfully agree to do it or may express reluctance. This reluctance may be due to any number of causes - personal needs, comfort level, a sense of what's wise or fair. But be assured that there is a reason for reluctance, and from your spouse's viewpoint, it's a good reason. How To Repair Trust In A Relationship
If after your spouse expresses reluctance, you insist on your request, making it a demand, what are you doing? You are declaring that your wishes are more important than his or her feelings. And you are threatening a distressful outcome if your demands are not met.
Now your spouse must choose the lesser of the two evils - your "punishment" on the one hand or his or her cause for reluctance on the other. Your spouse may ultimately submit to your demand, and you get your way but it will be at your spouse's expense. I guarantee you, your spouse will feel used, and rightfully so. And you will withdraw love units in the process.
Sometimes a wife says, But you don't know my husband! He lies around the house all night, and I can't get him to do a thing. The only time he lifts a finger is to press the remote control. If l don't demand that he get up and help me, nothing will get done.
Requests don't work with my wife, a husband might say. She only thinks about herself! She spends her whole life shopping and going out with her girlfriends. If l didn't demand that she stay at home once in a while, I'd never see her.
My answer is that demands are an ineffective way to get a husband to help around the house or to keep a wife from going out with her friends. Demands do not encourage people to cooperate; they only withdraw love units. If you force your spouse to meet your needs, it becomes a temporary solution at best, and resentment is sure to rear its ugly head. Threats, lectures, and other forms of manipulation do not build compatibility - they build resentment. How To Repair Trust In A Relationship
Thoughtless Decisions: A Less Obvious Way to Destroy Love
Sue agreed with me that angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands should be avoided. And as long as Jon was willing to protect her from those three Love Busters, she was willing to protect him from them too.
But Jon's and Sue's protection of each other had to go beyond just avoiding those Love Busters - it had to reach out to almost everything they did. That's because almost everything they did affected each other. Some of their habits and activities had a positive effect and made each other happy. But other habits and activities had a negative effect - they caused each other to be unhappy.
Each decision that Sue and Jon made resulted in either the deposit or withdrawal of love units. That awareness was a major awakening for both of them. Sue saw for the first time that if she were to protect Jon, she could no longer make decisions without first considering how they would affect him. If a decision would make him unhappy, she would be violating my first rule to guide marital recovery, the Rule of Protection.
Many of Jon's and Sue's decisions that had caused each other's unhappiness were innocent. They had not realized they were thoughtless. For example, Jon's time spent away from his family developing a career was thoughtless because it had made Sue feel very unhappy. But Jon did it in an effort to provide his family with a higher standard of living. Jon thought Sue appreciated his hard work, but she actually resented it and it became a major cause of withdrawals from his account in her Love Bank.
I gave Jon and Sue a way to avoid the risk of making thoughtless decisions. It's called the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your Spouse. This policy unmasks thoughtless decisions because it identifies habits and activities that have the potential to cause unhappiness.
If Sue and Jon were willing to avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness, they had to talk about the things they planned to do and hear each other's feelings about those plans. The Policy of Joint Agreement simply took their willingness to protect each other a step further. It eliminated habits and activities that seemed innocent at the time, but would have caused either of them to be unhappy. To learn more, you can check out How To Repair Trust In A Relationship.
