Sues love for Greg made their affair particularly threatening to her marriage. But affairs do not necessarily lead to love. In fact most affairs never do reach the level of emotional attachment that Sue and Greg felt for each other. Why, then, would I select Sue's affair as my main illustration when it is not the most common type?
I have chosen Sue's affair as my primary example because her type of affair makes marital reconciliation seem particularly hopeless, By Sue's own admission, she would have been willing to give up everything in her life for Greg, especially her marriage to Jon. With that attitude, is there anything that can be done to save her marriage? Remarkably, there is a way to achieve that important objective. And that method for recovery works even better in affairs with less emotional attachment. Different Types Of Affairs
Since the affair you are struggling with may not be like Sue's affair, it would be helpful for you to see your type of affair in comparison with others. So I will break away from Sue's affair to introduce a variety of ways that people have affairs. The best way for me to describe them is to show you a continuum that reflects the degree of emotional attachment in each affair. On one end of the continuum are affairs like Sue's with intense emotional attachment - those involved consider themselves to be soul mates. But on the other end of the continuum are affairs with almost no attachment at all. The affair you confront probably falls somewhere between these two extemes.
The One-Night Stand
On the end of the affair continuum where there is almost no emotional attachment, the "one-night stand" is the most common example. It often takes place when a spouse is away on a trip, or when one has gone out partying without the other spouse. In many cases alcohol is a necessary ingredient for these affairs and it enables people to lose enough of their inhibitions to enjoy sex with a total stranger, or at least someone they don't love. Alcoholics are likely to have many of these loveless affairs during their lifetime. In many cases, they can't even remember who was with them for the night.
"If you're not with the one you love, love the one you're with," is the guiding principle in these affairs. People often begin these short-term relationships in such places as bars and dance clubs. But they can also take place on the job, particularly when a spouse is on a business trip. What begins as a casual working friendship in the morning can end with being in bed together at night.
Many people engaged in short-term relationships become very professional at creating just the right climate for a brief affair. Drinking and dancing usually create the mood, and instinct takes over from there. Both people who participate in a relationship like this usually understand that after the evening is over, there should be no serious effort to build the relationship any further. But a "black book" is usually kept so that a call can be made when it's convenient and the other person might be available for a repeat performance. This happens, not because of an emotional attachment, but because it's easier to get together with someone who already knows you than with a total stranger.
While a one-night stand can be an isolated mistake in an otherwise affair-free marriage, it is more often a habit that is repeated by a wayward spouse, sometimes hundreds of times. Once in a while a one-night stand will develop into a deeper relationship, but that's unusual. Different Types Of Affairs
Those most likely to engage in one-night stands are people who travel as part of their job - interstate truck drivers, airline pilots, flight attendants, traveling sales representatives, business consultants, actors, musicians, seminar speakers. The advantage to these short-term flings, from the wayward spouse's perspective, is that they meet a momentary need with no further commitment or consequences.
There are other types of emotionless affairs besides one-night stands. A spouse who hires a prostitute is an example, although even relationships with prostitutes can become emotional. Occasionally, people may have a lengthy affair but never form an emotional attachment to the lover. These people usually have a character disorder that makes it difficult for them to be emotionally attached to anyone.
People who derive a great deal of pleasure from flirting may also have emotionless affairs. Their challenge is to attract someone of the opposite sex. They may not intend the flirting to lead to lovemaking; they may just want to see a willingness to make love, proving their ability to attract a lover. If the flirting leads to sex, that usually ends the relationship. Then the flirt moves on to someone else.
Next, we'll talk about other types of affairs. Before that, you can check out Different Types Of Affairs.
