I asked Jon and Sue to do what I just suggested you and your spouse do - identify the most important emotional needs. First, they became familiar with the ten emotional needs and then they both completed the Emotional Needs Questionnaire.
Sue ranked her top five emotional needs as follows:
1. conversation
2. affection
3. admiration
4. financial support
5. family commitment
Sue's list helped Jon see why his job had almost ruined their marriage. His financial support was important to her because it met one of her most important emotional needs. But in meeting that need for financial support, he had failed to meet three needs that were more important to her - the needs for conversation, affection, and admiration. The time he had taken to earn more money prevented him from meeting those more important emotional needs.
Jon's list of important emotional needs was very different than Sue's. He ranked his needs this way:
1. sexual fulfillment
2. physical attractiveness
3. honesty and openness
4. domestic support
5. recreational companionship
Sue had done a terrific job meeting Jon's need for sexual fulfillment. Even after she began to feel less enthusiastic about making love to Jon, he didn't know about her loss of passion, except for that one fateful evening on their eighth wedding anniversary. But after that, she never denied him sex and often approached him when she thought he would like it. Because it was his most important emotional need, in meeting that need Sue continued to deposit more than enough love units for him to be in love with her.
But she did even more for him. She was physically attractive to him, she did a great job managing the home and taking care of their children, and when he had a break in his work schedule, she often joined him in his favorite recreational activities. The only need she had failed to meet was his need for honesty and openness. And he didn't know she was being dishonest until her affair had already begun. From Jon's perspective, Sue had been the perfect wife. But from Sue's perspective, Jon had a lot to learn.
The Rule of Care, Step 2 - Become an Expert at Meeting the Most Important Emotional Needs
Most of our happiness in life comes from our relationships with others. That's because we can't meet our most important emotional needs ourselves - others must meet them for us. And we usually fall in love with and marry the person we think will do the very best job meeting them.
A marriage thrives when the spouses become experts at meeting each other's emotional needs. Being experts simply means that they have made an effort to learn what to do to make each other happy and they do it very well.
The wise couple will learn how to meet each other's emotional needs at expert level. Then, throughout their marriage, they will keep their skills finely tuned so that their relationship will be as fulfilling as possible for both spouses.
People take courses regularly to become experts at all sorts of things - typing, computer programming, hair styling, teaching. And at the beginning, learning any new skill may seem awkward and it usually requires some effort. Take typing, for example. At first it seems very unnatural. You search for every letter. But with practice typing becomes almost effortless and requires very little thought. You just know where the letters are because it has become a well developed habit.
Habits that meet your spouse's needs develop in the same way. At first, they may seem uncomfortable to you but with practice they become a habit, part of who you are. A good marriage becomes almost effortless when spouses develop habits that meet each other's needs.
When Jon and Sue identified their five most important emotional needs, I asked them to make a trade. Jon would agree to become an expert in meeting Sue's most important emotional needs, and in return Sue would become an expert in meeting Jon's. But my problem with Sue and Jon was not in their learning how to meet each other's needs, it was in their wanting to meet each other's needs.
Sue did not want to meet Jon's need for sexual fulfillment. And Jon felt the same way about meeting Sue's need for affection and conversation. But if they didn't meet each other's emotional needs, the feeling of love they needed for their marriage would never materialize. Unless they met those needs for each other, there would not be enough love units deposited to trigger the feeling of love in either of them.
So I asked them to "prime the pump" to get love units flowing. Granted, it would have been much easier for them to meet each other's important emotional needs if they had been in love. But if they had waited for love before trying to meet each other's needs, they would still be waiting. My encouragement for both of them to make a trade and try to meet each other's emotional needs right away helped them start depositing those love units that were essential to their marital recovery.
Quality and Quantity
Jon knew how to meet Sue's emotional needs, but because he hadn't been doing it, he was a little rusty. To correct his mistakes and improve his overall performance, he needed feedback from Sue as to how well he was doing. He needed feedback on two aspects of his skill - quality and quantity. To determine the quality of the way Jon was meeting Sue's needs, he was to ask, Are you satisfied with the way I am meeting this need?
If the answer was no, he would then ask, How would you like me to meet this need? Sue's response was to be specific and provide a positive suggestion. She was to avoid saying, I don't like it when you do ... Instead, she was to say, I would love it if you would do ... A positive suggestion is much more encouraging than a criticism.
To determine whether the quantity of need fulfillment was adequate, Jon was to ask Sue, Do I meet this need for you often enough?
If Sue's answer was no, then he was to ask, How often would you like me to meet this need? If she wanted more time talking with him or if she wanted him to show admiration for her more often or if she wanted more affection, he would then try to accommodate her wishes.
When you learn to meet each other's emotional needs, you will need to satisfy both the quality and quantity requirements to make your partner happy. Quantity is fairly easy to understand, because your partner will tell you how often and how much he or she wants the need met. But quality is more difficult to communicate. Sometimes even the one with the need doesn't understand exactly what's missing.
Not surprisingly Sue asked for more conversation, and that was very encouraging to Jon. It meant that she wanted him to deposit more love units, and the more he deposited, the closer he came to reaching her romantic love threshold. Sue didn't love him yet, but her willingness to let him meet her emotional needs meant that it was only a matter of time before they would be back to the terrific marriage they once had. To learn more, you can check out How To Make Your Girlfriend Come Back To You.
