Guideline 3. Brainstorm solutions with abandon.
Give your brains the opportunity to do what they do best - solve problems. Think of all sorts of possible solutions and write them all down. Don't criticize an option that you don't like - you'll have a chance to evaluate the choices when you come to the fourth guideline. If you use your imaginations, you will have a long list of ideas to consider.
Jon and Sue came up with these possible solutions:
a. Jon tries to find a higher paying job that does not require travel.
b. Jon stays in his current position that does not require travel. They adjust to his lower salary by lowering their standard of living, selling their home, and buying a more affordable home.
c. Jon stays in his current position and Sue works full-time to help pay off the debt and compensate for Jon's lower income.
d. Jon returns to his old position, but Sue travels with him - leaving the children with friends or family.
e. Jon returns to his old position until their debt is eliminated, but they live under a strict budget that would have their bills paid in two years. Whenever he travels, each day he calls Sue at least three times, engages in at least one and a half hours of conversation, and faxes her a letter. He gives her flowers before he leaves, brings her a gift when he returns, and goes away alone with Sue for a weekend after each trip. He limits his trips to only three nights away from home.
The longer they thought about the issues, the more creative they became. I encouraged them both to let their minds run wild and write down anything they wanted. Jon suggested that he quit his job and that they all join the Peace Corps. Sue didn't criticize his idea. Instead, she just smiled.
Guideline 4. Choose a solution that is appealing to both of you.
From your list of possible solutions, many will satisfy only one of you. However, scattered within the list will be solutions that both of you may find attractive. Among those solutions that are mutually satisfactory, select the one that you both like the most as the final solution to your problem. But if you can't find one that you can both agree to enthusiastically, go back to guideline 3 and brainstorm some more.
Before choosing a final solution, Jon and Sue took several days gathering information. Jon discovered that his old position, with its increased salary, was available to him if he wanted it back. Sue confirmed that her responsibilities at work were flexible and that she could join Jon on business trips once in a while. He also made a few telephone calls to see if he could work for another company in a position that did not require as much travel.
In the end, they enthusiastically agreed to a solution that combined several of their ideas. Their ultimate goal was for Jon to have a job that would decrease their debt yet give the family a high quality of life. That quality of life was to include Jon's ability to meet Sue's emotional needs, not leaving her feeling lonely when he had to travel.
Sue felt that she could often travel with Jon. When she couldn't, he would follow the terms of idea e. He would call her several times a day and when he returned they would spend a weekend together by themselves.
They made up a budget, assigning part of Jon's income to pay off their debt. But the added cost of Sue traveling with Jon would prevent them from paying it off in two years, as they would have liked. Both Jon and Sue were finally enthusiastic about the solution to their problem.
Some marital conflicts are as difficult to solve as Jon's travel problem. But most of them are relatively easy to solve. If you begin with an understanding that a solution cannot be chosen until you have enthusiastic agreement, you will be amazed at how quickly you can find agreement. The solutions were there all along, but you had just never looked for them before.
At first, to find a solution to their conflicts, Jon and Sue had to sit down and formally follow the four guidelines I had given them. But the more they practiced, the easier it was for them to come to an enthusiastic agreement, and following the guidelines seemed to come naturally.
Negotiating on the Run
Most marital decisions are not made with calm deliberation. While brainstorming alternatives over a cup of coffee might be the most desirable way to solve problems, in practice, couples need to develop skill in making thoughtful decisions on the run.
So after Jon and Sue had practiced negotiating with the four guidelines I had proposed, I encouraged them to adapt the same guidelines to decisions they made when they were pressed for time. They had a chance to test their skills one Saturday afternoon as they were shopping for new tennis shoes.
As they approached the shoe store they came upon a sidewalk sale - one of Jon's worst nightmares. Sue stopped to look at the clearance tables and spent the next thirty minutes sorting through the bargains.
Jon reminded Sue that they had promised the baby-sitter they would be home by 3:00. Sue went right to a pay phone to tell the baby-sitter that they would be a little late. Jon was not happy with the way the events developed but he didn't know how to explain it to Sue.
Their problem was that Sue had not asked how Jon would feel about taking time to look at the bargains on the sidewalk. And Jon had not let Sue know that it was not the baby-sitter that bothered him; it was her taking the time to shop for bargains. They forgot to use the Policy of Joint Agreement and as a result, they had an unpleasant experience together.
It takes a while to develop the skill of constantly using the Policy of Joint Agreement to make decisions. I recommend to couples that they choose a simple phrase to help express their feelings when negotiation is needed - something like, Will you negotiate with me about this? This serves as a reminder that no decision should be made without the enthusiastic agreement of both of them. Then, if possible, I have them negotiate "on the run."
Let me show you how this would have worked in Jon and Sue's shopping experience.
Jon sees the endless rows of tables as they enter the mall. He immediately feels anxiety and discomfort because he knows how much Sue loves to shop and how he hates to wait for her. As Sue starts looking at the tables, Jon could say, Honey, I'm not very enthusiastic about this situation. Will you negotiate with me? Sue stops looking at the sale items, and spends a few minutes considering alternatives. They briefly share their perspectives on the problem without being defensive or demanding and throw out a few possible solutions. They finally agree that Jon will go right to the shoe store, and Sue will meet him there fifteen minutes later. Conflict resolved!
But shouldn't Sue have asked him how he felt about her shopping before she actually started looking at the sale tables? Ideally, yes. But in practice, couples don't always know how each other feels about things, and it often doesn't occur to them to ask. In this example, Sue thought she would spend only a few minutes looking at the sale items and didn't know that Jon would be upset. He had to tell her. But then, once she knew how he felt, the Rule of Protection - avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness - would have guided her response. She would have stopped in her tracks and negotiated a resolution to the problem. The Policy of Joint Agreement would then have guided them to a solution that would have saved the afternoon.
I highly recommend to couples that they learn to say something like, I'm not very enthusiastic about this situation, will you negotiate with me? It may feel strange at first, as if you are speaking a new language. But there are many advantages to it. The phrase is a gentle reminder to your spouse that you have both agreed to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, and it keeps you from saying something hurtful out of frustration. By expressing your unhappiness through a sentence you've both agreed to, you trigger a mutual effort to reach an enthusiastic agreement. To learn more, you can check out How To Improve Communication In Marriage.
