Kevin was going through an experience that those familiar with addiction know all too well - withdrawal - the emotional reaction a person experiences when separated from the object of his or her addiction. Before his marital recovery could begin, he had to get through this temporary, but painful, experience.
The feelings of withdrawal and grief are very similar. They are both emotional reactions that are associated with the loss of a very valuable part of one's life, something that provided great pleasure and satisfaction. In the case of grief, the loss is usually final - loss of a home by fire or a loved one by death. However, in the case of withdrawal, whether from alcohol or a lover, the loss doesn't have to be final. All that's needed to recover the loss is to return to the object of addiction. And that's why Kevin was faced with hundreds of decisions to leave Amy - he could have her back any time he wanted.
During the first few weeks after total separation from a lover, the depression that accompanies the loss can be so pervasive and overwhelming that nothing makes the wayward spouse happy. That was certainly Kevin's experience. There was no escape from the loss that he felt. He simply had to get through the withdrawal period before he could enjoy his life again.
Lee wanted to quickly straighten out whatever had been missing in her marriage. That's what most spouses do when they get over the shock of discovering that their spouse was unfaithful. If it was sex that was missing, the spouse wants to offer more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more and better affection. If it was conversation, more and better conversation. A spouse is usually willing to do whatever it takes to regain a wayward spouse's love. But these initial efforts to meet the wayward spouse's emotional needs are usually ineffective during the first few weeks of withdrawal because the spouse is so unhappy. What Is Emotional Depression
I warned Lee that there would not be much she could do to cheer up Kevin. Her love and care for him during the first few weeks of his separation from Amy would probably seem to her as wasted effort. However, after the worst symptoms of withdrawal began to fade, those extraordinary precautions I had recommended would help Lee and Kevin redeposit love units into each other's Love Bank.
An Affair Offers No Painless Escape
Kevin may have suffered after he separated from Amy. But by separating early in the affair, he spared himself, Lee, and his children' untold additional suffering that they would have experienced if he had not separated from her when he did.
But Sue and Jon were not spared that additional suffering. Although Sue tried to separate from Greg after Jon discovered their affair, her failure to take extraordinary precautions to guarantee separation caused her and her family so much pain that it almost mined their lives. Most people who have affairs are like Sue - they don't do what it takes to make a clean break with their lover. Sue lost perspective for what was important in her life. She was willing to sacrifice her children, her reputation, and her financial security just to continue her relationship with Greg. The inability to separate makes the tragedy of an affair much more painful than it would be if the lovers separated early on.
When people like Sue try to leave their lover and experience the pain of withdrawal, they often cannot resist the temptation to return to the affair. But returning to the lover does not alleviate their depression for long. In fact for many, the momentary emotional relief after reconciliation with the lover is followed by depression returning with a vengeance. After returning to the lover, it doesn't usually take long before the wayward spouse feels so depressed they consider suicide as their only escape. They cannot imagine leaving their lover, nor can they imagine leaving their family. They see no hope. They know they are causing their spouse and children unbearable pain, yet they seem powerless to stop the affair.
Sue told me, I know what I am doing is stupid. I'm going to lose everything but I just can't leave my lover. I'd rather hit bottom than have to choose between Greg and my family. Sadly her statement was very prophetic - she did hit bottom. She almost lost everything to stay with Greg just a little longer.
The pain of total separation from a lover is great at first but it eventually comes to an end, and marital recovery can then begin. The alternative - not separating - keeps suffering alive as long as the affair continues. Clearly, the choice to end the affair once and for all is the least painful of the two alternatives.
Kevin anticipated that it would be difficult to leave Amy but he had no idea how powerful his emotional reactions would be. Within a day of his decision, he began experiencing a depression that he had never felt before. He couldn't eat or sleep. All he could think about was Amy.
The Symptoms of Withdrawal
Someone going through withdrawal usually experiences depression, anxiety, and anger - all in a very intense form. The feeling of utter hopelessness, the fear of making a catastrophic mistake, and even anger toward a betrayed spouse are overwhelming. These reactions are usually so severe that I often suggest that the wayward spouse consult with his or her doctor for antidepressant medication to help stabilize these symptoms during this most unpleasant experience. What Is Emotional Depression
But if there is total separation from the lover, the most Intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks and then fade over the next six months. As I mentioned earlter, if a slip occurs and contact is made with a lover during withdrawal, the clock goes back to zero, and the period of withdrawal starts all over again. So those few who report lingering withdrawal symptoms after six months are usually guilty of making sporadic contacts with the former lover, and lying about those contacts to their spouse.
Lee was concerned about Kevin's depression. She had never seen him react this way before. I had warned both of them that the symptoms of withdrawal were almost inevitable, but the warning did not prepare her for the extreme form they took. At first, Kevin experienced a total loss of energy and could hardly face each day. ln reality, events were turning out to his advantage, but through the fog of his depression, he couldn't see anything but doom and gloom. For example, even though his boss was very understanding and cooperative, offering him a job at another dealership, Kevin came away feeling as though the meeting had been a disaster.
Kevin was spending all of his nonworking hours with Lee and his children - these were my instructions - but Kevin's depression rubbed off on Lee and made her feel depressed too. After a few days, neither of them were sure it was a good idea to be together.
They were in a necessary, but very temporary, holding pattarn, during which their relationship wasn't going anywhere. Kevin's symptoms of withdrawal had to fade significantly before his marital recovery could begin. But being together was still an important step in preparing for the recovery process. They had to be together to prevent Kevin's return to Amy.
It was important that they avoid anger, disrespect, or demands while they were together. They were to simply keep each other company for a few weeks and avoid doing anything that would make matters worse. Opportunities to meet each other's emotional needs would come later.
The exercise that Lee was getting three mornings a week with Kevin helped keep her emotionally stable. The assurances I gave her also helped keep her in a positive mood. But if she had become as depressed as Kevin, I would have encouraged her to consult with her doctor for the same antidepressant medication Kevin was using.
The time it takes for withdrawal to end seems like an eternity when it is taking place, but the worst is usually over in about a month. I kept reminding Lee of that fact.
Kevin and Lee followed my suggestions to ensure separation from Amy. Kevin gave Lee a schedule of his daily activities, and she gave him hers. They exercised together and called each other during the day, and Kevin spent as much time as possible with Lee. Some of the best examples of recovery I've witnessed involved couples who were forced, due to a prior business or vacation commitment, to be together almost twenty-four hours a day for about a month during withdrawal. It's the perfect formula for withdrawal because it ensures total separation from a lover.
Most couples, however, are not fortunate enough to have such advantageous preplanning. So I often recommend an extended vacation or successive weekend getaways for a couple going through withdrawal. The wayward spouse's depression is often so severe that getting away from everything can provide a welcome relief.
Granted, for the betrayed spouse, taking a vacation after such trauma may, at first, seem like "sleeping with the enemy." But it provides a great opportunity to be together in a comfortable sorting that minimizes the withdrawal of love units and maximizes their deposit. The extraordinary precautions worked for Kevin and Lee. Kevin did not talk to Amy again, and the intense emotional reaction, which he experienced initially, faded within a few weeks. To learn more, you can check out What Is Emotional Depression.
