Soul Mates
At the opposite end of the affair continuum are relationships in which there is an intense emotional bond. They usually begin as a friendship, with no flirting whatsoever, and certainly not a one-night stand. Over time the friendship becomes increasingly caring as the partners come to understand each other's emotional needs and learn to meet them. As more and more needs are met with increasing effectiveness, this relationship often becomes so exclusive that it cannot be maintained along with a marriage. Those who separate from their spouse just to "sort things out" are often engaged in this type of affair, unknown to the spouse. The separation allows for the private and exclusive relationship the lovers desire.
Sue and Greg's affair falls into this category of intense emotional bonding. Their friendship began because of their common interests but developed into a mutual ability to meet each other's emotional needs. They did such a good job caring for each other that they had developed an emotional attachment well before they had made love for the first time, so sex was not a primary motivation for their relationship. But once they began making love, it definitely contributed to their becoming soul mates.
Since friendships are the basis of soul mate relationships, it's important to understand how these friendships usually begin. In many cases, a man and woman simply find themselves together because of employment or a special interest. Sometimes they are neighbors or attend the same church.
Simply being together, however, does not create a friendship. A friendship develops from a special willingness to care for each other. When one needs help, the other is there to provide it. In many cases a friendship develops over time as a mutual willingness to help each other unfolds.
When Greg first joined the Lake Restoration Committee, he needed help understanding some of the issues that were being introduced. Sue met with him after the meetings to answer his questions. They quickly discovered that they held similar views on most issues, and when the committee discussed and then voted on various questions, Greg and Sue could count on each other to support their position.
Greg and Sue's mutual support with committee matters expanded to helping each other with other difficulties they both faced, such as raising children. Their conversations were filled with concern for each other and appreciation for each other's care.
This willingness to help each other created a very deep friendship that existed before either Sue or Greg talked about their feelings for each other. But one night, while they were talking to each other on the telephone, Greg brought up a subject that changed the course of their relationship. He told Sue that he was in love with her.
Sue responded that she felt the same way toward him but she didn't want to do anything to threaten her marriage. Unfortunately, it was too late. Their friendship was already threatening her marriage.
A friendship develops into an affair the moment a man and woman feel love for each other and express that love to each other. It opens Pandora's box, and from that point on, neither person seems to have much control over the future of their relationship. Their growing willingness and ability to care for each other creates a growing emotional dependence. They both come to need each other's care so much that an end to their friendship is unthinkable.
It was several weeks after Greg's expression of love that they actually made love. Sue was very reluctant to have sex with Greg. She had told herself that friendship with him was okay, as long as it was platonic. She believed she should be able to have as many friendships with men as she wanted, as long as they were not sexual. But she became increasingly affectionate with Greg, and soon they openly expressed to each other their sexual feelings. Finally, the temptation became too great. Her first sexual experience with him was the most intense and fulfilling she could have ever imagined. In comparison, her sexual relationship with Jon was a joke.
But Sue's affair was no joke, and she knew it. She did not want a divorce because Jon and her children didn't deserve it, She appreciated Jon's ambition and success in his career and she knew how much he loved her. She was also afraid that a divorce might tear her children apart emotionally. Most of the time she convinced herself that as long as no one knew about her affair, no one would ever be hurt. But occasionally the fog of her illusion lifted and she saw the tragedy of what she was doing. In those moments of clarity, she often felt so distraught that she considered suicide.
Most affairs like Sue and Greg's begin as friendships. As the friendship grows, out of genuine concern they try to meet each other's needs. When the needs are met, love is created. Then, one tells the other about his or her feelings of love, the other reveals the same feeling of attraction, and the affair is off and running.
Between One-Night Stands and Soul Mates
I have described the opposite ends of my affairs continuum. One night stands usually involve little or no emotional attachment while soul mates are highly attached to each other, In between these two poles of my continuum lie the majority of affairs, involving various degrees of emotional attachment.
I have deliberately chosen Sue's affair as my reference example because the soul mate category of affairs seems to make survival of a marriage the most hopeless. As I will explain later, marital recovery requires a complete separation of the wayward spouse and the lover, and the separation of soul mates is quite a challenge. I won't ignore one-night stands and affairs with less attachment than those of soul mates, but those who engage in them are usually willing to end the relationship without much fuss.
However, whether an affair is a one-night stand, years of intimate friendship, or anything in between, the way to end the affair and restore a marriage is essentially the same. So even though my examples relate to the affairs of soul mates, the methods I suggest for ending an affair and restoring the marriage can be applied to all affairs. To learn how to do it right away, you can check out Types Of Affairs In Marriage.
