I ask probing questions when I counsel. And I probe most deeply in areas where people tend to leave false impressions. Since most marital problems originate with serious misconceptions, I do what I can to dig out these little weeds that eventually choke the plant. It goes without saying that false impressions are just as deceitful as outright lies.
The purpose of honesty is having the facts in front of you. Without them, you'll fail to solve the simplest marital problems. Lying to your spouse or giving false impressions will leave your spouse ignorant of the facts.
In most marriages one of the biggest false impressions may be that both spouses are doing an outstanding job meeting each other's needs. This form of deceit is often tempting early in marriage. There may have been some areas in which one or both of you were dissatisfied, but you didn't want to appear unappreciative. You didn't want to run the risk of withdrawing love units by expressing your dissatisfaction.
As I mentioned earlier, you can minimize the loss of love units by expressing your concerns in nonthreatening, nonjudgmental ways. You can show appreciation for the effort made to meet your needs and then provide an alternative behavior that provides guidance for making that effort more effective. But only a true expression of your feelings will help you find a solution to your problems. Whenever you do not reveal the compete truth, you cripple your spouse's ability to meet your needs. You provide a map that leads to failure, Truth is the only map that leads to success. How To Get Trust Back In A Relationship
Creating an Environment for Honesty
Sue needed to learn to be honest with Jon. But Jon needed to learn how to create an environment where her honesty would be encouraged. I wanted him to reward her for her honesty. In the past he had done the opposite.
Finally presented with the truth about something that had been concealed, many spouses think only of punishment. They cry; they scream; they hit; they threaten - and all these things just convince the lying partner to cover his or her crimes more carefully in the future.
Don't make your spouse miserable when he or she tells you the truth. That simply encourages dishonesty the next time. Instead, talk about how important honesty is to you and how you want to work together to achieve greater love and compatibility. Use the disclosure as evidence that you both need to rise to a new level of honesty.
How well do you encourage honesty? You may say that you want your spouse to be honest, but do your own values promote it? How do you answer the following questions?
- If the truth is terribly upsetting to you, do you want your spouse to be honest only at a time when you are emotionally prepared?
- Do you keep some aspects of your life secret and do you encourage your spouse to respect your privacy or boundaries in those areas?
- Do you like to create a certain mystery between you and your spouse?
- Are there conditions under which you would not want honesty at all costs between you and your spouse?
You encourage honesty when you value honesty. If your own values do not consistently support honesty, you will be sending each other mixed messages that will undermine the Rule of Honesty. How To Get Trust Back In A Relationship
Having consistent values is one way to encourage honesty. But another important way to encourage it is in the way you react to honesty. Do your reactions convey an appreciation for the truth, even if it's painful? These questions will help you determine if you are actually discouraging honesty in the way you sometimes react to it.
- Do you ever have angry outbursts when your spouse is honest with you?
- Do you ever make disrespectful judgments when your spouse is honest with you?
- Do you ever make selfish demands when your spouse is honest with you?
I have had couples learn to say, Thank you for being honest. If they feel they need some time to process the new information, so as to protect their spouse from any Love Buster, I have them add, Can I have ten minutes to think about this and then we'll get back together to talk about it?
There are some marriages so infected by the Love Buster angry outbursts that it is not safe to be honest. Honesty runs the risk of a severe beating or even death. In these marriages, I suggest that a couple separate until safety can be assured. No couple should live together as long as one spouse persists in abusing the other. And if honesty triggers physical or emotional abuse, separation is usually the only reasonable response. Dishonesty may prevent physical and emotional abuse in the short run but dishonesty can lead to even greater abuse when it is discovered. If the fear of abuse is preventing you from being honest, I suggest separation while the abusive spouse receives professional treatment. Then when the risk of abuse is overcome, be totally honest with your spouse.
Remember, honesty is never your enemy, it's a friend that brings light to a problem that often needs a creative solution. If honesty is followed by safe and pleasant negotiation, it becomes the necessary first step toward improving your compatibility and love for each other. To learn more, you can check out How To Get Trust Back In A Relationship.
