The Rule of Care, Step 1 - Identify the Most Important Emotional Needs
Before Sue and Jon could care for each other effectively, they had to know where to put their effort. So their first step was to identify their own most important emotional needs.
Do you know yourself well enough to list your most important emotional needs? Most people haven't given this much thought, and if forced to make up a list, they would not know where to begin. But it's very important that you understand your needs, not only for your own sake, but for the sake of your spouse. If he or she is going to put time and energy into becoming an expert at meeting those needs, you'd better be sure you've identified the right ones. And it's also important for you to understand your spouse's emotional needs so that you can put your effort in the right place.
When I first understood the importance of emotional needs in creating love, I asked each spouse I counselled to identify what his or her spouse could do to make them the happiest. Their answers helped me identify ten emotional needs so powerful that when met by someone of the opposite sex, the feeling of love is created. I listed these ten emotional needs; they are affection, sexual fulfilment, conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, financial support, domestic support, family commitment, and admiration. When these needs are met in marriage, people experience great pleasure, and when they are not met, they experience great frustration and disappointment.
While almost everyone has these ten needs to some extent, the importance of each need varies greatly from person to person. Some people feel a great deal of pleasure when the need for affection is met. Others don't feel much at all when affection is given. The same can be said for admiration; some need it greatly while others don't.
The same is also true for all the other emotional needs.
So while this list identifies the most common important emotional needs, all ten are not usually important for any one person. In fact I've found that, in general, only five out of the ten identified by a person have the potential for depositing enough love units to create the feeling of love.
Since not all needs are equally important, it isn't necessary to meet all ten needs in marriage. If a spouse simply learns to meet the five given highest priority, he or she will deposit enough love units to sustain romantic love. To a great extent, trying to meet the other needs would be a waste of time and energy.
Which are the most important to you? Which are the most important to your spouse? It's very likely that the ones you pick will not be exactly the same as the ones your spouse picks. They may even be entirely different.
As I said earlier, men and women tend to prioritize these ten needs very differently. Men tend to give highest priority to:
1. sexual fulfilment
2. recreational companionship
3. physical attractiveness
4. domestic support
5. admiration
Women, on the other hand, tend to give the highest priority to:
1. affection
2. conversation
3. honesty and openness
4. financial support
5. family commitment
Of course, not every man would pick the five needs I listed for men. Nor would every woman pick the five needs listed for women. Some men would include affection and conversation in their top five needs, and some women rank admiration and sexual fulfilment among their most important needs. But on average, I've found that men and women rank these needs the way I listed them.
Since the way men and women tend to prioritize their needs is so different, it's no wonder they have difficulty adjusting in marriage! A man can set out to meet his wife's needs but he will fail miserably if he assumes that her needs are the same as his. A woman will also fail if she assumes her husband has the same needs as she has.
I have seen this simple error threaten many marriages. A husband and wife fail to meet each other's needs - not because they're selfish or uncaring, but because they are ignorant of what those needs are.
She may think that showering him with love notes and affection will please him, because it pleases her. He thinks that he is doing her a big favor by inviting her to play golf, because he would be thrilled by the offer. Both partners think they are valiantly trying to meet each other's needs, but they may be aiming at the wrong target.
So, where should you put your greatest effort so that you can deposit the most love units? Meet each other's most important emotional needs.
How can you discover which needs are the most important to each of you? Ask.
As I've explained, you cannot assume that your spouse's needs will be the same as yours, You are the only one who can identify your most important emotional needs, and your spouse is the best expert on his or her needs. You must ask if you want to know where to put your greatest effort.
The ten needs that I focus attention on do not exhaust the list of possible needs. Other needs such as ambition - when a spouse achieves important objectives - could be included on your list if they are important to you. This will require you to identify them yourself, from your past experiences. Think about what makes you the happiest, then the times when these needs were met will come to mind, and you will be able to identify them. For most of us, though, the ten needs that I listed cover the bases.
Listing Your Most Important Emotional Needs
I have made it easy for you and your spouse to identify for each other your most important emotional needs. To help you understand your choices, I have described each of the ten most important emotional needs.
Then, after you have been introduced to the ten needs, complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Make two enlarged copies of this questionnaire so both you and your spouse can complete one of them.
Remember how I described an emotional need? It is a craving that when satisfied leaves you feeling happy and content, and when unsatisfied leaves you unhappy and frustrated. The word craving is an important part of that definition. If you have a craving for any of the possible needs, it should be on your list of most important emotional needs.
When you are asked to rank your needs according to their importance to you, consider the following - If you don't choose sexual fulfilment as a most important need, imagine never having sex with your spouse. If you don't choose affection, imagine your spouse never expressing his or her love for you - no hugs, no kisses, no love notes. If you don't choose financial support, imagine your spouse not earning a dime throughout your life together.
To help you rank your needs, imagine your spouse meeting only one of the ten needs and failing to meet the other nine. Under that condition, which would give you the most satisfaction and the least frustration? Which would deposit the most love units? You should rank that need number 1. Continue this imagining process until you have identified the five emotional needs that mean the most to you.
Before you leave this assignment, give your list of five needs one last look and give special attention to those you didn't include. If all five of the needs you've listed are met by your spouse, will you be happy? If your spouse fails to meet a need that is not included on your list, will it threaten to ruin your marriage? If there is a sixth need that you feel must be included to ensure the success of your marriage, add it to the list. But then let your spouse also add a sixth need to his or her list.
My experience with most couples shows that the higher the ranking, the more effort should be given to meeting that need. In some cases an outstanding job meeting the top two needs is all it takes to deposit enough love units to trigger the feeling of love. If a reasonably good effort is made to meet the other three, it just adds insurance to the Love Bank account. But couples who try to meet all ten needs, try to do too much and usually do a poor or mediocre job on all of them. In those marriages, even though a great deal of effort is made, the results are very disappointing. Couples who focus their attention on each other's top five emotional needs have a sensational marriage.
It's safe to assume that the needs you and your spouse ranked number 1 and number 2 should get your very special attention. But don't ignore the other three. If you leave any of the top five needs unmet in your marriage, your love for each other will be at risk and your spouse will be vulnerable to an outside person meeting those needs. Recovery from an affair depends on each spouse being an expert at meeting the other's top five needs - especially the top two. To learn more, you can check out Marriage Emotional Needs.
