I've found that wayward spouses have an easier time handling their emotional reactions when they do not have to look at the betrayed spouse. Besides, letters and telephone calls are much safer from both spouses' perspective. Jon was able to choose his words carefully whenever he wrote Sue a letter, and when he called her from work on the phone, either of them could end the conversation at will. That made those conversations much more comfortable.
I tried to help Jon write letters that expressed to Sue what he had learned and what he would like to do to resolve their problems. These letters allowed Jon to think through his own thoughts so that he would accurately convey his feelings without expressing anger, disrespect, or demands.
Jon did an outstanding job of not saying or doing anything that would make Sue feel uncomfortable living with him. But it was the affair itself that made her uncomfortable. Whenever Jon asked about her activities, she lied to him, and that made her feel guilty about her lies and about what she was lying about. She had always considered herself to be an honest person, but now her lies proved otherwise. And whenever she thought about the person she had become, it made her feel very depressed and guilty.
Affairs and dishonesty always go hand in hand. You cannot have one without the other. The only way for Sue to become honest again was for her to separate totally from Greg. But without separation, she could not be honest, and without honesty, she could not be comfortable living with Jon.
Our six-month time limit for plan A was never completed. Before the time had expired, Sue made the decision to leave Jon and move into her own apartment. For many, that would have been the last straw, but for Jon it was actually part of the plan, moved up a little in time. He was now ready for plan B.
For many couples, plan A gets the job done. The thoughtfulness demonstrated by the betrayed spouse helps a wayward spouse make the decision to permanently separate from the lover. But even when plan A doesn't stop an affair, having used it makes marital reconciliation much easier if separation from the lover ever does occur. The care shown in plan A helps make the betrayed spouse an attractive choice for the wayward spouse when the affair dies a natural death. My Wife Wants An Affair
It also proves that the betrayed spouse knows how to protect the wayward spouse from anger, disrespect, and demands, even under conditions of infidelity. It offers hope that he or she can be trusted to continue to protect the wayward spouse after the affair is over. And the betrayed spouse's willingness to meet the emotional needs that the lover was meeting also offers hope for reconciliation.
Another advantage to plan A is that when it ends, the betrayed spouse leaves the wayward spouse with the best possible memories of how he or she was treated. When Sue separated from Jon, she left with the memory that he had been considerate of her feelings and he had tried to meet her emotional needs.
Plan B: Avoid Contact with the Wayward Spouse until the Affair Has Ended
In most affairs, the betrayed spouse meets some of the wayward spouse's emotional needs, and the lover meets other needs. When Sue and Jon were living together, and she was having the affair with Greg, she had the best of both worlds. With Greg she had conversation, affection, and companionship and with Jon she had financial support and family commitment. It was an uncomfortable juggling act for Sue, but her needs were being met. If Jon had not asked so many questions and made it so difficult for Sue to sneak off to be with Greg, she would have let this go on indefinitely. But this would have been unfair and emotionally exhausting for Jon.
This is where plan B comes in. If the wayward spouse will not totally, separate from the lover, then plan B separates the betrayed spouse - and the needs he or she met - from the wayward spouse. It is a taste of what is to come if divorce actually takes place.
But doesn't plan B throw the wayward spouse into the waiting arms of the lover? Doesn't it give the affair the chance it needs to succeed? My Wife Wants An Affair
Most affairs are based on fantasy and wishful thinking. In reality, the lover is not an improvement over the betrayed spouse, and giving an affair a chance can actually prove that the relationship won't succeed. Love units were deposited into Greg's account in Sue's Love Bank because they were not together as husband and wife, battling through the tough problems of daily living. They were together only when Sue was escaping the hard realities of her life. By taking Jon out of Sue's life, and letting Greg become involved in all aspects of her life, Greg's ability to handle her problems was put to the test. And, like most lovers when tested. Greg failed.
By the time Sue moved out, Jon had almost come to the end of his rope. If he had stayed with Sue much longer, he would probably not have been able to control his emotional reactions and would have risked becoming very disrespectful.
If Sue had not left Jon first, he would have moved away from home. I usually suggest moving to a place where a betrayed spouse can be surrounded by those who love and care for him or her. A strong support group is needed during a time of separation. And a betrayed spouse needs to be far away from the wayward spouse and his or her lover. I often go so far as to recommend moving to another city or state, But people who have custody of children are often not able to do this because they cannot legally move the children out of the state. I suggest consulting with an attorney to learn how state laws may limit such a move.
Sue's first week away from home was so hard on her emotionally that she actually returned before Jon had a chance to implement plan B. And some of their discussions were so hopeful that Jon felt plan B would not be necessary. But I warned him to expect the worst, and sadly that's what happened,
After a week Sue moved back to her apartment, and it was clear that she would be there for some time. It was then that Jon implemented plan B. He made arrangements with their mutual friends Jane and Paul to handle all necessary communication so that he would not need to see or talk to Sue unless they happened to accidentally cross paths.
Sue did not understand the full implications of leaving Jon. She thought it would give her more freedom to be with Greg but she didn't know about plan B. Next post, I'll talk more about plan B. At mean time, you can check out My Wife Wants An Affair for more details.
