When you ask each other to improve skills in need fulfillment, remember the four steps for negotiation that I've discussed. The most important step is the first one, where you guarantee each other safety and a pleasant negotiating environment. If either of you becomes negative or unpleasant during your discussion, take a break and get back to your negotiations at a time when you can guarantee that the guidelines will be followed.
You should also remember to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement as you develop your new skills. It turns out that there will be many effective ways to meet each other's emotional needs. Some methods will be enjoyable for you to follow, and others may be very unpleasant. Because you are trying very hard to move toward marital recovery, you may be tempted to meet each other's needs at all costs. But I strongly advise you to avoid this.
You should have an understanding that you will meet each other's needs only in ways that are enjoyable for both of you. Never expect the other person to suffer or sacrifice so that your need can be met. But since it is usually somewhat uncomfortable at first to form a new habit, make sure that you are not confusing the discomfort of learning something new with a behavior that will always be unpleasant to you. In other words, give a new habit a chance to become comfortable before you abandon it.
The topics of Sue and Jon's conversation had to be interesting to both of them. The recreational activities they chose had to be mutually enjoyable. They were willing to experiment with conversation and recreation. They tried different topics of conversation for a while and engaged in various recreational activities to see how they would feel about them.
But in the area of sexual fulfillment, they had a special problem. Before their separation, Sue had gotten into the habit of making love to Jon out of duty. Now that they were together again, she was still uncomfortable making love. Besides, being out of love with Jon made lovemaking particularly unappealing to her.
I suggested that they experiment with sex the same way they experimented with conversation and recreation. They had to try to find a way to make love that would satisfy Jon, yet still be comfortable for Sue.
Granted, at first, it was not exactly what Jon had in mind. He knew how passionate Sue could be, and their lovemaking certainly lacked passion as far as he was concerned. But as Jon deposited more and more love units into Sue's Love Bank, he came closer and closer to triggering her love for him. It was only a matter of time before her feeling of love would be restored and, along with it, all the passion he had remembered.
Jon and Sue both knew how to meet each other's emotional needs. They had simply neglected to do it. But I've counseled many couples who have never learned how to meet certain needs. They must train themselves to become skilled in conversation or showing admiration or affection. If that's your situation and you must develop your ability to meet your spouse's important emotional needs, I refer you to a book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage. In this book and its accompanying workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love, it describes each of the most common needs of men and women and explain how to become an expert in meeting those needs.
You Can Be the Cause of Your Spouse's Greatest Happiness
You married each other because you were in love. And you were in love because you were meeting each other's most important emotional needs - you were the cause of each other's greatest happiness.
Since you have been married, you may have squandered your opportunity to be each other's source of greatest happiness. But it can be recovered by going back to what you did before you were married - making it your mission to meet each other's most important emotional needs.
You can be each other's greatest source of happiness. In fact you must be each other's greatest source of happiness if you want to have a successful marriage. You have given each other the opportunity to care in a way that no one else can care for you. And if you and your spouse don't use that opportunity, you will both feel that something important is missing.
You can be each other's greatest source of happiness if you become an expert at meeting each other's most important emotional needs. An important part of learning to be an expert is the respect you give to each other each step of the way.
First, you must identify each other's needs, and when you discover them you must be respectful regarding the needs themselves. It's tempting for all of us to be disrespectful of what we don't understand. When our spouse has needs that are different than ours, which is almost always the case, we may believe that the needs are unnecessary or even wrong. For example, the need for physical attractiveness is often viewed as superficial, reflecting a shallow attitude toward relationships. Those who believe this try to convince a spouse that he or she should learn not to have that need, or at least not to indulge it. The outcome, of course, is that the need is not met, and the spouse's opportunity to deposit love units is lost.
If you want to be the cause of your spouse's greatest happiness, you must begin by knowing what will create the greatest happiness for your spouse. Those turn out to be your spouse's most important emotional needs. Accept what you discover - an honest expression of your spouse's needs. If you don't, you will waste your time trying to meet needs that are of less importance to him or her.
After you identify each other's emotional needs, you must be respectful in the way you teach each other to become experts in meeting them. Feedback from your spouse as to how you are doing at meeting his or her emotional needs is absolutely essential in your becoming an expert. But if you want your spouse to be willing to give you feedback, you must receive it respectfully. A response that is defensive and even angry will end your spouse's willingness to help you become skilled. And respect is also necessary in the way feedback is expressed.
Every time you discuss your skill development, Love Busters are in the wings ready to enter. And if you let them on stage, they will destroy the show. So remember to keep your conversation safe and pleasant whenever you discuss the way you meet each other's needs.
If you want to be the cause of each other's greatest happiness, you must identify each other's most important emotional needs, respectfully accept those needs, and use the Policy of Joint Agreement to develop skill in meeting those needs.
Sue and Jon could remember what it had been like to be the cause of each other's greatest happiness before the tragedy of the affair. But they didn't think they could completely recover from all of the resentment and hopelessness they were feeling. Deep down, they thought that their bad experiences would sentence them to a marriage that would never quite recover.
But they were wrong. They had new tools at their disposal that would not only help them recover the best feelings they had ever had for each other, but move them beyond that point. Their skills in meeting each other's needs would become unprecedented in their marriage. They still had a lot to learn but they were on their way toward creating a marriage that was more fulfilling than anything they could have ever imagined. They were on their way to becoming the cause of each other's greatest happiness. To learn more, you can check out Things To Say To Make Him Want You Back.
