When training couples in the use of the Intentional Dialogue, I initially spend about two hours reviewing and coaching them as they each play their roles as "speaker" and "listener." The couple has come to the coaching session with one or two safe but meaty topics they might like to discuss. Together they decide which of these topics to use for practice. Sometimes one partner is shy about role-playing or doesn't always follow the rules. Sometimes, one wants to edit the partner's comments.
When you first practice the Intentional Dialogue, it takes a bit of time (up to an hour for each of you to have a turn as listener and speaker). The dialogue format puts your communication into slow motion, so you can truly listen to each other and hear in a new way - without prior assumptions or misunderstandings. With a little consistent practice (three to four practice sessions), most couples become adept at applying the "mirroring" technique in three-to-five-minute mini-dialogues when they run into a minor, everyday misunderstanding.
The Intentional Dialogue Process
There are three basic steps to the Intentional Dialogue technique: mirroring, validating, and empathizing.
1. Mirroring
In the Intentional Dialogue process, there is a speaker and a listener. They agree on the amount of time allotted for a dialogue. It is preferable if the speaker can talk until finished and say everything he or she wants to bring up, but this is not always feasible. In your beginning practice, try to set aside enough undisturbed time for each of you to speak as long as you need to. Can Couples Get Back Together
The speaker gets to talk about anything that is important to him or her. Not only does the speaker get to talk as long as necessary, that partner even gets to repeat him- or herself while exploring an issue. The goal of the speaker is to talk until fully "heard" by the listener.
The role of the listener is to do just that - to listen and then to "mirror back" what the partner said. Mirroring back involves using similar, but not necessarily the same words - much like paraphrasing. What is most important here is that the listener attempt to listen empathically, as if in the speaker's shoes. So, the listener needs to set aside personal ego in order to understand what the partner is saying, from that partner's point of view. Then the listener's task is to feed this message back to the speaker in words that show he or she has understood the partner. For example,
Susan: "I don't like it when you go to bed without saying goodnight."
Tom: "I hear you saying that you're unhappy with me when I forget to say goodnight to you before I go to bed"
Susan: "That's right."
Mirroring is different from "editorializing." An editorial comment would be, "I know just what you mean. I've felt that way myself," or "I've seen you do that when you..." When we editorialize or add our own comments and experience, we take the speaker out of his or her personal experience. Your task as listener is to feed back what you are hearing your partner communicate to you.
All relationships have disagreements and all people have different points of view. The Intentional Dialogue helps you get your ego out of the way so you can hear anew - so there are no assumptions or misunderstandings about what your partner is saying; so your partner can be heard for as long as he or she wishes to speak without having to think about you or your thoughts, ideas, judgments - or even your questions. All of these distract your partner from his or her deepest thoughts and feelings - thoughts and feelings your partner is trying to share with you.
So, when it is your turn to listen, listen as though you're hearing your partner for the first time. Get your ego out of the way - especially if you disagree with the version of the story or you want to correct something said or you feel wronged. Instead of focusing on your story, imagine your ego as a little character you put off to your left side. Imagine gently taking your ego by the shoulders and sitting it down next to you. Tell it firmly that its turn will come later. Right now your partner is speaking.
There are not many opportunities in life m truly think aloud and hear your deepest thoughts, and then have those thoughts reflected back to you. Too often people will interrupt, think they know what assumptions about where your thought is going or think of what they are going to say while you are still talking. Can Couples Get Back Together
You can help each other with just a few simple phrases. As the listener, you might say, "tell me more" if the speaker indicates that your mirroring wasn't quite correct; or, "let me see if I've got that" when the speaker has talked for so long that you can hold no more thoughts and need to feed them back. Sometimes a little hand gesture, signaling the speaker to mirror back what was already said also helps.
For some, to be understood 70 percent of the time is enough; others may need to be understood 93.33 percent. While the percentage of need varies, I encourage couples new at the mirroring technique to make sure they really feel like their partner is getting the essence of what they are saying. Both parties are challenged to become better at listening and clarifying their communication and their efforts will pay off in the ensuing work they do.
So, the speaker might say something like, "I know you are saying the right words, but something in the way you are repeating it back to me makes me feel like you don't quite have my full meaning. Let me try to say this a different way..."
I have coached couples who went back and forth like this for thirty minutes until they both had the "aha" moment when the listener had finally heard the speaker's thoughts. The difference in how you express meaning may be subtle, but when you actively listen to each other and truly hear what the other person is saying, the experience of understanding and clarity is powerful If the speaker hasn't fully been understood yet, he or she might say, "You have the first half of what I said correct but you forgot the second point I made. Let me say it again," or, "As I hear you repeat that, I realize it isn't what I meant at all. Let me say what I really mean." The listener's task is to pay close attention and follow the speaker's train of thought, wherever it may lead.
When the speaker finishes, when he or she feels fully understood, then the listener does two things. The first is called validating, and the second is called empathizing. To quickly learn more, you can check out Can Couples Get Back Together.
