Jon, of course, was blown away by what he saw when he returned from his trip. He had no idea that Sue was having an affair. It seemed like a very bad dream from which he would eventually wake up. But after a few days passed, he had to face the truth. He knew that he had been betrayed by the one he trusted most in life, his wife. She had hurt him more than he could have ever imagined. This is how Jon described his feelings to me:
When we first married, Sue and I made an agreement with each other that we would always be honest about our feelings. I trusted her and never doubted her word. Now I will never believe a thing she says to me again.
Ever since I've known her, she has cared about the way people feel. She can't even hurt a bug. Yet she has chosen to hurt me, the one she promised to care for the most. I thought I knew her but l guess I never did. How could I have not seen through her deceit? How could I have been so blind?
Sue and I both worked very hard to build a good life for ourselves and our children. I admit that I have not been with her much these past few years. I could have done a better job helping her raise our children too. But we talked about all of that and she agreed with me that what I was doing was best for all of us. I didn't complain to her about the sacrifices I was making for our future, and she didn't complain to me, either. We just did what we felt needed to be done.
Now I don't know what to think. What gets me is that I had plenty of opportunity to cheat on her, but I resisted the temptation because I would have felt too guilty about it. Apparently she doesn't care enough about me to feel guilty. She can just jump in bed with whomever happens to come along and feel great about it the next day. I just don't know her anymore. Get Your Wife Back Another Man
I strongly believe that a husband and wife should have the freedom to have any friend they want, male or female. My wife and I have discussed that in the past and we agree. When she asked me how I'd feel if she had coffee with her friend Greg, I said, "sure." I didn't think anything of it. It was the worst mistake of my life. I can't believe that she fell in love with him, I trusted her. We had an agreement.
As painful as this is, I still love her and I hope we can work this out. At first I wanted a divorce. But now I am willing to fight to win her back, even though I'm not sure she's worth fighting for. She cheated on me! Maybe I should just end all of this now and get a divorce.
Most betrayed spouses I have counseled are blindsided by the affair. They trusted their spouse and their spouse betrayed that trust. Their feelings swing from wanting a divorce and ending all the misery to wanting to save the marriage at all costs.
The emotional impact of an affair on a betrayed spouse is incredibly powerful. Many cannot sleep for days and experience the worst depression of their lives. At the same time, they are on the verge of angry outbursts, losing their temper whenever they get on the subject of the affair. Their anxiety is also out of control as they panic over where this affair will lead. They see no hope of recovery, their lives totally ruined.
The betrayed spouse feels pushed into a pit, crying out for help, The wayward spouse comes to the edge of the pit but instead of tossing a rope, hurls stones. Emotionally torn to pieces, the betrayed spouse can't imagine ever trusting anyone else again, least of all the wayward spouse.
Greg's Side of the Story
There is one other person who is an important part of this drama - the lover. He has a very different perspective on the affair than either Sue or Jon, This is what Greg told me about his affair with Sue.
My friendship with Sue began very innocently. We worked together on a lake restoration project, and that gave us a chance to get to know each other. I was very attracted to her from the first time I laid eyes on her but I knew she was married and I don't believe in interfering with someone else's marriage. So I was very careful not to make any moves that she would interpret as inappropriate.
But as we talked about our personal lives, I about my ex-wife and she about her marriage to ]on, we found many similarities. My ex-wife had ignored me for years and had pursued a career that may have satisfied her, but it sure didn't take me or our kids into account. One day she announced that she was leaving me because she was no longer tn love. In the end, she not only left me, but left the kids as well. Now that I look back on my marriage, I'm glad she left because I don't think she ever was in love with me. Get Your Wife Back Another Man
Sue's husband had not left her but he may as well have left. He spent very little time with her or the children. All he did was pay the bills. Sue craved attention, and I was willing to give her that attention because I was her friend. I was willing to do the things for her that her husband should have been doing. I helped her with her children, I was there to talk to her whenever she needed to talk, and as our relationship developed, I was able to give her the love and affection that she had been missing in her marriage. I gave her the very things that I had missed in my marriage. And Sue was very grateful.
Our friendship is very real and very right. We are two friends who support each other through good times and bad times. We do for each other what a husband and wife should do - we care for each other.
I don't believe that I am the cause of Sue's marriage breaking up. I think Jon is fully to blame for that. She would be making a big mistake not to leave him because, after the dust settles, he'll go right back to working aIl the time and leaving her home alone.
Sue and I were meant to be together, and I will wait patiently for Sue's divorce. She is not certain what she wants just yet, but I know she loves me and eventually we will be together.
It would be easy to see Greg as the villain in this tragic story. After all, he was the one who pursued a married woman with children. And yet his motives were not entirely selfish. Greg helped Sue as one friend would help another. In fact he did such a good job helping her that she fell in love with him. As the relationship deepened, he became aware of her loveless marriage. After all, that's how Sue described her marriage to Jon - loveless. So, as a friend, he tried to help her with this problem. Greg's own divorce had led him to believe that people sometimes make bad choices when they marry. He saw his divorce as inevitable. So it made sense to conclude that Sue's marriage was also the result of poor judgment. Sue and Jon were simply wrong for each other, and the sooner Sue left her marriage, the happier she would be.
Jon, Sue, and Greg were surprised by what had happened. But if they had understood how vulnerable people are and how easy it is to fall in love with a good friend of the opposite sex, they all would have predicted Sue and Greg's affair.
We'll continue our story in the next post. At the mean time, to find out more, you can check out Get Your Wife Back Another Man.
