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2. Validating
Validating is a simple statement made by the listener after mirroring what the speaker has said. It is a short statement that says, "I hear you. I understand your words. You've articulated your feelings or experience clearly." Validating lets the speaker know he or she is making sense.
Validating is one short affirming sentence. It is offered without repeating any of your partner's prior communication and without any additional comments. Continue to keep the focus on your partner as you as you say, "You are making sense." A few examples of validating statements would be as follows:
- "From everything you've told me, your experience is understandable."
- "You are making sense to me."
- "I hear you and I understand your point of view."
- "I hear you and I understand what you are saying to me."
Remember, you need to take turns. You will get a turn to voice your opinions and your side of the story. When you are the listener, it is your job to listen to your partner. You must follow the rules and not editorialize, act silly, or be sarcastic. Such behavior will distract your partner from what he or she is trying to say. You must open your heart and listen deeply from inside the speaker's shoes. Your partner will do the same for you when it is your turn to speak.
Adding additional comments, like the following, is not part of an Intentional Dialogue:
"I've got it! Gosh, and now I understand why you always get mad and throw a fit the way you do!"
"I can really understand your experience, but don't you think if you knew how much I really loved you this wouldn't matter?"
Once again, it is important to listen to the speaker's experience nonjudgmentally, removing your ego and reactions from the dialogue. Your job is to simply say you've heard your partner and you understand.
3. Empathizing
Empathizing is the final step in the Intentional Dialogue process. This is a simple statement in which the listener mirrors back the feelings that have been named by the speaker or, if no feelings have been named, the feelings the listener senses are unspoken. If the listener is off base, the dialogue may segue back into another little round of mirroring until there is again full understanding. Here are two examples of empathizing. The first example shows simple clarity:
Listener: "Everything you are saying makes sense, and I can hear just how frustrated and angry you are, how it even makes you want to give up."
Speaker: "Yes! That's exactly how I've been feeling."
In the second example, the speaker clarifies his or her feelings:
Listener: "Gee, honey, from everything you are saying, I get it. I can imagine that you must be feeling very sad and distant from me as a result."
Speaker: "Actually, I no longer feel sad about it. I've gotten to the point at which your lack of communicating just makes me downright mad. I don't deserve to be treated this way. Just so I'm being clear - I'm not going to throw a tantrum anymore even though I'm mad. And, I am only going to do my part in the communicating process. Otherwise, we won't grow together." Sweet Things To Say To Your Girlfriend To Get Her Back
Listener:. "Let me see if I've got that. You're not really sad. You've become resolved. You are really angry, but you are not going to yell about it anymore. You are clear. You're not going to take my passivity or fear or stubbornness as your problem anymore. You want me to know that either I communicate or we won't have the kind of relationship we both say we want. Did I get that right?"
Speaker: "You bet! That's exactly what I'm saying!"
Listener: "That's exactly what you mean. Is there more?"
Speaker: "No. I feel finished."
Listener again validates.. "Once again, you make even more sense and I hear you"
Listener again empathizes: "And you made it dear you are feeling mad and resolute."
Speaker:. "That's for sure!"
In the best scenario, the partners would then exchange roles and go through the entire process again to mirror, validate, and empathize with the other person. If immediate role reversal is not possible, they agree to give the previous listener a turn to be the speaker within two days. By doing so they agree not to discuss the topic until the dialogue is complete.
So do you know how to listen now? To find out more, you can check out Sweet Things To Say To Your Girlfriend To Get Her Back.
