Should your skeletons stay in the closet? Some say, Yes. Lock the door; hide the key; leave well enough alone. Communicate your past misdeeds only on a need-to-know basis. But I say your spouse needs to know everything. Whatever embarrassing experiences or serious mistakes are in your past, you need to come clean with him or her.
Your personal history holds significant information about you - information about your strengths and weaknesses. Your spouse needs to fully understand both your good and bad characteristics. Under what conditions are you the most caring and considerate? Where are you likely to be most self-centered and hurtful?
History tends to repeat itself. For example, if a man has had problems controlling his temper in the past, it's likely he'll have the same struggle in the future. If a woman has been chemically dependent in the past, she'll be susceptible to drug or alcohol abuse in the future. If you talk openly about your past mistakes, your spouse will understand your weaknesses, and together you can avoid situations that will tend to create problems for you in the future.
No area of your life should be kept secret. All questions asked by your spouse should be answered fully and completely. Periods of poor adjustment in your past should be given special attention. Be sure that both you and your spouse understand what happened in those previous circumstances. That way you will be able to create a lifestyle together that does not tempt your weaknesses.
Not only should you explain your past to your spouse, but you should encourage your spouse to gather information from those who knew you before. I have encouraged couples who are considering marriage to meet with several significant people from each other's past. It's often quite an eye-opener!
But if l tell her about all the bad things I've done, she'll never trust me again. lf he finds out about my past, he'll be crushed. It will ruin his whole image of me.
I have heard these protests from various clients - ashamed of things they had done. Why dig it all up? Let old mistakes stay buried in ancient history! Why not just leave that little demon alone? I answer that it's not a "little demon," but an extremely important part of their personal story and it says something about their character.
Maybe you don't really want to be known for who you are. That's the saddest position of all. It means you would rather keep your secret than experience one of life's greatest joys - to be loved and accepted in spite of known weaknesses or past mistakes.
As Sue and Jon learned to be honest with each other, they began to reveal some of the significant events of their past that they had kept secret. When they first came to me for counseling, I had them complete a personal history questionnaire, which systematically reviewed many of the significant events of their past. I asked them to share their questionnaires with each other and feel free to ask any questions that would be triggered by them.
Current Honesty
After eight years of marriage, Sue found herself in love with another man. She did not develop her friendship with Greg because she wanted to have an affair. Quite to the contrary, she didn't want an affair at all. But once she was in love with Greg, an affair seemed inevitable. She did nothing to stop it, and her dishonesty made it all possible.
Sue spent an increasing amount of time with Greg because she loved him. But to keep Jon in the dark, she had to lie about the time they spent together. It was only after he found them making love that Jon realized that she had been living a secret second life. Dishonesty became a habit for her.
Kevin, on the other hand, had been in the habit of revealing his daily schedule to Lee. If he had decided to pursue his affair with Amy, he would have had to learn to be dishonest about how he spent his time. That's one of the reasons he told Lee about his affair as soon as it started and why it was possible for him to end it quickly - because he was not in the habit of being dishonest. Current honesty made it easier for Kevin to end his affair than for Sue to end hers.
In good marriages couples become so interdependent that sharing a daily schedule is essential to their coordination of activities. In weak marriages, however, couples are reluctant to reveal their schedules, because they are often engaged in activities that would offend each other. Assuming that their spouse would object to these activities, they hide the details of their day, telling themselves, What he doesn't know won't hurt him or She's happier not knowing everything.
Even when activities are innocent, it's extremely important for your spouse to understand what you do with your time, because almost everything you do will affect your spouse in some way. Make sure you are easy to find in an emergency or when your spouse just wants to say hello during the day.
Future Honesty
Kevin's honesty about his future plans was crucial to his success in ending the affair. He was in love with Amy, and they planned to deepen their relationship. By revealing those plans to Lee, he took the first step toward saving his marriage. Because he considered Lee's feelings before he made further plans with Amy, those plans were eliminated.
Sue, on the other hand, had not been in the habit of revealing her plans to Jon before her affair. That's part of the reason the affair was so difficult to end. But even as they were trying to restore their marriage after the affair, she had trouble being honest about her plans.
She was in the habit of making her plans independently of Jon, and bringing him into those plans felt very uncomfortable. By including him in her planning process, she thought he would have too much influence over her. She wanted to think her plans through on her own, and then, maybe, she would share her final decisions with him.
After I've made such a big issue of revealing past indiscretions, you can imagine how I feel about revealing future plans that may get you into trouble. Future plans are much easier to discuss than past mistakes or failures, yet, like Sue, many spouses keep their plans secret from each other. Why? Some people believe that communicating future plans just gives a spouse the opportunity to stop them. They have their sights set on a certain goal and they don't want anything to stand in their way.
When you fail to tell your spouse about your plans, you're not being honest. You may be trying to avoid trouble in the present, but eventually the future will arrive, revealing your thoughtless plans. At that point your spouse will be hurt that you didn't take his or her feelings into account when you were making those plans. And that will certainly withdraw love units.
The Policy of Joint Agreement - Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse - is crucial in discussions of your future plans. But spouses are often afraid to discuss those plans with the Policy of Joint Agreement in mind. If l wait for my wife to agree, a husband might say, we'll never accomplish anything. She's so conservative; she never wants to take any risks, and so we miss every opportunity that comes along. But isn't that a disrespectful judgment, forcing the husband's opinion on the wife? If her feelings are important to him, he needs her input on his plans. Without it, he risks gaining at her expense.
Oh, but the plans I make are best for both of us, a wife might say. He may not understand my decision now but once he sees how things turn out, he'll thank me for going ahead with it. Again, her plan of action is disrespectful. It assumes the husband's judgment is so poor that his wife must make his decisions for him. She would not want him to be that disrespectful of her judgments, and yet her example may very well lead to that outcome.
Whatever your reason for keeping your spouse in the dark about your plans, your decision will eventually give you more trouble than it's worth. And when it's discovered, love units will certainly be withdrawn.
Information about gifts or plans for special occasions may be the rare exception to the rule of future honesty. But in the recovery of your relationship after an affair, I would not be dishonest even under these special conditions until your marriage is completely restored. When you plan to give each other gifts, you should explain your plans and then follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (Ask, How do you feel about what I am planning to give you?). Honesty in your marriage is so important right now that you cannot afford to keep secrets from each other even when they may seem harmless. To learn more, you can check out How To Regain Trust In A Marriage.
