Before Sue married Jon, she spent most of her free time with him. After they started dating, she made spending time with him one of her highest priorities. Whenever her friends invited her somewhere, she would first check with Jon to see if he was busy at that time. On some occasions she even broke dates with her friends if Jon found time to be with her.
Jon also made spending time with Sue his highest priority. Friends and activities that he had enjoyed prior to meeting Sue were abandoned because he had found a much more fulfilling relationship. He certainly didn't miss any of them, because he loved being with Sue,
Jon and Sue tried to see each other every day. When they were together, they usually gave each other their undivided attention. On days that they couldn't be together, they talked to each other on the phone, sometimes for hours. They spent about fifteen to twenty-five hours together each week, including time on the phone. But they weren't counting. Jon and Sue took whatever opportunities there were to be together, and it just turned out to be that much time.
After Jon and Sue were married, however, the quality of their time together suffered. While they were with each other more often, they spent less time giving each other their undivided attention. When they came home from work, they talked to each other as Sue prepared dinner and Jon helped pick things up around the apartment.
They talked during dinner and they did the dishes together. But after dinner they watched television and sometimes barely said a word to each other. Some evenings Sue would read a book while Jon watched some sporting event. They usually went to bed at the same time and some evenings they made love. But even then they did not say much to each other. Ways To Make Your Marriage Better
Prior to marriage, when watching television, Jon and Sue would often be so affectionate that they didn't pay any attention to the program. But after marriage, they were rarely affectionate while watching TV. They usually sat in separate chairs, and sometimes watched in different rooms so that they could each see a favorite program.
Another important change after marriage was dating. Before marriage, Jon and Sue went out often - to dinner, a movie, sporting events, or they went for walks. Sue looked forward to being with Jon but she also looked forward to going out. She liked dating Jon, because they always did something fun together. After marriage they spent a lot of time just sitting at home watching TV.
When their children arrived, they went out even less often. And they talked to each other less. The children were a major distraction, and the responsibilities kept them both hopping. That was when Jon and Sue decided that he needed to put his career in high gear so that they could provide their children with a wonderful lifestyle. And that gave them even less time to be with each other.
Neither Jon nor Sue realized that after they married, their time together had ceased being a high priority. In fact almost everything else in their lives had become more important than their time together. Looking back, Jon and Sue could see how they had drifted apart. Jon was at work and away from his family - almost seventy hours each week. And when he was home, he was exhausted. Sue spent her days focused on her children, her work, and her community activities. Although she missed having Jon at home, she found her life too busy to worry much about it.
Now, even though Jon and Sue were committed to marital recovery, they found it difficult to schedule time to be together. They understood the importance of it, but actually scheduling their time earned out to be one of their most difficult assignments. They tried to talk me out of the amount of time I recommended. They began by trying to convince me that it's impossible. Then they went on to the argument that it's impractical. But in the end, Jon and Sue agreed that without a substantial amount of time together, they would not be able to meet each other's emotional needs and recreate the love they once had for each other. They agreed to follow my third rule to guide marital recovery, the Rule of Time: Take time to give your spouse your undivided attention.
The purpose of the Rule of Time is to set aside enough time each week to meet your spouse's most important emotional needs. And meeting important emotional needs usually requires undivided attention. To help Jon and Sue fully understand the Rule of Time and how it was to be applied as they made their weekly schedules, I told them about the three parts to this rule: privacy, objectives, and amount.
Privacy. The time you plan to be together should not include children, relatives, or friends. Establish privacy so that you are able to give each other your undivided attention. Ways To Make Your Marriage Better
It is essential that you as a couple spend time alone. When you have time alone, you have a much greater opportunity to deposit love units into each other's love bank. Without privacy, undivided attention is almost impossible, and without undivided attention, you are not likely to meet some of each other's most important emotional needs.
First, I recommend that you learn to be together without your children. Many couples don't think children interfere with their privacy. To them, an evening with their children is privacy. Of course, they know they can't make love with children around. But I believe that the presence of children prevents much more than love making. When children are present, they interfere with affection and intimate conversation that are desperately needed in marriage.
Second, I recommend that friends and relatives not be present during your time together. This may mean that after everything has been scheduled, there's no time left over for friends and relatives. If that's the case, you're too busy, but at least you won't be sacrificing your love for each other.
Third, I recommend that you understand what giving undivided attention means. Remember, it's what you did while dating. There's no way you would have been married if you had ignored each other on dates. You looked at each other when you were talking, you were interested in the conversation, and there was little to distract you. This is the undivided attention you must give each other now.
When you are seeing a movie together, you do not give each other undivided attention (unless you behave like one couple I remember who sat in front of my wife and me!). It's the same with television or sporting events. I'm not saying that you should not do these things together, but the time you spend at them doesn't count toward fulfilling the Rule of Time. That time is very clearly defined - it's the time you pay close attention to each other.
Jon and Sue recognized where they had gone wrong on the few dates they had with each other after being married. Jon would bring his cellular telephone along and become distracted by a business call while they were having dinner together. This left Sue feeling that she was low on his list of priorities. Whoever was on the other end of the telephone had to be much more important than she was,
Sue could also see how she had sabotaged their time together by inviting their children or another couple to join them at the last minute. Jon had wanted to be alone with Sue, but she usually insisted on including others on their night out. Now they both agreed to invite others on their dates only after they had spent enough time together by themselves.
Jon and Sue were committed to be alone with each other. But what should they do with this time? The second part of my Rule of Time deals with objectives. To learn more, you can check out Ways To Make Your Marriage Better.
